Random Madness

Where do I start, have so many thoughts running through my head....

So many mixed emotions right now. I want to scream, I want to cry... I try to laugh to hide the pain, it's not working.

I feel like I am breaking inside (awesome song btw).

Last week I was under the impression I had 2 day care jobs, this week I find out they both fell through. Just when I think I am getting my head above water I sink even lower. I don't feel like I am ever going to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.

I guess it's time to hang up my hat with home day care and go get a job in the outside world. It's kinda of a scary thought to me since I have not worked out side the home since 1986 all I know is home day care... And I would miss the little one I watch now, he is like my own.

David not paying child support just makes it worse. I really hate him for doing this to his family! he claims he paid it BUT it's been 2 weeks since he said that and still nothing has showed up in my account! He won't even help out and buy the kids things they NEED NOT WANT! I never dreamed in a million years he would turn out to be such an ASS. We have a court hearing to go to on the 15th I have to take off and lose a days pay. I better get something from this. It pisses me off that he does this crap to his kids.


Then there is the MEN issue... Men just plain suck!!! I am not NO rebound girl, or a holla back girl, you know girl that is willing to be treated like a doormat or booty call. She is a girl that will allow guys to do whatever they want with her and will just wait for them to 'holla back' at them. Well that is NOT me,... OR a stand by will do in a pinch sort of girl. I am worth way much more then that.

So many things are bothering me right now. Most of which are small and trivial but none less weighing heavily on me right now!

Things are really bad right now and I could use the extra help but have to much pride to ask for the help. I know of a person who abuses the system and I don't understand how they can do that, I don't get it. I had to break last week and ask my mom for help I really hated doing that, but with David being an ass I had no other choice.
There is a food closet here in town... I do have some food but some of it needs other things in order to make it. My kids say there is nothing to eat... They just have to learn to make do with what is here for a few more days. I don't want to have to call the food closet , cuz I know there are other people in town way worse then us. I have called it 3 times in 9 years, the second time (it had been three yrs since my first call) the women said in a snotty voice "we don't do this all the time!" So I try not to call them. People who abuse the system make it hard on those who don't.

I am sure things will turn around ( for the better, I hope) here soon.

Brian spent a day or 2 at his dads not long ago and he came home saying how Fugly told him she plans on leaving David soon. HMMMM when she does can I tell him "Told you so!" can I please??? 9 yrs ago this month when his affair first came to light I told him she was only using him for his choke gag hahaha money and that she was going to bankrupt him and leave him, his reponse in his voice ( like ho hum) was "maybe she will." She IMO was just using him for a green card all she has to do is stay married to him for a few yrs then she can divorce him and still be able to stay in the U S especially since she has a kids now by him. BUT she told Brian she plans on leaving him in another 2 yrs because she really doesn't love him any more!!! WHO the hell tells kids this kind of crap??? They are messed up people they also told MY kids I cheated on him... WHF??? UMMM yeah right!!! He kept me bare foot and pregnant, and even though he said he wanted me to learn to drive he did everything he could to scare me from it. I was NEVER allowed to leave the house with out one or ALL the kids I always had to have them with me! Even on a moms night out I had to take the youngest with me, so much for a moms night out! OH they told the kids I did it while I big food shopped (once a month) YUP that's were I cheated behind the produce and got 2 full shopping carts full of food in an hour.
OMG who tells KIDS this crap!!! OH I know people who try to shift the blame! Well all I know is GOD and I know the truth and that is what matters.

And just because I wrote the above paragraph doesn't mean I am still hung up on the dude, it just means I am getting it off my chest.