I'm A Survivor Part II

My head is spinning

2011-10-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

I was going to write so much more about Charlie... But so much more has happened since I last posted. I should of wrote the very next day while the thoughts were still fresh in my head, before my world turned up side down. Things are still great with Charlie and I. I can't believe he is still standing by me with all that is going on. I thought he would of been gone long ago. I never met such a strong devoted man in my life.
As a lot of my followers that have been with me since the AOL days know that my ex husband father of my 4 kids has never been a hands on dad. Charlie has been here for my kids more in the last ten months then the ex has been in the last 10yrs.
I am so over whelmed. So many people tell me I am strong, there are many days I don't feel strong at all. Sometimes I wonder if the ex would of been more of a hands on dad would Brian be where he is today? Should of could of would of no scene in wondering all that now, Time to concentrate on the here and now and do what I've done all on my own for the last 10 yrs without the help of their dad, and that is getting Brian better. BUT Brian needs to want it too.
Over the summer Brian met some new friends, wrong crowd kinda of friends. Even though he is 18 and these friends are 15, and 16. Brian doesn't always act and think like a 18 yr old. He caves easily to peer pressure and wants everyone to like him. If they tell him to jump he says HOW HIGH... He would give them the shirt off his back! He gives them all is money when ever he gets any! They know he has money and they ask him for it. He thinks if he says NO his friends won't like him. Well him and his friends started experimenting with pot. Then come to find out it went from there to K2!!! WHAT??? I never heard of K2 in my life... K2 is also known as "fake weed" "spice" or "incense"
Then I hear on the news that they made this stuff illegal, there were ingredients in it that put it in the category of heroin! How scary is that? And the things this stuff can do to a person smoking it. you don't know what your getting in K2, Why on earth would anyone take the chance of experiencing hallucinations, severe agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, vomiting and, in some cases, tremors and seizures. I tried getting through to Brian how bad the stuff is for a person. Even told him one guy died smoking this stuff from one that was laced rat poison. Brian says that's because he smoked home made stuff! HELLO it's not like it is a box of cereal and made in a factory, this K2 stuff is homemade! They took the illegal ingredients out of the K2 to make it legal again, The specific compounds prohibited under the new DEA ban are: JWH-018, JWH-073, JWH-200, CP-47,497, and cannabicyclohexanol.
He disappeared 2 days last week showing up at other peoples homes telling them I kicked him out of the house! I told him even though he is 18 he is living in my home he has to live by my rules. So he snuck out jumped the back fence and snuck off like a 14 yr old instead of walking out the front door. The second night he was at this persons house he was caught by this persons parents smoking this stuff and he was asked to leave. He doesn't remember this. He spent his whole pay check on K2 and a bowl to smoke it in. He got hungry and cold and came back Sunday night for warm food and a warm bed and a hot shower.
He called his one therapist Sunday night and asked for help!!!
Brian is now in a habilitation program, gone for at least ?? days , not sure yet as there is no contact for the first 7 days.
When I was telling some friends about this k2 stuff I was surprised as to how many parents with kids my kids age never heard of this stuff. Parents please educate yourself on this stuff.... I am adding a link(s)... I hope you take the time to read it.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100303092405.htm

and then there is the other stuff called
bath salts

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/bath-salts-drug-dangers

Well think I will stop here for now...

PS: Parents need to be aware. Some stores like mini marts who are not ran by Americans sell this to our minors!! They do not card. Even though Brian is 18 where he bought his stuff I have recently found out the owner of this shop does not card when people come in to buy tobacco products of any type... They don't care who they sell too they just want to make a quick buck!

I miss blogging

2011-09-26T17:04:00.000-07:00

I miss blogging, but then again I miss JLAND... I don't blog like I use to... I really should try and get back into it.. Last time I blogged was in Nov and it really was not a personal blog it was a copy and paste...

