Tonight I wanna cry

WOW so much for blood being thicker then water!!! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

Contrary to popular belief I am not strong. I broke down and cried, after I hung up on my mom from a phone call. She is confused , she is mixed up she puts words in my mouth I never said. And she seems to like BUTTHEAD still after all he has done to me and her grand kids. I am still hurt to this day that she hugged him after the fact he cheated on me and she knew it too!!!!!! HELL would freeze over before I hugged any man that cheated on my daughters!!! They better know how the hell to run...
She seems to think the courts are for me too... That they will do what they say when they tell David if he doesn't pay he will go to jail... They have been saying that for yrs.. they never follow through, they only say it to scare him and it only works for a month or 2 then he is right back to being an ass.
She thinks the courts and David are the greatest... She thinks yesterdays court hearing David paid up in full and I am a millionaire and I am rolling in the dough. UGH!!!!  She just doesn't understand the system and ex's how they both suck!


I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do... I've prayed and prayed and still my prayers are going un heard. The Bible says God helps those who help themselves... WELL guess what...

I will do what I have to do for my kids.

just messin around

Just messin' around didn't know how till add pictures until this entry...Now trying to figure out how to make the journal pretty too...

Is it wrong to say I told you so

Just like I said he cried boo-hoo to the court personal yesterday in Child support court. They said "don't do it, again!" and "see you in Nov!" There is a continuous hearing. I don't have to be there. I didn't have to be at this one either and David asked Why I was there, I told him I wanted to find out what was going on. BUT he boo hooed how he has this bill and that bill and his house is going into forclouser.He paid a little bit BUT what really got me was he told them "I have bills" I spoke up and said "This is a bill!" he turns around and said "I would give my kids my last nickel if I could!" Yeah that's why my mom has been helping out off and on since Feb. Reminds me of the time Brittany asked her dad for money for jeans and he said NO but then the very next thing he did was give his step daughter enough money where Brittany could of bought 4 pairs of jeans. Right after he told Brittany no too!
It just makes me so mad that he can boo hoo to the courts and the courts just says "don't do it again or "other actions" (jail) will be taken against you! HELLO how many times do they say that before they actually follow through?
So he paid some... swears he paid in late Aug. he says "I sent it, I don't know why they won't give it to her!" @@ He let his 6 yr old mail it, she probably stuck it in her play purse or gave it to her mom or threw it away.
Anyway he did give a check to them BUT it will take another week to hit my account.He was telling the court how his house in foreclosure is it wrong to be a little bit happy? I warned him 9 yrs again"mark my word David, I said"She is going to bankrupt you and when she does she will be gone, she will leave you with nothing and go back to Paris!" Well here we are 9 yrs later and he is about to lose his house and there it talk that she plans on leaving him. When I told him that nine years ago all he said in a calm voice was "well maybe she will!" I can't believe he threw away 18 yrs and a family for her and the mess she got him into... I tried to warn him... Sorry to say BUT I KNOW EVERYTHING!!! So when she does go and he is in a one room apartment would it be wrong of me to happy dance and say I TOLD YOU SO???

???

Why am I so freakin picky when it comes to the men in my life? Yet some women just settle?

Lyrics

As I laid in bed last night a few lyrics popped to mind... I love lyrics to certain songs... I once was told to listen to a song called "angel eyes" from this guy I was in a relationship with... he tells me "but don't read into it!" Hello don't tell me to listen to a song but don't read into it. What's the point in listiening to it then? The following day he broke it off with me.
Then there was this other song that was once thrown into a text I was having with someone, not the song but a line from it, and it often makes me wonder what he was thinking when he said it... Now every time I hear the song I think of him and the text. I wonder if he thinks of me when he hears the song. I dare not mention the song or the text because if he happens to be lurking, surly he will know who I am talking about, he seems to always know when my facebook post are about him.

any who I'm just thinking out loud and just wanted to type them.

I just love music!

UGH!!!

