Thursday, January 3, 2013

2013

Not how I expected to start the New Year off. I don't even really know where to start. I feel as if my life is spinning out of control.I haven't written in a while and every time I do get back to do I post I say I am going to post more often life gets in the way. My income/job sucks. Some days I don't know where tomorrows meal is coming from. The ex is 2 months behind in child support. My heater broke at Christmas time. Everything hit me all at once. My sister (47) has been diagnosis with advance cancer, it started out as breast cancer but has spread to her brain. She had been out of work for 2 yrs and didn't have insurance and didn't go to the Dr's until she could no longer take the pain, she walked into the ER and the nurse pretty much knew what was wrong with one look. She started her first chemo the Thursday before Christmas had another Christmas eve day and another the Thursday after One this past Monday and now tonight she called me from her hospital room and she is back in the hospital. She was having trouble peeing she couldn't so they wanted her in STAT... her red blood cells were low and her potassium was low too. her immune system is down also. Brian my 19 yr old as some of you may know has been in and out of rehab after rehab, 4 to be exact. Once for 111 days... I was so proud of him when he got out. Thought he was on the right track... Not even a month out and he relapsed. He blamed it on me! Says I yell to much! I didn't yell at him the whole time! I was even planning a surprise part for his 18th b-day and his 111 days clean! He went back into another rehab, clean again and home not even another month and back into another. He lost a "friend" to drugs, I thought that was going to wake him up! BUT nope it didn't. He was in his 4th one in June of 2012 and kicked out in Oct because he wouldn't join in the group. He was suppose to go to a recovery house after that BUT since he didn't complete the program they kicked him out. When he came home here I laid the rules down NO DRUGS. Do NOT come home stoned. He broke the rule with in a month of being home again and from Oct till today has only put one job application out. He seems to think the world owes him. He blames me on everything , it's all my fault that he does what he does. His dad is of no help. I called him yesterday afternoon and asked him if he had room for Brian because if he didn't he was going to be homeless. He told me he would call me back. It's been over 24 hrs since he said that. This morning when Brian woke up I told him he had to leave. He said OK and left quietly, as I watched him walk away I told him I loved him and that I hope he gets his life straight. People tell me he has to hit rock bottom first. and that I did the right thing. Then why do I feel so bad?

6 comments:

Donna said...

You did the right thing. Yes, it hurts.

ADB said...

You're going through a hellish time, Sharon. But you did the right thing by Brian.

Nelishia said...

That had to be so hard and nobody but someone who's been there knows the amount of strength that took. If he doesn't want to turn around he won't. Using rehab's for a place to crash becomes old after awhile. Sharon, you did the right thing and I support you for it. If you pm me on FB, I can give a free place to go but he has to do the calling every day to keep his name on the list and they sometimes help with bus fair to get there. It's in NC and it's for 90 days. I know this hurts. Hugs and support.

Sarah said...

We've had the same problem with our son, him taking drugs and dealing. Hes been in and out of prison several times. Hes tried blackmail with us and extortion, threats to kill us and has tried to get my hubby nicked by going to authorities. Blamed us for his bad life and wants us dead. Accused us of doing wrong against him which is a pack of lies even now we are hearing back talk from various people. We had an injunction put on him which ran out 19/12/12. We haven't heard from him as yet, but expecting something to happen. It became a complete nightmare and hubby and I felt so sown and i personally wished i was dead as i couldn't stand it any longer. Now we feel more at ease in ourselves, but as i said we expect something to happen....I understand you completely and i agree you have done the right thing. Best Wishes

Malagutigrrl said...

Oh, darlin'... You DID do the right thing. The reason you feel so bad is because he's your son. You love him and want him to be well and as his mom you feel it's your place to "fix" him. But this is one of those things that a mom can't fix. Nobody can fix him but HIM. And yes, he has to hit rock bottom before he turns around. Taking away the security of not having a roof over his head is just the first step of that (don't forget he's at that age where we all were once...when we all thought we were invincible and always right about everything).
My oldest niece (who is in her late 30s now) had a horrible problem with Heroin for years and years and years. In and out of rehab. In and out of jail. Living in flop houses or on the street in winter with only the same summer clothes she had on her back when she left home that last time in August. NOW? She's married. Has 4 kids, and makes a great living as an RN. She's one of the most responsible people in the family now (both financially and otherwise). My mom was furious with my sister when she found out that not only was she not living at home but that my sister had NO IDEA WHERE SHE WAS one Christmas when she wasn't present at the family gathering. But that was what it took. It took my sister throwing her out and not letting her come home until she left all of that behind her (she had 3 other kids to worry about in the house). She did meet up with her to take her food on the rare occasions Karen called her. And when Karen was ready for rehab (again and again) she would meet her and help her fill out the paperwork and pay for the treatment until finally it took. Karen was looking at a very long jail sentence for grand theft auto when she finally looked at herself in the mirror and saw herself as she really was. It was a horrible time for my sister. Karen really doesn't remember large chunks of it so believe me when I say that this could just be the beginning of another long bought of heart brokenness... but never lose faith. Karen's been clean now for 20 years. And she's done us all proud. So hang in there.
I will light candles for your sister and keep them lit until she is out of the woods. Don't give up on her either no matter what the doctors say. I've seen people come back from the edge of the Big C more times than I can count.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Love and hugs,
MJ

Rose said...

I blamed my ex for everything...when I got tired of blaming him I got a new ex and blamed him. Your son is an adult and what he is doing is slowly killing you. You do NOT deserve to be blamed for his addiction. Stay strong hon you have enough to deal with, hang in there. Have u tried treatment for yourself? Xo