I don't even know where to start...
A lot of things have gone on since then.... Mr Maybe, became Mr NO WAY real quick...

and probably for good reason 2 weeks after that I met the most wonderful guy ever (Charlie)! Was invited to a dinner at a friends house. Her bf at the time invited his friend... He wasn't really going to go, he was giving up on love, he asked my friend's bf if there would be any single women there... He said yeah... Well looking back Charlie and I think that maybe they originally had my friends other friend in mind to hook him up with not me, neither one of them saw that (us)... hee-hee... any hoo after dinner we sat down in her living room to play apples to apples.. she had plenty of room on her second couch but I decided I was going to flirt without making it look obvious so I walked over and sat down in between Charlie and I think the other friend... LOL as he needed a new card every time he discarded I would hand him one brushing my hand with his... he later confessed he could reach them put liked it...
the night ended and we parted ways... but then he started texting my friend asking her questions about me and I would tell her and she would tell him .. then he just asked her to ask me for my number and I said yes and he called me... my water heater had broke around that time too and I had a leak in my basement it wasn't my year... I mentioned my water heater at the dinner and now he wanted to come over as a friend and see he he could help me with it... he fixed it of course... and a few great friends from back home helped with the leak in the pipes in the basement...
Dec 20 2010 we decided to make it official we were a couple... after about 3 weeks of being friends... We spent New years eve together and have been together ever since... 9 months on the 20th of Sept...

to be continued...

It isn't slander if it's the truth

2010-12-17T05:07:00.000-08:00

David owes close to 6 grand in CS he lost is passport they won't let him have it back and he claims he needs it for work... Well if he needs it he should pay his CS.

UPDATE: he called me earlier this week and says him and domestics came up with this idea and if I would go along with it he can have his pp back...

So here was the "deal" he would pay D R his normal CS amount plus give me an extra 500 a month cash straight... I told him NO, he said he needed his PP for work my answer PAY YOUR CS... so he was BUT I am going to pay that plus 500 in cash! I told him I didn't trust him just pay your CS... WELL he keeps calling here saying, in voice mails , call me we need to discus my PP.... So I called domestics and asked/told them what he told me of what "they" came up with. She said NO we didn't we can't do that we are just the middle man.... Here he wants me to "forgive him" for the 5 grand he owes me and start clean!!! my answer???? NO WAY IN HELL... These are his kids too. I asked her also IF we were to bring in a signed note with my signature would they call me and make sure it is legit... I told them because he has forged my signature before. He just thinks he is above it all. His Godly complex is worse than Tom Cruise's

BUT now he is calling here and his trying to bully me , in his sweet talking ways to go along with HIS deal... I told him I didn't trust him and asked him if "DO you blame me?, we tried CS between ourselves the first yr, he stopped and that's why we ended up at domestics relations ( he doesn't remember that) ... BUT now he is trying to strong arm me into doing it his so he can have his way!!! NOPE he wants his PP I want my CS . HE wants his cake and eat it too and the kids suffer again in the end. It's all about him!BUT he isn't getting his way. He just needs to call his mommy and daddy and say "look I am a dead beat I screwed up I owe 6 grand in support to get my pp back, can I have a loan?" his parents think their son is the greatest dad... they don't have a clue!
I just got my number changed so I didn't have to screen my calls and now because of him I have to screen them again.

The *ITCH is back

2010-12-13T09:33:00.000-08:00

So David calls this morning and asks What is Brian's problem I tell him YOU (apparently Bri has rejected his calls and removed him from his fb pg), he says Y... I tell him because of the way you treat him, he says what do you mean? I tell him about the reports cards.. He says he was away, I tell him he gave Boo and Little B their money right away, he should of given Bri his the same night, Then he says something stupid like he always does (excuses) and I tell him he has been treating Bri like that forever, all I get is an "OH" not an I am in shock OH, oh as in "so and what's your point oh!"... He just doesn't get it...

