Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Same BS...



Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Seeing Things

I thought I saw him from a distance, that familiar face I once cared for and thought I could fall in love with oh so easily! When I looked down only for a moment and then looked back up he was gone. I realized my eyes and mind were just playing games with my heart again. I see his shadow all the time It’s crazy how I feel this way I can't explain it. He'll always be in my life even if I'm not in his life because he's in my memory.

Monday, October 12, 2009



I just don't know what to do right now!

Monday, October 5, 2009


You are only ready to start dating again when you don't feel like you have to have someone in order to be happy.

Never depend on someone else for your happiness. Another person cannot make you happy, and it is not another person's responsibility to do so.

It takes one year of healing for every four years of marriage. Some people have control over that in terms of working it through, and different people heal at different rates, so it's a general statistic. But I've found over time that it's a wise statistic.

married 11 yrs with him a total of 18 though...

I didn't start dating again until after the divorce (4yrs)...

I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

I survived childhood abuse, I survived scoliosis, I survived a cheating husband, I survived anemia, I survived a thoracic meningocele,I survived GIST!!!THIS TO SHALL PASS!!!! I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Again not written by me BUT another Goodie

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (they are entitled to their own views and opinions, weren..t we living in the huge industry so-called Democracy?!)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

You begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and you learn the importance of setting boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. And you learn that you don' t have the right to demand love on your terms. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and you learn that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want -- and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you decide you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you make more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes "bad" things happen to unsuspecting good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

I didn't write this but I like it!

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.

You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition
but only a quiet calmness when they are around.

You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.

Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you
through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and
possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.


Do you (from aol journals) remember how we had to move our aol jorunals here... I thought ( at first) that I had to start a whole new blog, hence "starting over" BUT I was wondering if there is a way to move these entries to my old one I'm a Survivor"? I am thinking I might blog more often ( when I am not blogging in my private one) if I could only have the 2 blogs... I miss aol jornal land! I miss my aol alerts to new entries... Still not sure how this site works! I never know when people write.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Not here

I am posting in my private journal for the next day or 2, whatever it takes!

Friday, September 25, 2009


I've built a wall not to block anyone out but to see who loves me enough to climb over it

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Some people believe that your destiny is already laid out for you and good or bad, no matter what you do, it finds you. People also believe in soul-mates. that one person that was made for you that you are meant to be with no matter how bumpy the road is getting to him. I guess that’s what I believe.
Not sure if a person can have more then one soul mate though? I thought I met mine many yrs ago, BUT I chose another path and let him go! I still think of him now and then and think what if? Our paths did cross again not to long ago and well lets just say I remember WHY I took the path I did, even though that path didn't have a happy ending either...

I do believe in putting myself out there and always being open to receiving love because I believe that the one who is meant to be mine will find his way to me when we are both open and ready for it. I also believe that I have to kiss a lot of toads before I find my prince so that I can be more appreciative of the love that I find in him and that I learn from every experience good or bad. I also think that everything that happens; happens for a reason and each experience—good or bad—brings you a step closer.

it did take me a while to learn this, BUT once I did I became a happier person. My gaurd is still up. BUT it's not under lock and key like it once was!

Lifes lesson, live and learn... keep what works , get rid of what doesn't or tweek it to make it better!

my favorite word is
Serendipty... you know the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

one day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past , for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come' Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering!
Ida Scott taylor

My baby and More

My baby is 10 today, where did the time go they grow up so fast! I love her so much, she truly is a special gift from God!

I feel the need to start journaling again, It helps with healing and moving forward!

I want to write more , so much more, but my thoughts are all jumbled up inside, can't get them straight to get the words out, it's almost as if the file cabinet in my head blew up and the papers are scattered all over the place!

Anyway as soon as I get my thoughts and words un jumbled were they won't get me into trouble... I'll be back!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

oh my

WOW ummmm for once I am speechless, thanks to my friendly stalker... LOL... hummmm
600 textes since friday...
Wanted to see the "good stuff" .... no not like that, get your mind out of the gutter....
So I told him if he wanted to see the "good stuff" he has to take me on a date!!!!
Guess who has a date?

guess I should define "good stuff".... Good Stuff: more in depth information about me... my deep dark secerts what makes me tic....

Saturday, September 19, 2009


( I wrote this last night but am only positng it now) I was 2 seconds away from calling the police here on Brian tonight he
stole over 50.00 he gave 20.00 back... he still lies over the other
30.00 !!! I just got paid an hour before he stole it! He couldn't wait a day or 2 until I started to spend it? He went to his dads for the weekend I can't take it any more! He sucks at lying and stealing! He is the worlds worst liar!

and it pisses me off too because I support his ass! I have been busting
my butt to make ends meet and david has not paid support in 2 months
and he goes and steals from me! I went off on him I am surprised the neighbors didn't call the police on me for screaming! it had to sound like someone was being murdered! it just makes me so mad that he is pretty much stealing from his brother and his sister.... And even after he handed back the twenty he still denied taking it from me! I told him then he is a dealer because there is no other way he would of gotten it! and I was missing 2 twentys and a ten! got back one twenty, still missing the other! I have noticed my money going down , but I thought that was because I was spending to much and not keeping track, buying things here and there for the start of school! I never thought he would steal from me
seeing the way we struggle!!! I am so pissed right now I don't want
him back in the house!!! He went with his dad tonight so I could hang
with friends for a bit! I won't keep a penny in my wallet any more! don't think his therapist is of no help when I talk to him he really
just "hmmmm!" and when i was talking to david about it , he was making a joke of it! brought up some stupid scene in the ice age movie?
Brian says I keep changing my story! BUT I don't keep changing how
much I am missing! The day care father just paid me when he picked up his daughter! I didn't go any where to spend it! Then Brian made a comment about my money being in my purse! HELLO how did he know it was there! 8 out of ten times my wallet is on the table! Stupid me! you know lately I thought I was missing money but with the start of school and the kids saying I need this or that... I wasn't keeping track of it to well! Better believe I will be keeping better track now! So if Brian says he needs new shoes next week I will tell him since he stole from me I can't afford it! Brian he acts younger then Bethany.... sometimes even younger then the 4 yr olds I watch! The Dr's did an evaluation on him in the hospital and they says that he acts and thinks like a 9 yr old!!! Bethany doesn't even do or say half the stuff Brian does!
So next week when one of them need something I will have to say NO ! I plan on saying NO to Brian if he needs something... I'll tell him he has money get it himsel.! it's not in my budget! You know Brain still swears he didn't steal it from me, even as he was handing 20 of it back! he looked at me swore it was his! I asked him where he got it! Told him either it is my money or you are a drug dealer because you don't have a job! not a legit one any way! he looks me straight in the eye and lies, even though he has been caught and knows I know he is lying!
You know and david says divorce doesn't mess kids up!
Brian hates his life!

