New Year... Trying this again...

I use to love to blog... BUT ever since AOL got rid of J-land it has never been the same.
Also the last few yrs have kept me pretty busy. And in all honesty I have just been a bit lazy.

maybe I will post every day maybe I won't

maybe I will post my shenanigans... or maybe I will just post  deep meaning quotes.


"Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious." 

I just want to blog..but...

I don't know what I want to blog about...
So much on my mind... it's all jumbled. I don't know where I want to start...

New Year New Chapter

Happy New Year !
Going to Try and blog more!  I know I say that a lot. But I figured it's a new year and it's still Jan why not start off fresh. 
A lot has happened this past yr.  But I will try not to dwell on it. It doesn't do any good anyway. 

Cry

Did you ever have one of those days you just want to cry?  
I am having one of those weeks! Nothings seems to be going right. I feel like I am at the end of my rope and I can't hold on anymore. Everyone tells me I am a strong women to have gone through all that I have. But I don't feel strong. I put up a good front. BUT inside I feel like I am losing it. I want to scream till I have no more voice. I want to cry out loud; but all I ever do is cry silently on the inside. There are nights I prayer that tonight's the night the Lord takes me back. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know how much I can do this anymore. I hate feeling this way. 

I'm Stuck

I am stuck. Stuck between what I want to do and what I should be doing. Stuck between a place of wanting to stop and having to carry on. Stuck between knowing and not knowing. Stuck between money and love, money and creativity, money and the future. Just stuck.
I just feel like giving up. It sucks.
I hate this feeling

You Will never know

It's easy to Delete a number, Ignore a call or Unfriend someone But... Moving on and erasing that person from your heart seems very difficult... A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only knows your smile! PAIN makes you STRONGER. FEAR makes you BRAVER. HEARTBREAK makes you WISER. It's so strange how quickly things change, and the person you're closest to seems like the person you don’t know anymore. Some Songs Can Make You Cry When You Hear Them, But Actually It Isn't The songs, It's The People Behind The Memories..... Our small,stupid conversations mean more to me than you'll ever know. Missing someone when you are alone is not affection BUT Thinking of someone even when you are busy is called real connection. "Respect The Feelings Of People, Who Touched your Heart Because, you Will Never Know When They Will Just Walk Out Of your Life And Never Come Back".

Blogging

It's been over 2 yrs since my last entry... But I am going to try to pick it back up and do a little writing each night, even if it is just a quote I like...  

believe in yourself and do what is best for you.

Over this past week I have learned an extremely important lesson. You can’t always keep everyone happy, in fact this can prove to be impossible! Sometimes you have to do what makes you happy, even if it doesn’t make you so popular with the people around you. You can’t let people alter your relationships with people you love ether. If you love someone and being with them makes you happy, other people shouldn’t be allowed to change that. Yes, you can listen to people’s opinions but don’t let their opinions ruin things for you. I almost made this mistake this week. Things that someone said to me kept going through my mind… I had to sit back and just think of me for a change, What made me happy. I never want to disappoint anyone so doing this was a little bit challenging. I thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that people who love me will support me no matter what and at the same time I can love them all back in return. And sometimes it is possible for someone you love to be wrong, They can stress as much as they like about being right, but if you know in your heart that they are wrong, then you need to believe in yourself and do what is best for you.

Pennies From Heaven...

I found 2 pennies yesterday...  Was thinking of my sister a lot yesterday too....  I miss her so much! SO hard to believe she been gone almost a month already! :(

Today I found a penny, 
Just laying on the ground. 
But it's not just a penny, 
This little coin I've found. 
Found pennies come from heaven. 
That's what my Grandpa told me. 
He said Angels toss them down. 
Oh, how I loved that story. 
He said when an Angel misses you, 
They toss a penny down, 
Sometimes just to cheer you up, 
To make a smile out of your frown. 
So don't pass by that penny 
When you're feeling blue; 
It may be a Penny from Heaven 
That an Angel's tossed to you. 
Pass this on to the people who you care 
about and who you feel that are angels to you. 
An angel is now watching over you.