So I call David, ask him if he sent CS (again) , he says NO he is waiting till the court hearing on Wed... then says "I don't feel like going to this!" HELLO McFly all you have to do is pay CS and we wouldn't have to go to court! And I am out a days pay becuz of it... oh not to mention out 4 months of CS too....
i just wish he had a normal job that took his money from him so I wouldn't have to deal with him... I would be happy all the time becuz I wouldn't have to deal with him at all then.


insert SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this feeling

I'm in a mood this evening ... I can't put a finger on it, and I'm not even sure why I'm in this mood, but I am! I think I'm sad, but I'm not sure. I would say it is the weather, BUT last month the weather was nice and I got in this same mood... I am starting to think it is when I get a visit from Aunt Flo.
I was fine all day and then after the ft ball game I came home took a nap and woke up and BAM I was sad/depressed. But Aunt Flo has been here a few days so I don't get it why now?
The game was ok it was wet and drizzly... The last three minutes of the first game were even better a good friend arrived for the second game and sat with me and talked to me for a bit, that was nice.
I think part of the reason I am sad is that I missed my oldest daughters birthday lunch with her and some good friends and family... Even if there was no game I still wouldn't of been able to go, no $$$, David is so far behind on CS and I am so far behind on bills. I can't afford to do anything fun right now! All I could get Brittany for her b-day was a bag of Swedish fish (her favorite) BUT I feel so bad.
The kids are asking for this or that and all I can say is "I'm sorry!" Brian's school is nickel and diming me to death. It really sucks!
CS court wants to see David on Wed and I have to take a day off and lose money to go. Why doesn't he just pay?
Then there is just stupid stuff...
I just have to keep telling myself "this to shall pass!"

Good question

Ken wrote a comment in my last entry "What happend to old fashion courtship?"
What did happen to old fashion courtship? In quiring minds want to know?

Second Choice

So a few weeks ago this guy one day walks into the bank and asks Brittany if she knew of any single ladies... Brittany knowing the man well enough "says yeah my mom". They chit chat for a bit and Brittany says "she's seen you a few times at La P" He asks her "what does she think of me?" Brittany tells him " couldn't tell her much about you because you are a customer here!" So he gives her his number to give to me. Tells her to tell me to call him. Me being me ( don't like to make the first call) I call about a week later. We talk for a while, he calls a few nights later and we talk again for a while then it switched to texts only.... then 2 weeks ago he tells me he was sorry for leading me on BUT he was still hung up on his ex gf... So I don't hear from him for 2 weeks until today out of the blue I get one from him... asks me how I am and what I am doing... then the very next text he invites me to go to the beach next weekend with him... WH????? We never even went on a date , don't know him that well... I am tired of being passive and letting guys treat me like I am sitting around waiting for them, So I replied "what about your ex gf?" First time ever I spoke up. he replies that she is not an issue any more... BUT I also told him in so many words I was not comfortable going out of town with him I barely know him, that we should go on a date in town a few times. An over night date the first time?
I think he took it well and is ok with it, and said he would be ok with going on a few dates first. BUT now I guess it's a "we shall see!"
I don't want to be a back burner babe or second choice.

just quotes

wonders why is it that sometimes the hardest memories in your life are the ones that you want to forget but can't figure out how to?


isn't it ironic how the person who tends to make you the happiest is also the person who can make you feel the most miserable?

North east summer/fall weather

needs to make up it's mind AC on shorts on... AC off sweaters on... Then it's cold but I wear shorts thinking it's going to be hot NOPE... Next day I wear jeans and a sweater and it gets hot.... Make up your mind already would you! Now when I am done here AC is going back on, at least for the next 2 days cuz from what I hear itsgoing to be hot again, 90's.

Apparently

Some thinks I am his "a stand by will do in a pinch sort of girl"
UGH!!! I haven't heard from this guy since thursday since he backed out of a date for friday cuz he forgot he had plans, even though we texted about it a few times throughout the week.... I get a text that says HI nothing more...
WHT???? I didn't reply.... And I don't think I plan on it either, not today anyway... maybe in another day or 2?

Random Madness

Where do I start, have so many thoughts running through my head....

So many mixed emotions right now. I want to scream, I want to cry... I try to laugh to hide the pain, it's not working.

I feel like I am breaking inside (awesome song btw).

Last week I was under the impression I had 2 day care jobs, this week I find out they both fell through. Just when I think I am getting my head above water I sink even lower. I don't feel like I am ever going to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.

I guess it's time to hang up my hat with home day care and go get a job in the outside world. It's kinda of a scary thought to me since I have not worked out side the home since 1986 all I know is home day care... And I would miss the little one I watch now, he is like my own.

David not paying child support just makes it worse. I really hate him for doing this to his family! he claims he paid it BUT it's been 2 weeks since he said that and still nothing has showed up in my account! He won't even help out and buy the kids things they NEED NOT WANT! I never dreamed in a million years he would turn out to be such an ASS. We have a court hearing to go to on the 15th I have to take off and lose a days pay. I better get something from this. It pisses me off that he does this crap to his kids.