Brent hates Christians....Brent now claims he is atheist and we are all crazy loons for having "A God"
I don't even bother waking Brent to go to church... I know that is probably not the right move! BUT I don't want to go to church on a sour note!
it all started last yr after his science teacher and the "big bang" lesson! and what makes it worse is his science teacher is a christian! He bought a book on Darwin... I wouldn't pay for it, I told him if he wanted it, he would have to pay for it, so he did! I told him he should buy the one that disputes Darwin and read it too and then form his own opinion! he won't do that! Guess he is afraid of the truth!
he bought a CD by a guy named Brian Welsh he use to be in the group KORN well he became a born again christian and left the band.... he got baptized ( he looked just like Jesus) any way his new cd sounds awful... BUT if you listen to it he sings about thanking God for still being alive after all he has done in his life! and the very first person he thanks on his CD is GOD.... when I researched this on line and read Brent's cd case and pointed it out to Brent! Brent's reply was... "he is brainwashed!" One night I asked him where he comes up with some of his crazy ides he told me he makes it up! I told him "oh that's real intelligent!"
He (Brian Welsh) also wrote a book by the same name of one of his songs "save me from myself" I am thinking of getting it for Brent! Brent just finished 7th and is in 8th this yr! I know it was the science class! and his teacher is a christian... he should IMO of told the kids I am a christian ,I don't believe in this but I have to teach it!
he claims he stopped believing in God when he found out about Santa!

so much fun!

so far Bethany is still on the right track, she hasn't hit her double digits in age yet... So that could change soon too... She's 10 in 5 days!

Friday, September 18, 2009


haven't posted since July, lots going on here, still having trouble with Bri but not as bad! Butthead is still being butthead, what's new with that?
Rob is history. pretty much has been since like April, yeah that lasted real long, then there was a guy named "X" he couldn't make up his mind! he kept asking me out then canceling, he saw me at a game one week and started to write to me after almost 6 weeks of not hearing from him,After a few e-mails back and forth we both decided maybe we are just better off as friends , we hang with the same crowd so it is just better that way!
So now I am not pushing it, letting it happen on it's on time...

Last week I was out with my normal crowd and my friend brought a friend we hit it off right away and I am having fun talking with him when we do see each other in group settings, only seen him twice! So who knows! We shall see, we seem to have the same sense of humor, and when I get a text from him, it makes me smile! Almost backed out of the second group meeting but I am glad I didn't. Even though I had an awful day the gathering made it better... It was a nice way to end a bad day!
Bethany is in cheer again this yr, so far no broken arms! Brent is in football... and I am still busy as ever!

Friday, July 3, 2009

why do I let him get to me like this

I could cry right now because I am all alone in this, the ex is acting as if he cares but he doesn't give a crap. he makes my blood boil. I don't know what I even saw in him all those yrs ago!
David went to the hospital the other night and was acting like father of the yr, the very next morning he was calling here making plans for the kids for the weekend, and when I said Brian is in the hospital he said "OH yeah that's right!" how do you forget in less the 24 hrs... ?
I know hate is such a strong word but I hate him!
Brian might be getting out the hospital today or Sunday not sure yet. His burns are healing nicely.
That's not all he did yesterday... He calls again later and ask what Bethany is doing that he wants to take her along with camille so camille could pick out a hamster! I said NO, he said WHY I said you know Bethany wants a hamster, he said "she can play with it when she comes here!" then Brent had an appointment with the Dr's for football and when david came here to get him he asked where it was even though I told him three times in the week and then calls again while driving there Where am I taking him and I told him, he was like "where's that rd at?" , I told him, he could of used his damn GPS... I told him the same dr we have been using for the past 16 yrs, he says "well I have other dr's to remember, and I say and I don't? he made me give him gas money to take me to go see Brian, he says I owe him 10 dollars anyway this coming from an asshole who owes me 2621.12 in CS.... UGH so much for him being so tuned in to his kids, he drives me crazy!! I want to scream.

Monday, June 29, 2009

My Son

I am so tired not sure what end is up or even what day it is.. Well I do now, when day care kids showed up!

Brian is back in the hospital... It all started about a week ago! I saw small burn narks on his arm from a BIC lighter I asked him what they were he said "nothing" I said "that's not, nothing, what is it!" he told me he burnt him self when I asked him why he said he wanted to see if it hurt... I said "well did it?" he said Yeah... I said then why did you do it 5 more times? He had 6 small burns all in a row.
So saturday morning at his appointment with his counselor I told him about it... He tells me WELL I wouldn't worry about it unless it gets worse, ( little did I know)... So saturday afternoon Brittany came over ( the other 2 were with their dad, his weekend) So Brittany , Bri and I went out to lunch... I was showing Brittany Brian's burns and went to pull his sleeve up and out of the way and I saw "something" so I lifted his sleeve a little higher! OMG (it brings chills to my body just re-typing it)... He had 2 HUGE round circle infected the size of a golf ball burns.... I immediately told him to lift his other sleeve and there were 2 more same spot same size they 2 were infected so we came home after lunch and I put nenosporon on it and band-aids, oh he also had 2 on his legs... called his dad to tell him about it and said I would call the peds first thing monday morning... WELL my friend Amy came over and I was telling her about it, and she said "that's not good" later that night we went to a friends house were her husband is an EMT and in front of him Amy says "Brian how are your arms?" he shrugs and says I don't know!" Amy says let me see at this point John is there ( the EMT) and Brian pulls back the band-aids and John said "What did you do buddy?" and Brian told him he burnt himself, John said "WHY?" Brian said "because I don't like my life!" John said to me that's not good he needs to be checked out for the burns (2nd degree) and what ever is going on in his head! So from saturday night 9:30 pm till sunday morning 6am were spent in 2 different hospitals.

Later on that afternoon when Bethany came home from her dads she asked about Brian and when I was telling her , she didn't act surprised at all about the burns and when I mentioned the 4 on his upper arms she said "I know!" ... I stopped and said "how do you know you weren't here, you were at dads!" Well here she knew about them for over a week, she said she didn't want to snitch on her brother! I explained to her that , that was a bad secret to keep that when someone is hurting themselves and then telling someone they really want to be told on, that it is a cry for help! A snitch is running to me to tell me Brian stole a cookie from the cookie jar is a "snitch".

David of course "what's wrong with him?" does anyone have a 2 by 4 I can borrow? he is an idiot he just doesn't get it!

now it is all making sense to me why he ONLY takes most of his anger out on Brent and wishing Brent dead!!!!
BUT David doesn't get it!

I know a lot of his problem are David BUT of course David doesn't get it... And thinking about it now NO wonder Brian says and does the things he does to Brent, he is taking his anger out on Brent because he is David's favorite! :*( I hate this for the kids! He is such an Ass (david) and when he left he says "divorce doesn't effect kids" HOW the heck would he know his parents are still married! Guess he was wrong!

So I went up to visit him last night and they were dressing his burns and IF his burns are not better by the time he is ready to come home I have to take a "med-care" class and learn how to take care of them, they are using a special cream that you can ONLY get on the burn and NO where else or else you will "melt" the healthy skin away. I'll have to wear gloves too.

There is so much more to this... My head is spinning.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

History Repeating???

