Thursday, January 31, 2013

3 weeks ago today my sister passed away. Things are starting to settle down a bit, and things are sort of going back to normal,  what ever that is? It's been a rough start to 2013 , BUT hopefully things are turning around now.
My sister didn't have a will. I am now her administrator> I hope I will make her proud and take care of her things , bills trailer and other things the way she would want me to do.
I have the greatest man in my life who has stood by my side the whole time! I don't know that I would of made it through this without him. 

Saturday, January 12, 2013

My Sister the day before (1-9-2013)

Wed after noon when I went down to be by Susan's side I told her We were going to have a sleep over, She told me NO! I told her "OH yes we are and you can't  stop me!" And I told her we were going to play a game that we use to play at bed time as a child "I'm going to get the last word!"  She told me "I'm going to get the last word!" I let her have it.  She told me she liked my shirt several different times. "All the little circles on it" she would say as she made a circle in the air with her finger. I held her hand and "tickled" her arm when I stopped she would moan a little, if I left go of her hand she would reach for it. She told me her Dr told her she didn't have long to live. I told her that I knew, but that she wouldn't be in any more pain and That I loved her and that we would be together again someday. She closed her eyes and that was pretty much her last full senescent to me. 

Friday, January 11, 2013


Yesterday morning at this exact time the nurse came in to take my sisters vitals, I had been up most of the night . The nurse looked at me and asked me if there was someone that can be with me, that my sisters time was close (less than 24 hrs). Charles  called Brittany , she was at work her co-worker told her to GO! She got Brian  and went to the school to get Brent and Bethany also. We were all by her side, all talking , Susan wasn't, BUT I was sharing child hood stories with the kids we were all laughing, I held Susan hand and rubbed her arm. Susan had 2 visitors Denise and her mom around 1pm. At 2pm I put General Hospital on she loved that show. I closed my eyes for only about 5 minutes and opened them and she was gone... Brian said "MOM" (3:01) , he went and got a nurse. She listened for a heart beat and then said "SORRY" (3:08) , my phone rang at that very minute it was my mom. I couldn't answer the phone, I couldn't tell her. My friend Becky showed up at the moment also. Brittany thinks Susan was waiting for me to close my eyes so she could pass without me seeing it.
Our mom called earlier that morning and I put the phone to Susan's ear and our mom said "I LOVE YOU SUSAN" and Susan made a few sounds back to her on the phone.
I am holding/hugging the teddy bear that she held in her hospital bed as I type this with tears streaming down my face.. Thank you for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

JUNE 25, 1965-JANUARY 10,2013

Monday, January 7, 2013

So Brian's step mom called me to let me know what was going to happen. They are going to give him another 3 days. They are going to let him work with his dad at the airport/hanger and go from there. In three days if he is still clean they will give him another 3 days. He will still have to job hunt while working with his dad.  IF he goes back to getting high they are going to take him to the homeless shelter.  Well it's about time they are stepping up! I've been doing this single parent thing alone even when I was married to his dad I felt like I was a single parent. So if Brian sees that we are working together this just might work! 

Saturday, January 5, 2013

WOW... Maybe this might work?

Brian came home this morning. His step mom brought him over to get more clothes. So while he was gathering his stuff he needed her and I actually had a decent chat ( I really thought I hated that women for wrecking my family). BUT her and I actually spoke nicely to each other and she totally agrees with what I did. I told her I tried calling Brian's dad on Tuesday for help told her he told me he would call me back but never did. She said "that surprises you?"  I told her how every time I need help with the kids he is never there for me. She said she knew and was always after him about that.  She sees the favoritism too and doesn't like it, she said his parents do the same thing so he learned what he lived. 
At first I wasn't going to talk to her but then I decided to and I am glad I did. 
I told her I don't know what Brian told you but there are 2 sides to every story and here is mine....
When I was done telling her she said she agreed with what I did. That I did the right thing.
She told me he can stay there 3 days then he has to find some where else to go. 
While he is there though he has to look for a job.  I told her I was trying to make him look for one but he seems to think I am one big joke. 

So I am thinking maybe it is time to bury the axe with her and band together and help Brian even if his own dad won't. 

Friday, January 4, 2013


I was hoping that Brian would have checked himself back into rehab, BUT NOPE someone spotted him in the town were 8 out of 10 of his pot head friends live! He was with some other person both carrying bags. as they passed them they saw a cop (they were going opposite ways) She was going out of the town as Brian was heading towards it and a cop was going Brian's direction, she could see in her mirror that his lights went on. Its a dangerous road to be walking on, so whether or not he did it for safety or actually stop them she doesn't know. As for his dad he still has not called me back. I called him Tuesday told him what was going on and that he had to take him in or he would be homeless. He told me he would call me write back but that is his famous line. "I'll call you right back" or "we will talk about it later" With him they never happen. It breaks my heart that he does this. And it breaks my heart that I had to do with with Brian, he just was not getting it and hurting me so bad, deprecating me. He has 2 younger siblings here and his brother is not happy with his brother choices he has made.

Thursday, January 3, 2013


Not how I expected to start the New Year off. I don't even really know where to start. I feel as if my life is spinning out of control.I haven't written in a while and every time I do get back to do I post I say I am going to post more often life gets in the way. My income/job sucks. Some days I don't know where tomorrows meal is coming from. The ex is 2 months behind in child support. My heater broke at Christmas time. Everything hit me all at once. My sister (47) has been diagnosis with advance cancer, it started out as breast cancer but has spread to her brain. She had been out of work for 2 yrs and didn't have insurance and didn't go to the Dr's until she could no longer take the pain, she walked into the ER and the nurse pretty much knew what was wrong with one look. She started her first chemo the Thursday before Christmas had another Christmas eve day and another the Thursday after One this past Monday and now tonight she called me from her hospital room and she is back in the hospital. She was having trouble peeing she couldn't so they wanted her in STAT... her red blood cells were low and her potassium was low too. her immune system is down also. Brian my 19 yr old as some of you may know has been in and out of rehab after rehab, 4 to be exact. Once for 111 days... I was so proud of him when he got out. Thought he was on the right track... Not even a month out and he relapsed. He blamed it on me! Says I yell to much! I didn't yell at him the whole time! I was even planning a surprise part for his 18th b-day and his 111 days clean! He went back into another rehab, clean again and home not even another month and back into another. He lost a "friend" to drugs, I thought that was going to wake him up! BUT nope it didn't. He was in his 4th one in June of 2012 and kicked out in Oct because he wouldn't join in the group. He was suppose to go to a recovery house after that BUT since he didn't complete the program they kicked him out. When he came home here I laid the rules down NO DRUGS. Do NOT come home stoned. He broke the rule with in a month of being home again and from Oct till today has only put one job application out. He seems to think the world owes him. He blames me on everything , it's all my fault that he does what he does. His dad is of no help. I called him yesterday afternoon and asked him if he had room for Brian because if he didn't he was going to be homeless. He told me he would call me back. It's been over 24 hrs since he said that. This morning when Brian woke up I told him he had to leave. He said OK and left quietly, as I watched him walk away I told him I loved him and that I hope he gets his life straight. People tell me he has to hit rock bottom first. and that I did the right thing. Then why do I feel so bad?