3 weeks ago today my sister passed away. Things are starting to settle down a bit, and things are sort of going back to normal,  what ever that is? It's been a rough start to 2013 , BUT hopefully things are turning around now.
My sister didn't have a will. I am now her administrator> I hope I will make her proud and take care of her things , bills trailer and other things the way she would want me to do.
I have the greatest man in my life who has stood by my side the whole time! I don't know that I would of made it through this without him. 

My Sister the day before (1-9-2013)

Wed after noon when I went down to be by Susan's side I told her We were going to have a sleep over, She told me NO! I told her "OH yes we are and you can't  stop me!" And I told her we were going to play a game that we use to play at bed time as a child "I'm going to get the last word!"  She told me "I'm going to get the last word!" I let her have it.  She told me she liked my shirt several different times. "All the little circles on it" she would say as she made a circle in the air with her finger. I held her hand and "tickled" her arm when I stopped she would moan a little, if I left go of her hand she would reach for it. She told me her Dr told her she didn't have long to live. I told her that I knew, but that she wouldn't be in any more pain and That I loved her and that we would be together again someday. She closed her eyes and that was pretty much her last full senescent to me. 

IN MEMORY OF MY LOVING SISTER

Yesterday morning at this exact time the nurse came in to take my sisters vitals, I had been up most of the night . The nurse looked at me and asked me if there was someone that can be with me, that my sisters time was close (less than 24 hrs). Charles  called Brittany , she was at work her co-worker told her to GO! She got Brian  and went to the school to get Brent and Bethany also. We were all by her side, all talking , Susan wasn't, BUT I was sharing child hood stories with the kids we were all laughing, I held Susan hand and rubbed her arm. Susan had 2 visitors Denise and her mom around 1pm. At 2pm I put General Hospital on she loved that show. I closed my eyes for only about 5 minutes and opened them and she was gone... Brian said "MOM" (3:01) , he went and got a nurse. She listened for a heart beat and then said "SORRY" (3:08) , my phone rang at that very minute it was my mom. I couldn't answer the phone, I couldn't tell her. My friend Becky showed up at the moment also. Brittany thinks Susan was waiting for me to close my eyes so she could pass without me seeing it.
Our mom called earlier that morning and I put the phone to Susan's ear and our mom said "I LOVE YOU SUSAN" and Susan made a few sounds back to her on the phone.
I am holding/hugging the teddy bear that she held in her hospital bed as I type this with tears streaming down my face.. Thank you for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.


JUNE 25, 1965-JANUARY 10,2013

So Brian's step mom called me to let me know what was going to happen. They are going to give him another 3 days. They are going to let him work with his dad at the airport/hanger and go from there. In three days if he is still clean they will give him another 3 days. He will still have to job hunt while working with his dad.  IF he goes back to getting high they are going to take him to the homeless shelter.  Well it's about time they are stepping up! I've been doing this single parent thing alone even when I was married to his dad I felt like I was a single parent. So if Brian sees that we are working together this just might work! 

WOW... Maybe this might work?

Brian came home this morning. His step mom brought him over to get more clothes. So while he was gathering his stuff he needed her and I actually had a decent chat ( I really thought I hated that women for wrecking my family). BUT her and I actually spoke nicely to each other and she totally agrees with what I did. I told her I tried calling Brian's dad on Tuesday for help told her he told me he would call me back but never did. She said "that surprises you?"  I told her how every time I need help with the kids he is never there for me. She said she knew and was always after him about that.  She sees the favoritism too and doesn't like it, she said his parents do the same thing so he learned what he lived. 

At first I wasn't going to talk to her but then I decided to and I am glad I did. 

I told her I don't know what Brian told you but there are 2 sides to every story and here is mine....

When I was done telling her she said she agreed with what I did. That I did the right thing.

She told me he can stay there 3 days then he has to find some where else to go. 

While he is there though he has to look for a job.  I told her I was trying to make him look for one but he seems to think I am one big joke. 

So I am thinking maybe it is time to bury the axe with her and band together and help Brian even if his own dad won't. 