Then he starts in with how he tried to renew his passport, I said "pay child support then!" he says "I need it for work!" again I said "pay CS if you need it that bad"... I ask since when do you need it for "work" the only time u use the pp is for fun going to Paris... He gives me some sob story... Again "You want it pay child support!" I tell him I have no control over it, I had nothing to do with it Neither did domestic relations that the state did it! I tell him if he wants it ( his pp) back bad enough find some where to borrow the money. He is so many words said he had no plans on paying... I said looks like you won't be getting your pp any time soon then. I tell him next they will go after is drivers license . he then says "SO I don't need to drive another day in my life, I don't care!" Should of told him he would be Bubba's bitch with an attitude like that.... BUT yeah he tried to blame me on his passport being revoked just like I knew he would.... BOO FREAKING HOO.... I said BYE in the coldest voice I think I ever used... and ended the conversation. I have nothing ever to say to that man ever again.
D R called me last week to tell me he tried to renew it and what had happened. what would of been even better is IF he really did need it for work and he didn't know he was denied and he was at the airport trying to use it in front of the people he was doing business for and they took it from him then and there! That would of been pricless.

My house is falling apart at the seams and I need a plumber if it wasn't for the bucket under the leak I would have a built in pool. my water heater is broke I have to rig it and Christmas is coming and he could care less. these are his kids that have to live in this condition all because he thought the grass was greener on the other side.If it wasn't for my church and a friend from back home to help me with the leak... I was so close to just walking away from the house and letting it go.

Sad part of it all Boo (Brent) is home from school sick today and heard the whole thing.

So it's over before it really even started

2010-12-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

It's good though, I am alright. it wasn't a healthy relationship any way.. even though it was new... I felt myself slipping back to the person I was when I was with David and that is not a good thing!
The guy I was dating was literally my ex b4 David we dated when we were 15/16 he broke up with me back in 82 and the very next day I started going out with David. but what 28 yrs later who pops up on fb? He does I friend request him just for shits and giggles , next thing I know he is asking me out... but it's been rocky from the get go... he is still married divorce is not final till march. He smokes and smokes WAY to much! drinks till he passes out and has no friends! is a home body. Am I any of those???? talk about water and oil / night and day. He also would tell me I was retarted for beleiving in God, Heaven and Hell...
It was funny cuz his kids are great and I would sit there and talk to his son ( Brittany's age) and I would tell him stories about my friends and I would start out with "my friend" with each story I told, and I told 30 some stories and no lie 20 of the stories were about different friends, at one point he stops me and says "boy you have a lot of friends!"
Oh and get this I am screwing my neighbor BECAUSE I have his phone number in my cell phone, my neighbor texted me while I was with my bf and he got all pissed off ( the bf did) cuz I have my neighbors number in my phone, I tell him he looks out for me and the kids and my house, don't you have your neighbors number? NO YOUR SCREWING HIM. oh ok if you say so!!! ( he should of felt good knowing there was someone looking out for his girl and her kids when he wasn't around, am I wrong?)... Then he tries to tell me I CAN'T go to La P.... SAY WHAT???? I don't think so, so that night when he brought me home guess where I went??? LOL yup LA P... OH Guess what I am screwing the owner there too!!! I wish ;) I felt like saying that to him but yeah he was drunk and getting pissed didn't want to push the limit...
So he drops me off home last Sunday and says "see ya around!" it didn't dawn on me till after what he said so I didn't get in contact with him waited to see if he would contact me... NOPE so late last night I sent him a text asking if he had broke up with me and told him why I thought that.... I got back "I don't want to talk to anyone!"
OK bye bye!!! I didn't say that I just didn't text back...

Well

2010-11-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

Mr. Maybe needs a new name....
Last night we were talking and it's official we are dating only each other. But baby steps one day at a time....

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away....

So Mr Maybe

2010-11-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

So Mr Maybe and I went out on sort of a date yesterday... Quite a different first date I might add... BET not many of my readers can say their first date was meeting the ex and his family/kids....
I am still thinking WT??? LOL it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I guess I really wasn't thinking it was going to be bad just odd... I just can't imgaine wanting to be palies with my ex's new wife.I guess I shouldn't of been nervous, it's not like I was the one that broke up their marriage, like my ex's wife did, and plus she isn't playing with a full deck. I could never see myself sitting down and having a piece of cake with FULGY... Mr Maybe's ex wife and kids are very nice though and I would break bread again with them. I was just mostly nervous I guess. Because after all I hadn't been with Mr. Maybe since July 1982, we were14 &15 at the time . He said he was nervous coming to pick me up, asked me if I was, told him not really it's not like we are complete strangers, it's just been a while since we were together like this.
Spending time with Mr Maybe and catching up with him was nice too...
Not sure where this is going... BUT taking it slow....
It's a nice feeling.