Brittany's almost 19 I have to learn she is a big girl now and if she wants to go with him I have to let her go! I hope she learns before it's to late and it doesn't take her as long as it took me... WOW don is just like david in a lot of ways! Looking back over the last years, he is doing it very subtly, like David did. They are good at that.
he is talking marriage, so Brittany says! I was 16 when David and I got together, and David 18 (B&D are the same) I hope they don't get married and then in his 30's decide he didn't get to "sew his wild oats" and do what her dad did to me and leave her bear foot and pg... she has her permit but so far has done nothing to get her license! Shaking my head I see so much of me and David in there.... it's scary. But what can I do? I tried to point out the warning signs/red flags, but she doesn't want to hear it! :(


Friday morning before I kicked them out he was treading on thin ice... I asked Brittany ( they still had dishes in the sink from Monday) "when are you going to do your dishes?" She laughed and said "Don wanted to see how long it would take for you to get mad!" ( talk about respect) any way I said "I wasn't going to get mad I was going to put them in your bed." She says "you would of pissed Don off!" HELLO and what he was trying to do to me was different how?

I tried to give Brittany food and a toaster he wouldn't let her take it.. I think he thinks he is hurting me! He doesn't see it has hurting the person he claims to love!

This little brat works 2 days a week at an water ice shack... Brittany is paying for their apartment, HIS car, car insurance and no doubt cell phone too. NOW she is paying rent too... ON a one room place for 400.00 a month when they could of got a whole apartment for 400. 00 a month... He is showing me alright! Showing me how much of a jerk he really is!!! His true colors are coming out! I hope Brittany sees them before it is too late!

So Brittany came here after work and she didn't want to talk about "it" ... I asked her why Don wouldn't take the toaster or food or even coffee for his coffee maker... She was getting all bent out of shape, "I don't want to talk about it!" I told her "well I know why he is doing it, he thinks he is hurting me, he is only hurt you ( I told her) all she has been eating since Friday night is PB&J... she sat down and ate dinner with us! then don came and got her and took off with out a word to me!
He needs to grow up!!!!

I hate the fact that she can't see what Don is doing to her is a form of abuse!!! He wouldn't let her take a box of food from me, ONLY because he thinks he is hurting me!!!! What a little brat!!!

He is being an ass to Brittany to get back at me!!! I don't know exactly where the apartment is, BUT I know where about's it is I should drop a bag of non-perishables by when they are not there!

He doesn't even show his OWN mom respect, right there is a BIG red flag!
they say you can tell the type of man a guy is the way they treat their own mom and he is always saying how much he hates her!

His mom and step dad kicked him out, he was living with his bio dad when he moved in here, they have a good relationship from what I can tell. BUT he seems spoiled now looking back on things, he doesn't get his way his pouts and doesn't talk to you!
Gosh Brittany is talking marriage with him!!! I see history repeating it's self... (me and david)...

Brittany said he got his feelings hurt when I told him he was no better then Dennis!!! She said he doesn't hit me, or abuse me , or cheat on me!!!

BUT he doesn't show his GF's mother respect, or his mom, IMO that is a huge RED FLAG!!!

wish I would of raised her with a better back bone though , right now she is paying for every thing!!
and that little snert nose brat told me I needed show him respect in MY house! That is why he left his mom's!! HELLO he doesn't pay the bills....

Don is so controlling and sadly she does not see it that way, and you would think she would be the first to see the signs, since she watched me go threw it with her dad! BUT Don is different, he is not "dad"! Guess this is going to have to be another one of those lessons she learns the hard way and in the end says " you were right, again mom!"

He is gone

well the little snert nose brat broke the camels back.... He shut MY fuse breaker down while I was watching a movie. and then started screaming at me about showing him respect in MY home!!!! So I screamed at the top of my lungs for him to get the F out of MY house and leave MY key!!!!!!! He was trying to tell me I need to show him respect in MY house!!!!! OH MY gosh I told him to GET out before I call the call the cops!!!! That little brat doesn't pay the elecrtic or the mortgage, where does he get off messing with my stuff and tlling me a grown adult to show him respect in MY home! He needs to earn respect!! And he isn't even coming close to that!

POOR Brittany was crying and so torn I told her I love her and that some day she will realize blood is thicker then water! because he made a comment about that is how is mom and step dad went down, in other words ( I take it) that Don could NOT show respect to his mom or get his own way! HELLO this is MY house!!! So he left his moms and to this day he hates her because I take it he could not get his way! Bethany was crying and was saying she didn't want to take sides. I told her how much I love Brittany and how Brittany can come by anytime... Hopefully with this his true colors will come out!

I have never been so mad in my life! That kid (don) is to much I even told him he was as bad as dennis! that is how pissed I was!!!

HE is gone! I threw his BUTT out friday night close to mid night.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Fuss, Fuss, Fuss? what was the point?

oh my gosh all this fuss about them moving out, them saying it is too soon not enough time!!! GUESS what they are moving out their things as I type this! come to find out they are moving out next saturday!!!! as bad as this sounds I am really really happy!!!!! OH and it is an efficiency apartment across the street from our local pizza/pub joint... and literally a hop skip and jump to Brittany's work!!!!

I am letting her keep her cell ( going to pay for it) BUT I changed my password on it and the minute she abuses it I am shutting her off!!!

I also went to her work place MY bank first and told them NO way I want her fired, BUT is there a way to block her from checking my account? I use to have her do it for CS BUT now I don't want her checking when ever she feels like it saying "i need this!" "well you have it, I've checked!"

SO she is leaving on the 13th ...

So Brittany tells me this morning ( she talks to me when don is not here) that her and don think it is funny that their dishes are still sitting in the sink, they wanted to wait to see how long it would take me to flip! I told her I wasn't going to flip my next move would of been to put them in your bed! She said that would of pissed Don off!!! HELLO and what are you trying to do to me??? WOW...

But Brittany was crying, ( bitter sweet) she's happy to be moving BUT scared too, I told her AGAIN if it does not work out she knows this is her home too!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

UGH ungrateful people.... and know it alls

So get this Brittany and Don are up at my neighbors! they took my food up) ... People are telling me I am being to nice letting don stay on the way I am... So I text brittany and tell her they better change their way and respect me in MY home or I am changing their move out date! She tells me I can't do that.... breech of contract! ( no doubt she got that from bill) I tell her there is nothing in writing! she comes back "verbal" I tell her he is NOT paying rent that he is squatting, so i can ask him to leave any time... she writes nothing back about that.. She is going on and on asking how they are being rude, I told her that this is one way ( the texs) and then she tells me I am being just as rude to him (don) as he is me! UMMMM hellooooo ME grown up, MY house, my rules.... don't like it get the F out!!!!! I turned off my cell I was sick of the texes!!! I told her she better call her dad and take him up on that room at his place! I have had it!!!! She is saying stuff like how don does this and that and takes me here and there and that should be "thanks" enough.... HELLOOOOOOO????? he still has not spoken to me now going on 10 days! she tells me that it works both ways!!!! Their dishes are still sitting in the sink from monday!!!! And I am paying her cell... She has no idea how lucky she is...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Update on Bri and a little more too...

