Thursday, January 3, 2013
Not how I expected to start the New Year off. I don't even really know where to start. I feel as if my life is spinning out of control.I haven't written in a while and every time I do get back to do I post I say I am going to post more often life gets in the way. My income/job sucks. Some days I don't know where tomorrows meal is coming from. The ex is 2 months behind in child support. My heater broke at Christmas time. Everything hit me all at once. My sister (47) has been diagnosis with advance cancer, it started out as breast cancer but has spread to her brain. She had been out of work for 2 yrs and didn't have insurance and didn't go to the Dr's until she could no longer take the pain, she walked into the ER and the nurse pretty much knew what was wrong with one look. She started her first chemo the Thursday before Christmas had another Christmas eve day and another the Thursday after One this past Monday and now tonight she called me from her hospital room and she is back in the hospital. She was having trouble peeing she couldn't so they wanted her in STAT... her red blood cells were low and her potassium was low too. her immune system is down also. Brian my 19 yr old as some of you may know has been in and out of rehab after rehab, 4 to be exact. Once for 111 days... I was so proud of him when he got out. Thought he was on the right track... Not even a month out and he relapsed. He blamed it on me! Says I yell to much! I didn't yell at him the whole time! I was even planning a surprise part for his 18th b-day and his 111 days clean! He went back into another rehab, clean again and home not even another month and back into another. He lost a "friend" to drugs, I thought that was going to wake him up! BUT nope it didn't. He was in his 4th one in June of 2012 and kicked out in Oct because he wouldn't join in the group. He was suppose to go to a recovery house after that BUT since he didn't complete the program they kicked him out. When he came home here I laid the rules down NO DRUGS. Do NOT come home stoned. He broke the rule with in a month of being home again and from Oct till today has only put one job application out. He seems to think the world owes him. He blames me on everything , it's all my fault that he does what he does. His dad is of no help. I called him yesterday afternoon and asked him if he had room for Brian because if he didn't he was going to be homeless. He told me he would call me back. It's been over 24 hrs since he said that. This morning when Brian woke up I told him he had to leave. He said OK and left quietly, as I watched him walk away I told him I loved him and that I hope he gets his life straight. People tell me he has to hit rock bottom first. and that I did the right thing. Then why do I feel so bad?