Mr. Maybe?

2010-10-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

So I posted on FB the other day, then removed it after a day or 2 that status didn't get any replies but the status that followed it did... The post that followed it went something like : "FYI ,The Previous status was not about YOU or YOU or YOU!"
The status that made me write that one, went something like! Never fails... Murphy's law, I dumped $$ into a date site, (live and learn) and the very next day (go figure) Mr. Maybe starts to text me again, haven't heard from him since July... IDK We shall see...
Well now after I posted that I got to thinking a certain few who do read my status may think I was talking about them since they sent a few text around the same time Mr Maybe did...
Not to many make their way here, So I thought I would just get my thoughts out here.
They were all in my head when I went out for a walk now they are all gone, I hate when that happens...
Now it won't come out the way I really wanted it to, but here goes anyway.
L it wasn't meant to you, your friendship means the world to me , and I don't want to scare you away, thinking that the post was about you.
K, ugh wasn't towards you either... there are days I wish we could get our "stuff" together...
Mr Maybe (?) currently has no Internet so he says... when he first came to face book back in early spring we talked and kept in touch almost every day, until the day he sent a letter saying he moved out of state...
Well Thursday morning a week ago, I opened my profile back up on a date site, it was telling me I have letters and flirts and winks and to see them I had to pay, Well something in side of me said who knows, I've done the on line thing before and met a few great friends that way "L" ... Well I did @@ I thought they were going to take it out monthly but they took it out all in one lump sum ....
The very next night my cells dings it's Mr Maybe "I want to see you!" ME: "I thought you moved?" Mr Maybe: "Are you kidding me? It was a joke!" Me: "ha ha" (insert sarcasm ) .... these text went on for the next 24 hours non stop even ones at 4 am.... Mr Maybe: "Are we dating?" Me: "Idk, r we?"
So now we are "seeing!"
I don't know though... I'm confused... been riding solo for 9 yrs kinda of like it, it took me awhile to get to this point in my life. Although some nights I miss being with someone. Riding solo isn't that bad.
I went out with Mr Maybe way back in the day, before David ( the ex) we were young 14 & 15... He broke up with me for another girl... maybe that was my kamra though cuz I broke up with K to go out with G but like I said we were young....
back in May, June and July of this year when we were talking, he mentioned me moving to be with him, He in so many words said "move here!" I told him "I can't afford it!" he said "I can"
but that kind of was dropped... BUT I am NOT comfortable with uprooting my kids for a man... What IF ( nothings guaranteed in life) things didn't work out and he tells me to get my shit and get out and the kids and I are left homeless? I feel like if a If a man wants me, nothing can keep him away.
I've lived here in this house for 20 yrs the same house the same town, my kids have grown up here. This is their home and I won't up root them for anyone.. If a man wants to be with me and cares about me he would understand this. Until my kids are grown and out on their own I am staying put.
So since Monday the texts have slowed down they are few and far, he did have his kids last night. So who knows... I am not sure what to do! Do I stay on the date site, I paid for it, UGH! If I didn't pay for it this probably wouldn't of ever happened.

Allow your intuition or spirit to save you from heartache....

Tonight I wanna cry

2010-09-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

WOW so much for blood being thicker then water!!! Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

Contrary to popular belief I am not strong. I broke down and cried, after I hung up on my mom from a phone call. She is confused , she is mixed up she puts words in my mouth I never said. And she seems to like BUTTHEAD still after all he has done to me and her grand kids. I am still hurt to this day that she hugged him after the fact he cheated on me and she knew it too!!!!!! HELL would freeze over before I hugged any man that cheated on my daughters!!! They better know how the hell to run...
She seems to think the courts are for me too... That they will do what they say when they tell David if he doesn't pay he will go to jail... They have been saying that for yrs.. they never follow through, they only say it to scare him and it only works for a month or 2 then he is right back to being an ass.
She thinks the courts and David are the greatest... She thinks yesterdays court hearing David paid up in full and I am a millionaire and I am rolling in the dough. UGH!!!! She just doesn't understand the system and ex's how they both suck!