So Bri came home Fri after noon. So far so good, thy adjusted his medicines and he seems to be doing ok!!! he went back to school and that is going well too... Only a few more days left of school and summer break starts soon!

So I gave my daughter's boyfriend until Aug 1st to find a place and GO.. I told Brittany that she can stay, BUT he has to go, that this is Bri house and if Bri does not feel safe in his own house because of the bf, he needs to go ( the bf)... I told her that the door is always opened to her though.

So the bf has not spoken to me since the night I took Bri to the hospital!!! HELLO??? Bri??? He is lucky and should be thanking me that I did not throw his ass out the morning I got back from the hospital...

They don't have to pay me rent and or back for the bird they borrowed money from me for. So they can save for a new place! And I still get NO thanks! IF a landlord throws you out giving you 2 months you still owe that 2 months of rent!!! they don't know how good they have it!!!

NOW they have been eating out every night since I gave them notice!!! HOW can they afford it if they are suppose to be saving??? and the nights they don't eat out they leave MY sink full of dishes, makes me wonder who will do their dishes in their new place???

AND he has the nerve to call Bri worthless when he is almost 21 and works like 1 or 2 days a week scooping ice???? Bri is 16 and still in school...

AND Brittany pays for HIS car insurance and car payment and he won't let her drive HIS car!!!! WOW.....

Can we say RED FLAG!!!! not sure Brittany sees it even though I have tried to point it out!

NOW Brittany won't speak to me when her bf is around, and he just won't speak to me at all... Do I care that he won't speak to me???? NO!!!!


He has no idea how lucky he is that he is still here!!! Like I said I could of thrown his sorry ass out last Tuesday.... he should be thanking me and telling Bri he is sorry!!!

No it's NOT ALL his fault but he didn't help either....

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

lots of prayers needed for Brian!

lots of prayers needed for Brian!

He signed himself into a hospital last night! (monday night now)
I am going on 2 hours of sleep since monday morning 8am...
Poor Bri I was never so scared for him... Him and Don had it out and I believe that was the final straw... I went to the store with Bethany and came home to ask for help with the cases of soda and brian came out of his rooom so upset and in tears to the point I didn't know what he was saying... he scared me! He got out "I need help, I'm sick... I am having thought!"
My neighbor took us to the hospital at 5:30 LGH couldn't take him because of his age... BUT we sat there for transport 7.5 hours to go to another hospital... I called his dad to fill him in... his response was ... after I told him what brian's thoughts were..."HMMM" then he went on to say how Don was a BIG part of his problem! HELLOOOO!!!!
This coming from the "dad" who wlks into the house, ignores Brian who is less then a ft from him to say "HEY Boo , want to hit golf balls with me later this week!" Brian who says "What about me dad?" David says "you can hit golf balls too" Brian says I don't want too, David says "what do you want to do! Brian says "bowling" david says "what about roller skating?"


then don and Bri had a huge fight

and then Bri had a complete break down and he is in a hospital an hour away. And I am the only one on the visitors list, he didn't want hi sister or dad on the list. I told david , not sure how he took it, he didn't say much when I told him that! Bri made the list! I wrote it, he told me who to put!

OH and Ang knows a lot of this already!

even the part about Brittany and Don maybe moving out!

I told Brittany that they have till ?-X-02 to save and find a place! She took it like I thought she would , all pissy at first BUT she knows the door is always opened to her IF things don't work out with her and Don . I told her I love her and her brother very much , BUT if she want to be with Don I understand! BUT this is Bri's home BEFORE Don's. Since they were 19 and 21 they need to get out on their own! I stopped rent and she doesn't have to pay me back for the bird. Don starts work soon so they should have plenty saved up for a place by aug 1 IF they are short a a few ( no more the 2) hundred I will give it to them!

BUT I want my Bri Guy back!

Please pray!!!!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Every other weekend.....

I had it out with david friday night (5-15-09)! I told him to step up and be a dad! After Brent pushed me, while get out of his dad's van. his reply? Honest to God , his reply! "I am a dad every other weekend!"

he is the biggest jerk ever! we had it out in the drive way... it brought the neighbors out!
and believe it or not the new wife was agreeing with almost everything I said to him!
it just blows me away that he said that though! "I am a dad every other weekend!" So does that mean since he when has the kids on his weekend (only because I begged him) I am not a mom on his weekend?
he also told Brent after Brent told him he NEEDED shoes , David told him "If your good I will buy you shoes!" this coming from a butthead who has not paid support since Jan!!!! well EXCUSE ME he paid one month... he is still behind 3 months... so what he did pay last month does not count!
my neighbors asked if his wages were "garinshed" I said "NO he is self emplyed, he has to pay out of the goodness of his heart!"

Oh wait he has no heart was my response!!!

from what the kids tell me the second wife was putting him in his place from the get go! I should of done that from day one! BUT I was being the "bible wife" . And bending over backwrds to please my husband! I was shocked though that she was agreeing with me with the things I was finally telling him after 19 yrs!
NOW I just feel like crying! you've seen pictures of my kids! how can he deny them like that? how can any man do that to their kids! ANYONE can be a sperm donor! it takes a REAL man to be a dad!

Now I just want to cry how can he deny his own flesh and blood, Things are been nuts here. I have day care kids here every day from 6 to 6 and then my kids. No time to breath! Been having a lot of trouble with Brian and Brent. I feel like I am losing control of them! And their dad is of no help! I just don't get how he can do and say what he does, I don't get it.
I just feel like I can't take my kids any where any more, they act out so bad!
David still has not paid child support and now we have a court hearing date set for the 29th of May! He has only paid 2 months of support this year!
I sure could use some prayers , we need all the prayers we can get. Maybe for the boys to start listening again, and for David to step up and help parent! When I asked him to step up and be a dad and help out, he told me "I am a dad every other weekend!" WHAT? I am a mom 24/7. How is he only a dad every other weekend? Brian is so hurt and upset over how his dad treats him, I think that has a lot to do with why Brian is acting out, But David doesn't get it, instead he tells people I am a bad mom. He just loves to shift the blame. My heart breaks for my kids! He picks favorites and has the balls to say I am a bad mom!

OH and his weekends this yr? can be counted on one hand! He took them the weekend of 1-11-09, 2-21-09 and May 15,09.

ANY EXCUSES FOR HIM NOW??? "She'll" probably come up with one "She" e-mailed me one from my last post! Wish I could block ONLY "her" instead of going private!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

it gets on my nerves!!!!