Hoping

I was hoping that Brian would have checked himself back into rehab, BUT NOPE someone spotted him in the town were 8 out of 10 of his pot head friends live! He was with some other person both carrying bags. as they passed them they saw a cop (they were going opposite ways) She was going out of the town as Brian was heading towards it and a cop was going Brian's direction, she could see in her mirror that his lights went on. Its a dangerous road to be walking on, so whether or not he did it for safety or actually stop them she doesn't know. As for his dad he still has not called me back. I called him Tuesday told him what was going on and that he had to take him in or he would be homeless. He told me he would call me write back but that is his famous line. "I'll call you right back" or "we will talk about it later" With him they never happen. It breaks my heart that he does this. And it breaks my heart that I had to do with with Brian, he just was not getting it and hurting me so bad, deprecating me. He has 2 younger siblings here and his brother is not happy with his brother choices he has made.

2013

Not how I expected to start the New Year off. I don't even really know where to start. I feel as if my life is spinning out of control.I haven't written in a while and every time I do get back to do I post I say I am going to post more often life gets in the way. My income/job sucks. Some days I don't know where tomorrows meal is coming from. The ex is 2 months behind in child support. My heater broke at Christmas time. Everything hit me all at once. My sister (47) has been diagnosis with advance cancer, it started out as breast cancer but has spread to her brain. She had been out of work for 2 yrs and didn't have insurance and didn't go to the Dr's until she could no longer take the pain, she walked into the ER and the nurse pretty much knew what was wrong with one look. She started her first chemo the Thursday before Christmas had another Christmas eve day and another the Thursday after One this past Monday and now tonight she called me from her hospital room and she is back in the hospital. She was having trouble peeing she couldn't so they wanted her in STAT... her red blood cells were low and her potassium was low too. her immune system is down also. Brian my 19 yr old as some of you may know has been in and out of rehab after rehab, 4 to be exact. Once for 111 days... I was so proud of him when he got out. Thought he was on the right track... Not even a month out and he relapsed. He blamed it on me! Says I yell to much! I didn't yell at him the whole time! I was even planning a surprise part for his 18th b-day and his 111 days clean! He went back into another rehab, clean again and home not even another month and back into another. He lost a "friend" to drugs, I thought that was going to wake him up! BUT nope it didn't. He was in his 4th one in June of 2012 and kicked out in Oct because he wouldn't join in the group. He was suppose to go to a recovery house after that BUT since he didn't complete the program they kicked him out. When he came home here I laid the rules down NO DRUGS. Do NOT come home stoned. He broke the rule with in a month of being home again and from Oct till today has only put one job application out. He seems to think the world owes him. He blames me on everything , it's all my fault that he does what he does. His dad is of no help. I called him yesterday afternoon and asked him if he had room for Brian because if he didn't he was going to be homeless. He told me he would call me back. It's been over 24 hrs since he said that. This morning when Brian woke up I told him he had to leave. He said OK and left quietly, as I watched him walk away I told him I loved him and that I hope he gets his life straight. People tell me he has to hit rock bottom first. and that I did the right thing. Then why do I feel so bad?

Quote of the day...

"Surround yourself with people who know your worth. You don't need too many people to be happy, just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are!"

bad blogger... trying to catch up!

I know I have become a bad blogger... I end  en tires with to be continued..., but then leave my readers hanging!

Where to being? or is where to pick back up?

I guess maybe where I left off? 

Brian spent 111 days in rehab. The first 2 weeks home he was doing Great.. Then he got some money and hooked up with his "old" friends and found himself relapsing. He is currently back in rehab and has been there 2 weeks... he is suppose to do 28 days. Not sure what 28 days will do, if 111 days didn't work? His one counselor says a recovery house after this, but Brian says NO way! Plus Brian says it cost? Not sure insurance will cover that! The day Brian left for rehab this second time, the morning of a place of employment had called and offered him a job, he had to decline.

I know drug addiction is a  disease, but I just wish I understood it better.

His stepmother is of no help, but what's new with that? 11 yrs now and she is still not the sharpest tac in the box. Brian also suffers from ADHD, Major depressive disorder (MDD) anxiety and one thinks bi-polar. Brian was on medicines for that, But Fugly told him to stop taking those medicines that he does not need them. And that is when I think he "slipped!"  Brian and I got into it at one point about his addiction and other things! He tells me "You don't know a thing about addicts and addiction!"  I said "Your right Brian I don't! BUT I understand depression, and bi-polar and anxiety!" as I was raised in a house with parents who both suffered from it. I told him he needs to stay on the medicines that the Dr has prescribed for him and to stay off the street drugs. Had he stayed on the medicines the Dr wants him on perhaps he wouldn't of relapsed? But what do I know? I am just his mom?