Then there is the MEN issue... Men just plain suck!!! I am not NO rebound girl, or a holla back girl, you know girl that is willing to be treated like a doormat or booty call. She is a girl that will allow guys to do whatever they want with her and will just wait for them to 'holla back' at them. Well that is NOT me,... OR a stand by will do in a pinch sort of girl. I am worth way much more then that.

So many things are bothering me right now. Most of which are small and trivial but none less weighing heavily on me right now!

Things are really bad right now and I could use the extra help but have to much pride to ask for the help. I know of a person who abuses the system and I don't understand how they can do that, I don't get it. I had to break last week and ask my mom for help I really hated doing that, but with David being an ass I had no other choice.
There is a food closet here in town... I do have some food but some of it needs other things in order to make it. My kids say there is nothing to eat... They just have to learn to make do with what is here for a few more days. I don't want to have to call the food closet , cuz I know there are other people in town way worse then us. I have called it 3 times in 9 years, the second time (it had been three yrs since my first call) the women said in a snotty voice "we don't do this all the time!" So I try not to call them. People who abuse the system make it hard on those who don't.

I am sure things will turn around ( for the better, I hope) here soon.

Brian spent a day or 2 at his dads not long ago and he came home saying how Fugly told him she plans on leaving David soon. HMMMM when she does can I tell him "Told you so!" can I please??? 9 yrs ago this month when his affair first came to light I told him she was only using him for his choke gag hahaha money and that she was going to bankrupt him and leave him, his reponse in his voice ( like ho hum) was "maybe she will." She IMO was just using him for a green card all she has to do is stay married to him for a few yrs then she can divorce him and still be able to stay in the U S especially since she has a kids now by him. BUT she told Brian she plans on leaving him in another 2 yrs because she really doesn't love him any more!!! WHO the hell tells kids this kind of crap??? They are messed up people they also told MY kids I cheated on him... WHF??? UMMM yeah right!!! He kept me bare foot and pregnant, and even though he said he wanted me to learn to drive he did everything he could to scare me from it. I was NEVER allowed to leave the house with out one or ALL the kids I always had to have them with me! Even on a moms night out I had to take the youngest with me, so much for a moms night out! OH they told the kids I did it while I big food shopped (once a month) YUP that's were I cheated behind the produce and got 2 full shopping carts full of food in an hour.
OMG who tells KIDS this crap!!! OH I know people who try to shift the blame! Well all I know is GOD and I know the truth and that is what matters.

And just because I wrote the above paragraph doesn't mean I am still hung up on the dude, it just means I am getting it off my chest.

THE EEJIT STRIKES AGAIN....

Can I scream? Sure why not, after all it's my blog... I can do and say whatever I want here and if you don't like it, see that little red x up in the right hand corner... use it.

Ok now what has me fit to be tied tonight...

Well Butthead is 4 months behind on child support. We have a court hearing coming up in 14 days. It's so madding though I hate that he won't pay up. He told me nine yrs ago " the kids would never go without" Well they have done nothing but gone without since he left! He is self employed so child support does not get taken out of his pay check, he is suppose to pay it out of the goodness of his heart... Oh wait what heart???

The other night, he swears he paid CS I said he didn't because it would be in my account by now if he paid it when he said he did. Then he tells me he left his 6 yr old mail it!!! WHT????? Is he sure she didn't mix the trash can up with the mail box?

Then he says "well if I could just give you the check myself!" I said "yeah and we all know how well that turned out 8 yrs ago, that's why I ended up taking your ass to court."

So Brian starts his new school tomorrow they want him to dress casual, because you never know when he could be whisked away for a job interview (a really new cool school he is going to). So he has to dress nice. He needed new everything. I asked David for 48 hours if he could take Brian clothes shopping. he kept saying I'll call ya back later, but with him later never comes. I call him back this morning, he tells me to have Bri call him back at 3, Brian calls him and what does he say? I'll call ya back...
So I call at four and this is what I get "Well I decided I will work out a deal with Brian, he HAS to work for his clothes!, He needs to learn to earn his way!" Oh MY FRIGGIN BBBEEEPPPPPP..... You asshole IF you would pay CS I wouldn't be asking you to take him shopping. I would be taking him!!! It's one thing to make him work for something he WANTS BUT for something he NEEDS and from his father who is suppose to MAN UP and take care of his kids!!!!
And he wonders why Brian is so up set with him... His dad has treated him like this since the day he left.

It just makes me so mad that he does this to Brian.

I had to break down and call my mom and ask her to help me with school shopping! I hate doing that. But their own father won't even step up and take responsibility.