Thursday, May 7, 2009

No more yesterdays

I am so glad yesterday is over!!!! What a nightmare I had, and of course the EX is of no help!!!!
My 16 yr old went missing and his dad could of cared less, half of Lititz was looking' for him ALL BUT his dad! Brian didn't come home after school. They get out a little after 3 and he sometimes walks to the day care with his friend to get her baby, well the latest he normally gets home from that is 4:30, 4:30 comes and goes no Brian, 5pm comes and goes NO BRIAN, I call his dad at 4:30 and then again at about quarter of and then I called his I called Brian's gf I told her if he was she needs to tell me and not cover for him it will just make things worse, I told her I was getting ready to call the COPS.So I called his dad a few more times asked his dad for help all I got was "HUMMM" I said "Can you jump in your van and help look?" I got a "HMMM" as if I was putting him out! My neighbors were bending over backwards to help .I called my friend Amy and David again, he is of NO help, So I called Rob to see what my options were, he told me the police wouldn't do anything for 12 hours! He said he was serving papers but would come over and help me too! 2 of my day care kids were still here, she calls me to tell me she is going to be late, 40 minutes late, I told her have her bf come get the kids then because I have a bit of an ER here, funny thing is she ended up getting here within 20 minutes, something tells me she was with her bf and not at work. So the day care left and I went to Amy's to talk to her husband, he said Why don't you call him on his cell? I told him I took it from him, he was grounded, what does he do with his kids and their cell when they are grounded? He said parent control, I didn't know they had that! I called david yet again, asked him if he could go around town to look and he sounded so put out! I asked him to call Brian's gf too, to see if he gets the same story! he said WHY??? ummmm because we were teenagers at one time too david you tell me why! He even sounded put out by making a call. My neighbor told me to call the police anyway ( despite the 12 hour thing). Especially since Brian is always saying he is going to run away.
so I did call the police, then I was told to go home and wait for them to show up! when I got back to the house Brian just walked threw the door too... 3.5 hours after school! I called the police back to let them know he came back! I called Rob too, BUT he still showed up anyway! Brian says he was at the park with his friends and it was my fault because I took his ... cell phone! I told him the 2 people he told me he was with had cells he could of used their phone for 30 seconds to let me know where he was! He told me know one cares! I told him IF I didn't care I wouldn't of called the police and told them to a T what he was wearing, his gf called back to see if he came home and his friend that he normally walks to day care with came down later to see if he came home!
He just upsets me thinking I don't care! WOULD I of gone through all that IF I didn't care!?
David has been like that since the day he walked out on us! and I would bet my bottom dollar Brian is acting out like this to get his dad's attention and he couldn't even get it ( his attention) tonight either!he picks favorites with our kids and makes it known too! IT shows BIG time who his favorites are! it's very sad.
Rob tried talking to Brian and scaring him about dentention halls, he seems to think he will have it better there then he does here!

Thanks to ALL those who were there for me! Rob< Amy, Michelle, Brett, Casey, Bill, Corry....

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I gave him his cell phone back with parental controls on it! he can ONLY call ME, Brittany, HOME and his dad! and no texes either, I think he can Tex the people he can call!
I didn't know about parental controls on a cell until Bill told me about them! Thanks BILL!!!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I just have to repsot this

not written by me, BUT I like it!

by Precious
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.

You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition
but only a quiet calmness when they are around.

You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.

Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you
through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and
possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Sister vent

my sister just doesn't get it... she doesn't think she casued my mom to get sick, of course it's not 100% her fault , my mom was abused pretty much from birth till my dad died! well then my sister pretty much picked up where my dad left off. But
she swears up and down "she didn't do it" she didn't cause my mom to get sick! they didn't fight that bad ( her words) she doesn't realize that just a little here and there adds up and there is only so much a person can take! I just want to tell her to grow the heck up it's not all about her and she did cause some of our moms problems, she sure didn't help the situation!
I hate when the phone rings 9 out of 10 times I let the machine pick up, yesterday I answered it and it was her, I dreaded picking up , I need to let the machine get it, she complains the whole conversation and I can't deal with it, it's not who I am, I often wonder how I ended up the way I did , care free happy go lucky let it roll off my back like a duck in rain type when I lived the situation for 17 yrs too?
It really annoyed me when she made the comment yesterday that she didn't have the time to deal with karen and scott that she was trying to make ends meet, the thing is it's not about karen and scott it was about our mom and I am trying to make ends meet too BUT with 4 kids and no child support!I am still trying to figure out how and what to do to help OUR mom!

My sister is almost 44 years old will ever get it, that it's not all about her?
She never had kids so I don't think she will get it! BUT then again I have a few freinds who are in their 40s with no kids and they get it!

My sister is coming up sat and we are taking our mom out, susan will pretned everyhting is peachy that there is nothing wrong with mom, BUT she will will bitch about how she was made to move out and yadda, yadda ya... take my mom back to her home and act as if we are one big happy family, it's pretty messed up!

I am going to try and see if my mom either want to move here or try and get in that appartment down the street! it goes by income and she could only have to pay 492. a month or 692 depending... BUT 692 is the highest! I hate her in that home. if she were closer I could see her more! and she could see her grand kids more!

Please keep us in your thougths and prayers!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Letting Go

A repost from my origianl journal when it was on AOL.. posted back in 05.... forget the exact date though....

Letting Go
I am willing to trust. I know that to the degree I am willing to give up my search for a healthy love relationship, I can have it. I know I can have whatever I am ready and willing to receive. Individual receptivity is everything. Without it, nothing changes. With it, all things are possible. I no longer insist upon my choice.

I know that the only thing I lose when I let go of something I am afraid to live without is the fear itself. I am stronger than anything that frightens me!

I let go of the past, and I am free to think clearly and positively in the present. I am not my past.

Letting go is the natural release which always follows the realization that holding on is an energy drain and it hurts. Letting go happens effortlessly when there is no other choice. Letting go does not mean giving up.

LoveNote. . . A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth -- with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts
Letting go is a journey that never ends. Never. It only begins -- over and over again -- each time I can glimpse something higher than my own painful certainty over who I think I am. There is always something higher; a life beyond the limits of my present sight.

To see what is farther I must be willing to lift my eyes from their present point of focus. Release always follows revelation and real revelation is always a glimpse of something that was only just out of sight.

I know that stress in my love relationship exists because I insist! What I resist, persists. I am tied to whatever I avoid.

LoveNote. . . The heart loves, but moods have no loyalty. Moods should be heard but never danced to. - Hugh Prather
It is a mistaken belief that I must push my love relationship in the direction I choose that keeps me in a strained and unhappy relationship with it. Reality has its own effortless course, and I can either embrace its way or struggle endlessly with mine.

I do not need power to flow.

I letgo of that part of myself that is certain it is better to suffer and feel like someone than it is to just let go and quietly be no one. I give birth to a new me that never has to hold on to anything because it is already everything.

I dare to walk away from all of the familiar but useless mental and emotional relationships that give me a temporary but unsatisfactory sense of self. My true identity is calling me and to hear it I must be willing to endure, for as long as necessary, the fear of self-uncertainty.

This form of seeming self-abandonment eventually turns into my greatest pleasure as it becomes increasingly evident that the only thing certain about fear is that it will always compromise me. When it comes to who I really am, there is no compromise.

Let go of the past. The past is yesterday. It is irretrievable. When you relate to the past, you relate to no one or any thing. You are literally talking to yourself. No one else is listening. You have already heard all you have to say about that, so, let go.