Now Brian is due to come back home on April 14th. We shall see, I hope this time he got it.... BUT

One day at a time, right? 

INK... double infinity.

This is going to be my next tattoo!!!

Most of infinity tattoos have to do with love being everlasting. But I think I got intrigued by the double infinity tattoo because, I needed to remind myself that forever is a long time. But pain isn’t forever, so I should be stronger. Plus, forever requires a great amount of effort to see through. So before someone tells me “we would be together forever” I would just tell them, remember about double infinity. 

My head is spinning

I was going to write so much more about Charlie... But so much more has happened since I last posted. I should of wrote the very next day while the thoughts were still fresh in my head, before my world turned up side down. Things are still great with Charlie and I. I can't believe he is still standing by me with all that is going on. I thought he would of been gone long ago. I never met such a strong devoted man in my life.
As a lot of my followers that have been with me since the AOL days know that my ex husband father of my 4 kids has never been a hands on dad. Charlie has been here for my kids more in the last ten months then the ex has been in the last 10yrs.
I am so over whelmed. So many people tell me I am strong, there are many days I don't feel strong at all. Sometimes I wonder if the ex would of been more of a hands on dad would Brian be where he is today? Should of could of would of no scene in wondering all that now, Time to concentrate on the here and now and do what I've done all on my own for the last 10 yrs without the help of their dad, and that is getting Brian better. BUT Brian needs to want it too. 
Over the summer Brian met some new friends, wrong crowd kinda of friends. Even though he is 18 and these friends are 15, and 16. Brian doesn't always act and think like a 18 yr old. He caves easily to peer pressure and wants everyone to like him. If they tell him to jump he says HOW HIGH...  He would give them the shirt off his back! He gives them all is money when ever he gets any! They know he has money and they ask him for it. He thinks if he says NO his friends won't like him.  Well him and his friends started experimenting with pot. Then come to find out it went from there to K2!!!   WHAT???  I never heard of K2 in my life... K2 is also known as "fake weed" "spice" or "incense" 
Then I hear on the news that they made this stuff illegal, there were ingredients in it that put it in the category of heroin! How scary is that? And the things this stuff can do to a person smoking it. you don't know what your getting in K2, Why on earth would anyone take the chance of experiencing hallucinations, severe agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, vomiting and, in some cases, tremors and seizures. I tried getting through to Brian how bad the stuff is for a person. Even told him one guy died smoking this stuff from one that was laced rat poison. Brian says that's because he smoked home made stuff!  HELLO it's not like it is a box of cereal and made in a factory, this K2 stuff is homemade! They took the illegal ingredients out of the K2 to make it legal again,   The specific compounds prohibited under the new DEA ban are: JWH-018, JWH-073, JWH-200, CP-47,497, and cannabicyclohexanol.
He disappeared 2 days last week showing up at other peoples homes telling them I kicked him out of the house!  I told him even though he is 18 he is living in my home he has to live by my rules. So he snuck out jumped the back fence and snuck off like a 14 yr old instead of walking out the front door. The second night he was at this persons house he was caught by this persons parents smoking this stuff and he was asked to leave. He doesn't remember this. He spent his whole pay check on K2 and a bowl to smoke it in.  He got hungry and cold and came back Sunday night for warm food and a warm bed and a hot shower. 
He called his one therapist Sunday night and asked for help!!!
Brian is now in a habilitation program, gone for at least ?? days , not sure yet as there is no contact for the first 7 days.
When I was telling some friends about this k2 stuff I was surprised as to how many parents with kids my kids age never heard of this stuff. Parents please educate yourself on this stuff.... I am adding a link(s)... I hope you take the time to read it.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100303092405.htm
  


and then there is the other stuff called  
bath salts


http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/bath-salts-drug-dangers










Well think I will stop here for now...


PS: Parents need to be aware. Some stores like mini marts who are not ran by Americans sell this to our minors!! They do not card. Even though Brian is 18 where he bought his stuff I have recently found out the owner of this shop does not card when people come in to buy tobacco products of any type... They don't care who they sell too they just want to make a quick buck!