I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do... I've prayed and prayed and still my prayers are going un heard. The Bible says God helps those who help themselves... WELL guess what...

I will do what I have to do for my kids.

just messin around

2010-09-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Just messin' around didn't know how till add pictures until this entry...Now trying to figure out how to make the journal pretty too...

Is it wrong to say I told you so

2010-09-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

Just like I said he cried boo-hoo to the court personal yesterday in Child support court. They said "don't do it, again!" and "see you in Nov!" There is a continuous hearing. I don't have to be there. I didn't have to be at this one either and David asked Why I was there, I told him I wanted to find out what was going on. BUT he boo hooed how he has this bill and that bill and his house is going into forclouser.He paid a little bit BUT what really got me was he told them "I have bills" I spoke up and said "This is a bill!" he turns around and said "I would give my kids my last nickel if I could!" Yeah that's why my mom has been helping out off and on since Feb. Reminds me of the time Brittany asked her dad for money for jeans and he said NO but then the very next thing he did was give his step daughter enough money where Brittany could of bought 4 pairs of jeans. Right after he told Brittany no too!
It just makes me so mad that he can boo hoo to the courts and the courts just says "don't do it again or "other actions" (jail) will be taken against you! HELLO how many times do they say that before they actually follow through?
So he paid some... swears he paid in late Aug. he says "I sent it, I don't know why they won't give it to her!" @@ He let his 6 yr old mail it, she probably stuck it in her play purse or gave it to her mom or threw it away.
Anyway he did give a check to them BUT it will take another week to hit my account.He was telling the court how his house in foreclosure is it wrong to be a little bit happy? I warned him 9 yrs again"mark my word David, I said"She is going to bankrupt you and when she does she will be gone, she will leave you with nothing and go back to Paris!" Well here we are 9 yrs later and he is about to lose his house and there it talk that she plans on leaving him. When I told him that nine years ago all he said in a calm voice was "well maybe she will!" I can't believe he threw away 18 yrs and a family for her and the mess she got him into... I tried to warn him... Sorry to say BUT I KNOW EVERYTHING!!! So when she does go and he is in a one room apartment would it be wrong of me to happy dance and say I TOLD YOU SO???

???

2010-09-14T16:48:00.001-07:00

Why am I so freakin picky when it comes to the men in my life? Yet some women just settle?

Lyrics

2010-09-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

As I laid in bed last night a few lyrics popped to mind... I love lyrics to certain songs... I once was told to listen to a song called "angel eyes" from this guy I was in a relationship with... he tells me "but don't read into it!" Hello don't tell me to listen to a song but don't read into it. What's the point in listiening to it then? The following day he broke it off with me.
Then there was this other song that was once thrown into a text I was having with someone, not the song but a line from it, and it often makes me wonder what he was thinking when he said it... Now every time I hear the song I think of him and the text. I wonder if he thinks of me when he hears the song. I dare not mention the song or the text because if he happens to be lurking, surly he will know who I am talking about, he seems to always know when my facebook post are about him.

any who I'm just thinking out loud and just wanted to type them.

I just love music!

UGH!!!

2010-09-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

So I call David, ask him if he sent CS (again) , he says NO he is waiting till the court hearing on Wed... then says "I don't feel like going to this!" HELLO McFly all you have to do is pay CS and we wouldn't have to go to court! And I am out a days pay becuz of it... oh not to mention out 4 months of CS too....
i just wish he had a normal job that took his money from him so I wouldn't have to deal with him... I would be happy all the time becuz I wouldn't have to deal with him at all then.

