Monday, September 28, 2009

Not here

I am posting in my private journal for the next day or 2, whatever it takes!

Friday, September 25, 2009


I've built a wall not to block anyone out but to see who loves me enough to climb over it

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Some people believe that your destiny is already laid out for you and good or bad, no matter what you do, it finds you. People also believe in soul-mates. that one person that was made for you that you are meant to be with no matter how bumpy the road is getting to him. I guess that’s what I believe.
Not sure if a person can have more then one soul mate though? I thought I met mine many yrs ago, BUT I chose another path and let him go! I still think of him now and then and think what if? Our paths did cross again not to long ago and well lets just say I remember WHY I took the path I did, even though that path didn't have a happy ending either...

I do believe in putting myself out there and always being open to receiving love because I believe that the one who is meant to be mine will find his way to me when we are both open and ready for it. I also believe that I have to kiss a lot of toads before I find my prince so that I can be more appreciative of the love that I find in him and that I learn from every experience good or bad. I also think that everything that happens; happens for a reason and each experience—good or bad—brings you a step closer.

it did take me a while to learn this, BUT once I did I became a happier person. My gaurd is still up. BUT it's not under lock and key like it once was!

Lifes lesson, live and learn... keep what works , get rid of what doesn't or tweek it to make it better!

my favorite word is
Serendipty... you know the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

one day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past , for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come' Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering!
Ida Scott taylor

My baby and More

My baby is 10 today, where did the time go they grow up so fast! I love her so much, she truly is a special gift from God!

I feel the need to start journaling again, It helps with healing and moving forward!

I want to write more , so much more, but my thoughts are all jumbled up inside, can't get them straight to get the words out, it's almost as if the file cabinet in my head blew up and the papers are scattered all over the place!

Anyway as soon as I get my thoughts and words un jumbled were they won't get me into trouble... I'll be back!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

oh my

WOW ummmm for once I am speechless, thanks to my friendly stalker... LOL... hummmm
600 textes since friday...
Wanted to see the "good stuff" .... no not like that, get your mind out of the gutter....
So I told him if he wanted to see the "good stuff" he has to take me on a date!!!!
Guess who has a date?

guess I should define "good stuff".... Good Stuff: more in depth information about me... my deep dark secerts what makes me tic....

Saturday, September 19, 2009


( I wrote this last night but am only positng it now) I was 2 seconds away from calling the police here on Brian tonight he
stole over 50.00 he gave 20.00 back... he still lies over the other
30.00 !!! I just got paid an hour before he stole it! He couldn't wait a day or 2 until I started to spend it? He went to his dads for the weekend I can't take it any more! He sucks at lying and stealing! He is the worlds worst liar!

and it pisses me off too because I support his ass! I have been busting
my butt to make ends meet and david has not paid support in 2 months
and he goes and steals from me! I went off on him I am surprised the neighbors didn't call the police on me for screaming! it had to sound like someone was being murdered! it just makes me so mad that he is pretty much stealing from his brother and his sister.... And even after he handed back the twenty he still denied taking it from me! I told him then he is a dealer because there is no other way he would of gotten it! and I was missing 2 twentys and a ten! got back one twenty, still missing the other! I have noticed my money going down , but I thought that was because I was spending to much and not keeping track, buying things here and there for the start of school! I never thought he would steal from me
seeing the way we struggle!!! I am so pissed right now I don't want
him back in the house!!! He went with his dad tonight so I could hang
with friends for a bit! I won't keep a penny in my wallet any more! don't think his therapist is of no help when I talk to him he really
just "hmmmm!" and when i was talking to david about it , he was making a joke of it! brought up some stupid scene in the ice age movie?
Brian says I keep changing my story! BUT I don't keep changing how
much I am missing! The day care father just paid me when he picked up his daughter! I didn't go any where to spend it! Then Brian made a comment about my money being in my purse! HELLO how did he know it was there! 8 out of ten times my wallet is on the table! Stupid me! you know lately I thought I was missing money but with the start of school and the kids saying I need this or that... I wasn't keeping track of it to well! Better believe I will be keeping better track now! So if Brian says he needs new shoes next week I will tell him since he stole from me I can't afford it! Brian he acts younger then Bethany.... sometimes even younger then the 4 yr olds I watch! The Dr's did an evaluation on him in the hospital and they says that he acts and thinks like a 9 yr old!!! Bethany doesn't even do or say half the stuff Brian does!
So next week when one of them need something I will have to say NO ! I plan on saying NO to Brian if he needs something... I'll tell him he has money get it himsel.! it's not in my budget! You know Brain still swears he didn't steal it from me, even as he was handing 20 of it back! he looked at me swore it was his! I asked him where he got it! Told him either it is my money or you are a drug dealer because you don't have a job! not a legit one any way! he looks me straight in the eye and lies, even though he has been caught and knows I know he is lying!
You know and david says divorce doesn't mess kids up!
Brian hates his life!

Brent hates Christians....Brent now claims he is atheist and we are all crazy loons for having "A God"
I don't even bother waking Brent to go to church... I know that is probably not the right move! BUT I don't want to go to church on a sour note!
it all started last yr after his science teacher and the "big bang" lesson! and what makes it worse is his science teacher is a christian! He bought a book on Darwin... I wouldn't pay for it, I told him if he wanted it, he would have to pay for it, so he did! I told him he should buy the one that disputes Darwin and read it too and then form his own opinion! he won't do that! Guess he is afraid of the truth!
he bought a CD by a guy named Brian Welsh he use to be in the group KORN well he became a born again christian and left the band.... he got baptized ( he looked just like Jesus) any way his new cd sounds awful... BUT if you listen to it he sings about thanking God for still being alive after all he has done in his life! and the very first person he thanks on his CD is GOD.... when I researched this on line and read Brent's cd case and pointed it out to Brent! Brent's reply was... "he is brainwashed!" One night I asked him where he comes up with some of his crazy ides he told me he makes it up! I told him "oh that's real intelligent!"
He (Brian Welsh) also wrote a book by the same name of one of his songs "save me from myself" I am thinking of getting it for Brent! Brent just finished 7th and is in 8th this yr! I know it was the science class! and his teacher is a christian... he should IMO of told the kids I am a christian ,I don't believe in this but I have to teach it!
he claims he stopped believing in God when he found out about Santa!

so much fun!

so far Bethany is still on the right track, she hasn't hit her double digits in age yet... So that could change soon too... She's 10 in 5 days!

Friday, September 18, 2009


haven't posted since July, lots going on here, still having trouble with Bri but not as bad! Butthead is still being butthead, what's new with that?
Rob is history. pretty much has been since like April, yeah that lasted real long, then there was a guy named "X" he couldn't make up his mind! he kept asking me out then canceling, he saw me at a game one week and started to write to me after almost 6 weeks of not hearing from him,After a few e-mails back and forth we both decided maybe we are just better off as friends , we hang with the same crowd so it is just better that way!
So now I am not pushing it, letting it happen on it's on time...

Last week I was out with my normal crowd and my friend brought a friend we hit it off right away and I am having fun talking with him when we do see each other in group settings, only seen him twice! So who knows! We shall see, we seem to have the same sense of humor, and when I get a text from him, it makes me smile! Almost backed out of the second group meeting but I am glad I didn't. Even though I had an awful day the gathering made it better... It was a nice way to end a bad day!
Bethany is in cheer again this yr, so far no broken arms! Brent is in football... and I am still busy as ever!