A Course in Miracles says, "You cannot really not let go what has already gone. It must be, therefore, that you are maintaining the illusion that it has not gone because you think it serves some purpose that you want fulfilled."

It is certifiable insanity to conjure up your own reality based on the past and relate to it, rather than to relate to the present which is the only reality.

LoveNote. . . Relationships are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment, the Holy Spirit's blueprint by which each individual soul is led to greater awareness and expanded love. Relationships are the Holy Spirit's laboratories in which he brings together people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth. - Marianne Williamson
I say goodbye to the past and hello to the present.

I am enthusiastic about who I am becoming! I know that no one sincerely asks for a new life until they are thoroughly dissatisfied with the old one. I am and I let go. When I allow myself to let go of what is old, I stay true to what is new.

I believe that as with all insight, higher understanding itself contains not only the instructions I must follow, but the strength I will need to carry them out.

Starting life over again is the key to a new me. I see the beauty and significance of starting over - over and over and over. Every present moment is always new and new is always right now! The new dies to the ever-new in an endless celebration of Life.

This is it!

I live in the present. I never let the past dictate the direction of the present moment. I give my best to my endeavors.

What lies ahead for me can only be good.

True peace and harmony are a part of who I am.

I have come to the realization that what is possible for me to become only truly changes when I am willing to see what is impossible for me to continue being.

My true nature is already fully independent and flying freely. I have found my wings.

I let go and let God. And so it is.

Thank you, Father!

LoveNote. . . He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is Love. - I John 4:8

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

It's come to my attention

It's come to my attention that I have not done an entry in a while! And it seems as if I am losing readers too!
Time is getting away from me and there hasn't been to much to blog about.
Lets see ..

Went to the Dr's last tuesday I was having some concerns BUT the Dr says everyhting is OK!

I am 99.9% sure it is over between Rob and I... We are better off as friends! I have heard from him once in the last 10 days.

Some where out there is My Mr Right... So I put my name back up on a web date site, who knows maybe he might be there, BUT I am not expecting to much from it either!
Maybe God doesn't want me with anyone? maybe I am not meeting anyone because God is trying to protect my heart?

I've been going out with my friend a lot lately, and have made some new freinds in the processes! It's about time been up here 18 yrs and I really only have people I just say HI to in passing. BUT I am finally starting to make a few friends. My oldest is getting up set with me that I am going out a lot! It's not like we are going to the bars though, well we do BUT most nights we just go for walks!

Tonight I am going back up to her house for dinner with the girls and the kids! So they are invited too! Most likely brittany and her bf won't go! BUT she was invited so she can't complain!

I am having a quiet day here , only one day care child and she fell asleep!
I probably should be doing laundry, BUT I don't feel like it! BUT I guess I should.

Who knows I may actaully have something real to blog about soon! Maybe!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

DID u Know?

THIS JUST IN ... Study finds that cell phone airwaves tend to not be as effective for men as they are for women!"

Saturday, March 21, 2009

2009 Right??

this is 2009

and yet some men think that the womens place is still is in the kitchen!!!

oh my

so the other night I was talking to some "one" (male) and they mentioned how they can't stand when dishes are left in the sink! (NOT my sink) ...
I say "well do them!"
he told me that he feels that is a womens JOB!!!
OMG... strike ONE.....


I am on the phone thursday night with this same person and he tells me how his son is in a relationship and getting married to this girl who Wears the pants in the relationship she says what goes and has final say! ALL say. according to this friend .... his son has NO say!

So my friend goes on to say he may be a male chauvinist ... Because he believes the man has the final say, of course the women has some in put BUT he has the final say( can we say strike 2)!!! Then he asked me how I felt about that... OH MY GOSH talk about LMAO... and I did too after I clamed down for a bit from my fit of laughter... Said I just got out of a relationship like that and boy am I glad I don't have a man to answer to anymore...

Yeah this relationship is doomed!!!

My Head Hurts

HE came over Tuesday night stayed for about 20 minutes maybe less, left me more confused then ever,He said he wanted to be with me and in a relationship, But then made a comment that he wanted to see me happy even if it was without him ( he must of heard my songs on myspace) ( he knows I like lyrics) or it was just a coincidence?
He says he wants to be in a relationship with me BUT on his terms... When he is not working (which is pretty much 24/7), he will squeeze me in. BUT work comes first it is just who he is. I just wonder what he is going to do when he is older and can't do this job anymore? Will his gun and un served warrants keep him warm at night or hug him when he is scared and lonely? So does that mean I am suppose to sit around collect cob webs and wait for him to call to ask me out? Dust my self off and be ready and say OK!
He said with summer coming his job his only going to get worse.
But he also told me that his last relationship was a very passionate one. I don't get how he had a passionate relationship if there was never any time? BUT then again she does live in the same town as him. So maybe?
I don't know I am so confused!
I don't want to hurt him. BUT I don't want to be hurt either.
Maybe we are just better off friends? I don't want things to get messy and ugly. I don't want to hurt or get hurt.
Just knowing some of the things I know though from all our talks makes me sad! I hate this!
Maybe just date? no relationship? no fuss no muss? no strings? go back to friends and go from there? Can you really go back though? Is that possible?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

There comes a point

There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will...
So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future..

never forget

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


There are some things from our high school experiences that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives and some memories that we choose to forget. But when we look back at those experiences, we’ll see our friends, the ones who got us through everything, and we’ll realize how lucky we are to have them.

you can spend....

“ You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened—or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*** on." Tupac Shakur

There comes a time...

There Comes A Time In Your Life
When You Have To Let Go Of
All The Pointless Drama
& The People Who Create It
So Surround Yourself With People Who Make You Laugh
So Hard That You Forget The Bad And Focus Solely
On The Good . After All, Lifes Too Short To Be
Anything But Happy

Friday, March 13, 2009

It's worth it

Rob ended up callin around lunch time, and he called twice yesterday too.
oh and he came over for a few minutes for lunch since he was in town... when he called at lunch time he asked if i would like some company! So of Course I said YES ....

LOL I have a funny to tell about this!

So he shows up in his work truck and he was here for a bit and takes a look at my heater(it's broken), he has a friend who goes into houses and cleans them out and sometimes comes across heater units , so we go down to take a look at my unit. I was in the middle of talking to him and he just grabbed me and kissed me. We shared a few kisses down there, As he was getting ready to leave , at the door (outside) we were kissing good-by... a neighbor is pulling up in her drive way! I start laughing in the middle of our kiss, and then say "my neighbors are going to think I am kissing the repair man!" He laughed and made a comment about fixing my plumbing.... ( bad I know).

Well gee how else am I suppose to pay for his services??? LOL....

I am going to stick it out! I really like him and I am a fighter! not a fist fighter or verbal.... BUT I fight for what I believe in and want!

oh and Ken and Mort I knew you both meant well by your comments, ;)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

He's just Not that into you

funny thing is that was our first date movie that we saw together!

and here I told him I was into him, after asking the waitress for a take home box!!!

in the movie the guy tells the girl "and the girl isn't into the guy when she asks for a take home box on the first date!"