insert SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this feeling

2010-09-12T18:21:00.000-07:00

I'm in a mood this evening ... I can't put a finger on it, and I'm not even sure why I'm in this mood, but I am! I think I'm sad, but I'm not sure. I would say it is the weather, BUT last month the weather was nice and I got in this same mood... I am starting to think it is when I get a visit from Aunt Flo.
I was fine all day and then after the ft ball game I came home took a nap and woke up and BAM I was sad/depressed. But Aunt Flo has been here a few days so I don't get it why now?
The game was ok it was wet and drizzly... The last three minutes of the first game were even better a good friend arrived for the second game and sat with me and talked to me for a bit, that was nice.
I think part of the reason I am sad is that I missed my oldest daughters birthday lunch with her and some good friends and family... Even if there was no game I still wouldn't of been able to go, no $$$, David is so far behind on CS and I am so far behind on bills. I can't afford to do anything fun right now! All I could get Brittany for her b-day was a bag of Swedish fish (her favorite) BUT I feel so bad.
The kids are asking for this or that and all I can say is "I'm sorry!" Brian's school is nickel and diming me to death. It really sucks!
CS court wants to see David on Wed and I have to take a day off and lose money to go. Why doesn't he just pay?
Then there is just stupid stuff...
I just have to keep telling myself "this to shall pass!"

Good question

2010-09-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

Ken wrote a comment in my last entry "What happend to old fashion courtship?"
What did happen to old fashion courtship? In quiring minds want to know?

Second Choice

2010-09-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago this guy one day walks into the bank and asks Brittany if she knew of any single ladies... Brittany knowing the man well enough "says yeah my mom". They chit chat for a bit and Brittany says "she's seen you a few times at La P" He asks her "what does she think of me?" Brittany tells him " couldn't tell her much about you because you are a customer here!" So he gives her his number to give to me. Tells her to tell me to call him. Me being me ( don't like to make the first call) I call about a week later. We talk for a while, he calls a few nights later and we talk again for a while then it switched to texts only.... then 2 weeks ago he tells me he was sorry for leading me on BUT he was still hung up on his ex gf... So I don't hear from him for 2 weeks until today out of the blue I get one from him... asks me how I am and what I am doing... then the very next text he invites me to go to the beach next weekend with him... WH????? We never even went on a date , don't know him that well... I am tired of being passive and letting guys treat me like I am sitting around waiting for them, So I replied "what about your ex gf?" First time ever I spoke up. he replies that she is not an issue any more... BUT I also told him in so many words I was not comfortable going out of town with him I barely know him, that we should go on a date in town a few times. An over night date the first time?
I think he took it well and is ok with it, and said he would be ok with going on a few dates first. BUT now I guess it's a "we shall see!"
I don't want to be a back burner babe or second choice.

just quotes

2010-09-07T07:13:00.001-07:00

wonders why is it that sometimes the hardest memories in your life are the ones that you want to forget but can't figure out how to?

isn't it ironic how the person who tends to make you the happiest is also the person who can make you feel the most miserable?

North east summer/fall weather

2010-09-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

needs to make up it's mind AC on shorts on... AC off sweaters on... Then it's cold but I wear shorts thinking it's going to be hot NOPE... Next day I wear jeans and a sweater and it gets hot.... Make up your mind already would you! Now when I am done here AC is going back on, at least for the next 2 days cuz from what I hear itsgoing to be hot again, 90's.

Apparently

2010-09-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

Some thinks I am his "a stand by will do in a pinch sort of girl"
UGH!!! I haven't heard from this guy since thursday since he backed out of a date for friday cuz he forgot he had plans, even though we texted about it a few times throughout the week.... I get a text that says HI nothing more...
WHT???? I didn't reply.... And I don't think I plan on it either, not today anyway... maybe in another day or 2?

Random Madness

2010-09-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Where do I start, have so many thoughts running through my head....

So many mixed emotions right now. I want to scream, I want to cry... I try to laugh to hide the pain, it's not working.

I feel like I am breaking inside (awesome song btw).

Last week I was under the impression I had 2 day care jobs, this week I find out they both fell through. Just when I think I am getting my head above water I sink even lower. I don't feel like I am ever going to see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.

I guess it's time to hang up my hat with home day care and go get a job in the outside world. It's kinda of a scary thought to me since I have not worked out side the home since 1986 all I know is home day care... And I would miss the little one I watch now, he is like my own.