I asked the waitress for one and looked at him with a wink and said "don't worry I am!"

foolish me!!!!

Benefit and Time?

Mort, that is all I ever do is give EVERYONE the benefit ofthe doubt...

I am to kind hearted and naive like that! I gave it to my ex and look where that got me! I gave it to the OLD R and that got me no where and waiting four yrs!

And Time, Ken, how much time??? a day, a week, a month, a yr??? I feel like I am in a long distance relationship again and he doesn't live that far away. If we don't have any time together how will we ever know?

every time he says he is coming over something suddenly comes up! I get my hopes set high only to answer his calls with him on the other end saying "something suddenly came up!" it's always work... emergencies... I am sure there are other guys who can take it, he could say he has plans... BUT nope, everyone else comes first. That's not healthy in a new relationship.

How many "emergencies" , how many "something suddenly came ups" how many "Sorrys" do I put up with until I say ENOUGH is ENOUGH No more?

I am tired of being placed on the back burner!

for once I want to be on a pedal stool!

guess that won't happen in my life time!

I shouldn't have fallen so hard and so fast!

Silly me!

This is not right the way he's treating me, it started off great, (maybe just one of his game moves). I care about him but now I feel as if he is just leading me on. I give up for now, NO more first move texes on my part. If he wants me, he WILL find me and he WILL make a way to get to me.

So as of now the ball is in his court.... And so far he has made NO moves this morning to make contact.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Brain Freeze

I haven't written here in a while, because I don't have much to write about! I have brain freeze and no life to go along with it...

Let's see my love life? That's a joke... What love life?
WOW I thought I felt alone when I was single... Feeling alone when you are suppose to be with someone sucks more then being alone single! I haven't seen Rob in almost 2 weeks, every time he says he is going to come over "something" comes up! So I just don't get my hopes up any more like I use too, once again I am use to rejction. I won't get all giddy and excited till I see the white of his eyes! There for a while it was almost every other day... and even once in the very beginning ,it was 4 days in a row. I don't know, I really like him a lot I do... I'm not a needy person , BUT at the same time I like companship! And how are we ever going to figure out if it is meant to be if we never get to spend any time together? I feel like I am in a long distance relationship, and I have BTDT before, BUT the thing is we dated local for a year and a half before he took off for college for the other 4.5 yrs of our courtship. So our relationship was pretty much grounded and nurtured. This when I get there I get there, Oh I'm not getting there is really making it diffcult.

And it's official I am FAT!!!! According to my neighbor anyway... Last Saturday he yells from across the way "HEY NEIGHBOR!" then with an added "ARE YOU PREGNANT?"
Gee thanks a lot!!! I felt like saying something back (a come back) something about him being dickless... BUT for once was at a lost for words! ME!!! can you imagine me sarcastic Sharon speechless?

So as of now I am on a diet and will do whatever it takes to lose 20 pounds!
Sorry "D" if I look like I've been hitting the crack pipe(your words) ! I rather look like that then fat and pregnant!!!

So since this diet has started I have lost about 4 pounds! I've cut soad out of my diet 6 almost 7 weeks ago. Haven't had a drop of it. I cut down on iced tea too and drink lots of water, a juice with Acai berry in it, and protein water. I eat a very small breakfast, little if any lunch ( salad) and then a normal dinner with a loooong power walk after wards. With a green tea pill too!

Kids are all doing well! Bethany won't be in the Fashion Bug fashion Show like she was in the yrs past! Fashion Bug stopped selling her size clothes! And my size too!!! Can you believe they did that, especially in this economy? They just lost three customers! LOYAL customers at that too! Bethany was disappointed when we went to sign her up last night, and they told us the news! Well she did get a 30 dollar pair of jeans for 5 dollars out of it though, since they are discontinuing her size! I should go back down and get her a few more for the next few years! Guess it won't be to long before fashion bug goes out of business altogether! Especially when Target finally gets here, and in the same shopping center as FB!

Well so much for having brain freeze...
BUT it wasn't all that either... I promise, I will get back to this blog, with something interesting. I just have to find something interesting to get back here with.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

I survived childhood abuse, I survived scoliosis, I survived a cheating husband, I survived anemia, I survived a thoracic meningocele,I survived GIST!!! !THIS TO SHALL PASS!!!! I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

Sunday, February 15, 2009


we got to spend a few hours together tonight and as I was walking him out ALL the stars were out and I said "ohhh look at all the stars!" and at the same time we both pointed to these stars in the sky and at the same time we both said "Look Cassiopeia!" "she" was right out above my front door. it's crazy the things we think and say... I pick up my cell just as I am about to get a text from him... I just wish we had more time together...
Rob is a very bright man... very smart, kind sweet and very romantic.... I love every second I spend with him. Just wish we had more time!
He is looking to get a second car for his daughter, so he doesn't have to share!
His ex she, doesn't drive either... so his daughter drives her places... and right now they only have one car and they share it! as soon as they get that second car and sporting events slow down ( he is a security gaurd for those too) ( should be soon) , we will able to spend more time together!

White Roes

I got a white rose (well 3) from Rob yesterday....


The white rose bloom is easily one of the most popular wedding flowers. The color white conveys purity, honesty, fidelity, peace and integrity. The white flower is valued for its considerable beauty and detail. However, though they can convey deep emotions, due to the varied levels of meanings, one must be careful in choosing the color of their flowers.

White roses signify deep, clear emotions. They are given without reservation or ambivalence. The red rose signifies lust or passion, but the white rose goes much deeper to suggest an infinite love that goes to the very core of one’s being. It carries an almost spiritual significance. White roses symbolize devotion, kindness, and deep friendship in love.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What a week.....

WOW what a mixed bag of emotions this week from high and giddy on life to wanting to cry at the drop of a hat!

Get the bad out of the way and end on a good note....

First like I mentioned Brian had gone to live with his dad in the beginning of the yr... and David wants him on the zoloft. I told David about a week ago, From now on when he goes away on trips (which is a lot lately) I want Brian home with me , Since Sophie and I can't seem to understand each other... or she gets confused over the English language ... So he agreed to that...

So the other night had to take Bethany to the Dr's for a UTI... and while we were there we talked briefly about Bri and the zoloft and his peed said it is a low dose and he should be fine... So on the way home I said to David "Brian says you don't pay attention to him, the whole idea of him going there was for you to give him some 1 on 1 time !" and since Bri says that is not happen' in I want him home with me if he is going to be on zoloft so someone can keep an eye on him!

He says I pay attention to him! I said that's not what Bri says and Bri says Sophie even agrees with him that you don't!

David's answer was "HMMM"! ...

SO Bri is home with me! On his 16th B-day!!!!!

I told the kids there would be changes made!!! The first night went well!

We had a stake dinner with delightful company!!!! :)

We had a traumatic experience yesterday Bethany and I.... we were both in tears!

She had 3 UTI's since Oct and 2 of them just in Jan... so the Dr felt it necessary to do further testing.... I didn't realize the one test... a V.C.U.G was so invasive.... OH my gosh we were both in tears!!!!

Turns our her initial test at the Dr's office came back clear!!!! I wish they would have waited till the results from the test had come back first before they made her do the other test!!! I still get teary eyed thinking about what my baby had to go through!!!!

BUT the Dr just called and ALL is WELL!!!!

So now on the happy note!!!!!

I have a boyfriend!!! It's official!!!! Guess he isn't a boy!!! BUT you know what I mean!
I invited him over for dinner last night stakes on the grill... ( they do say a way to a mans heart is through his stomach) ;)
When we were saying good night for the night I asked him "so should I change my status on myspace?" he said he didn't know much about myspace (doesn't get on much) and I explained, how mine says single should I switch it to in a relationship? and with that he said "I would say we are in a relationship!" and sealed it with a kiss! :)

so I wonder if it was the kiss or the steak???

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

EX's.. My Son, Thoughts and opinions on Zoloft

david is pisisng me and thinks he knows more about raising the kids, then I do, even though I have been doing it 8 yrs alone, david thinks he can fix the kids in 30 minutes or less by letting them lose on the roller rink!!!! david thinks he is all knowing and knows the kids better then I do...

I am thinking of having Brian come home.... david wants to put Brian on zoloft and I have not heard one good thing about this medicine yet.... I am scared to death of him going on it and when I say to david is this a chance you are willing to take... his reply is/was "HMMMMM" like he was picking out paint for the wall 'Pink" or "blue"? HUUMMM....
I could smack him because then his second reply was YES, he is willing to take a chance on Bri's life by putting him on zoloft....

he says "Well he has been depressed since the beginning of the yr..." So I said "HMMMM... he has been living with you since the beginning of the yr!" then he takes it back and says NO longer....

I call david to try and tell him stuff that is FACT and he just won't listen! he knows it all and I know nothing!!!
he still thinks I am that naive little girl he married!!!! I hate it!!!!
Maybe I should release the bitch in me and show him!!! according to the kids sophie does! whats one more bitch for him to deal with!!! EVEN though I am standing up for myself and the kids I am to nice about it!!! Maybe I have to change that!!!

I want Brian back and if he doesn't give him back I will have to use my connections!!!! I wouldn't do that BUT if push comes to shove... I will call my lawyer...

He is making my life miserable now that he knows I am happy , with Rob....

I seriously think he doesn't want to see me happy!!!!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

a snip it from my Private Blog

here is the "Kisseme" story part of my private blog entry....

OP was 2-6
I was telling him all my myspace friends the top 40 who was who and how I knew them... Well for the life of me I could not remember where my number three lived I knew it was fl but the town forgot it!!!! So he was rattling off some.... Pensacola.... I would say NO, Orlando??? again me NO then he said Kissemee, I said NO not yet.... he just laughed.... Brittany told me I was a dork!


So inquiring minds want to know...

Who him is???

Well I think I will share....

I shared in my private J guess I'll spill....

HIM would be an old high school (good) friend from back in the day, 25 yrs back....

He found me on face book on another girls page! Thing is I almost didn't add her to my page, BUT I did and boy am I glad I did! He told me he hardly ever goes on there but that one night he did and even went to her page ( they dated in high school) any way he saw me and said he HAD to add me, he gave me his number and I gave him my number and well we have been talking every night since and when we are not talking we are texting... Here he moved to Lancaster county too, so our paths could have crossed at one point but we never noticed... He is a rent a cop at the mall... Who knows how many times we could have passed each other in the halls at the mall and never noticed...

One e-mail I sent him my myspace page and he asked me to be his friend there... I said YES and I texted him to let him know "I said YES" and he texed back "would you say yes to an old friend stoppin" by?" he said he had to work (a different job not the mall) but rather come see me... so I said YES again..... he came over that night and pretty much every night since we have seen each other... Thursday night was the first, then Friday night at the mall, Saturday night at the mall, and today we had our first official date... dinner and a movie.... and our first KISS, kisses....

I have not felt like this in who knows how long! I have been on dates here and there since I got divorced , BUT have never felt like this with any of them....
He is, super nice+ , easy to talk to +, so cute+, taller then me + well duh I stand '5"2 , he is a PA st constable ( uniform)++, and he is bald +++++ not all guys can pull that off but OH BOY can he.....

we went to see "he just not that into you" GOOD MOVIE cute...
one part the guy says in sp many words that the girl is just not that into you if she asks for a take home box" when I asked for a take home box for my dinner, I looked at him and said Don't take this as a hint... Because I am... He laughed ....

I have another cute one I will share later.... It happened he other night though...

But it ties into something he said tonight.... ( if you read my private J you might remember)

he said "Kisseme now?" and well we had our first real kiss tonight!!!! :)

well i think

i may have figured out why i can't sleep???
LOL and it's not so bad after all....

I go to sleep thinking about him, I wake up thinking about him ...

though I am sleep deprived I am still happy!!!

So I guess it is not a bad thing after all...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

What's up????

Oh my gosh not sure what is wrong with my body... Most of the week I have been getting up at 4am, today the only day I can sleep in and I am up at 3am... what's up with that? Guess I am going to have to go to the Dr's and check it out! I am kinda of tired of morning coming in the midddle of the night!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Went to my oncologist today and he gave me a clean bill of health! NO cancer! He said I can even stop taking my chemo pill!!!! I still have about 2 weeks left, he said I can finish them up if I want, that I don't have to but can if I want to!!!
He wants me to have a follow up... He gave me the choice of 6 months or a yr! I picked 6 months... Maybe after that one comes back clear to the next one I will do a yr!!!

Hopefully 2009 will be my year for good things to happen!!!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

my private blog

I just entred 2 entries there...
a few of you asked to be added to it, but I may have forgot and or didn't have an e-mail to add you! Please comment here AGAIN and leave an e-mail addy so I can add you!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


how do I add readers to my priavte J I forget!

My date

So I went on that date with the guy from church!
It was nice!
He took me to a bar to see his brother's band play!
He smokes , I don't like smoke.... he says he is trying to quit though!
Funny thing... but not so funny!
He is 47 and never married.... I made a comment "you don't still live at home with mommy do you?"
LOL ooopppssss he guess what? He does!
I said "OOppss!" then though found he hasn't lived with her all 47 yrs , he just fell on some hard times and had to move back!
Come to find out his mom and family go to the church too, I didn't put his last name with the other members thinking they are related!
It's kind of weird though because everyone at that church is related to someone some how! everyone that is but me... I have no family members there.
I just don't like everyone knowing my "businness"... I am a priavte person!
NOT sure how this is going to work out.
He did ask for a second date!
We shall see!

oopsss silly me

Silly me I forget how to add people to my private blog?
I think I need e-mail addy's to do this ???
It's been a while!

Long Time

A lot going on here,

a lot I can't post here...

it's in my private J...

if youwant to be added ( I sent invites, only 6 joined) leave a comment and I will add you!