David not paying child support just makes it worse. I really hate him for doing this to his family! he claims he paid it BUT it's been 2 weeks since he said that and still nothing has showed up in my account! He won't even help out and buy the kids things they NEED NOT WANT! I never dreamed in a million years he would turn out to be such an ASS. We have a court hearing to go to on the 15th I have to take off and lose a days pay. I better get something from this. It pisses me off that he does this crap to his kids.

Then there is the MEN issue... Men just plain suck!!! I am not NO rebound girl, or a holla back girl, you know girl that is willing to be treated like a doormat or booty call. She is a girl that will allow guys to do whatever they want with her and will just wait for them to 'holla back' at them. Well that is NOT me,... OR a stand by will do in a pinch sort of girl. I am worth way much more then that.

So many things are bothering me right now. Most of which are small and trivial but none less weighing heavily on me right now!

Things are really bad right now and I could use the extra help but have to much pride to ask for the help. I know of a person who abuses the system and I don't understand how they can do that, I don't get it. I had to break last week and ask my mom for help I really hated doing that, but with David being an ass I had no other choice.
There is a food closet here in town... I do have some food but some of it needs other things in order to make it. My kids say there is nothing to eat... They just have to learn to make do with what is here for a few more days. I don't want to have to call the food closet , cuz I know there are other people in town way worse then us. I have called it 3 times in 9 years, the second time (it had been three yrs since my first call) the women said in a snotty voice "we don't do this all the time!" So I try not to call them. People who abuse the system make it hard on those who don't.

I am sure things will turn around ( for the better, I hope) here soon.

Brian spent a day or 2 at his dads not long ago and he came home saying how Fugly told him she plans on leaving David soon. HMMMM when she does can I tell him "Told you so!" can I please??? 9 yrs ago this month when his affair first came to light I told him she was only using him for his choke gag hahaha money and that she was going to bankrupt him and leave him, his reponse in his voice ( like ho hum) was "maybe she will." She IMO was just using him for a green card all she has to do is stay married to him for a few yrs then she can divorce him and still be able to stay in the U S especially since she has a kids now by him. BUT she told Brian she plans on leaving him in another 2 yrs because she really doesn't love him any more!!! WHO the hell tells kids this kind of crap??? They are messed up people they also told MY kids I cheated on him... WHF??? UMMM yeah right!!! He kept me bare foot and pregnant, and even though he said he wanted me to learn to drive he did everything he could to scare me from it. I was NEVER allowed to leave the house with out one or ALL the kids I always had to have them with me! Even on a moms night out I had to take the youngest with me, so much for a moms night out! OH they told the kids I did it while I big food shopped (once a month) YUP that's were I cheated behind the produce and got 2 full shopping carts full of food in an hour.
OMG who tells KIDS this crap!!! OH I know people who try to shift the blame! Well all I know is GOD and I know the truth and that is what matters.

And just because I wrote the above paragraph doesn't mean I am still hung up on the dude, it just means I am getting it off my chest.

THE EEJIT STRIKES AGAIN....

2010-09-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

Can I scream? Sure why not, after all it's my blog... I can do and say whatever I want here and if you don't like it, see that little red x up in the right hand corner... use it.

Ok now what has me fit to be tied tonight...

Well Butthead is 4 months behind on child support. We have a court hearing coming up in 14 days. It's so madding though I hate that he won't pay up. He told me nine yrs ago " the kids would never go without" Well they have done nothing but gone without since he left! He is self employed so child support does not get taken out of his pay check, he is suppose to pay it out of the goodness of his heart... Oh wait what heart???

The other night, he swears he paid CS I said he didn't because it would be in my account by now if he paid it when he said he did. Then he tells me he left his 6 yr old mail it!!! WHT????? Is he sure she didn't mix the trash can up with the mail box?

Then he says "well if I could just give you the check myself!" I said "yeah and we all know how well that turned out 8 yrs ago, that's why I ended up taking your ass to court."

So Brian starts his new school tomorrow they want him to dress casual, because you never know when he could be whisked away for a job interview (a really new cool school he is going to). So he has to dress nice. He needed new everything. I asked David for 48 hours if he could take Brian clothes shopping. he kept saying I'll call ya back later, but with him later never comes. I call him back this morning, he tells me to have Bri call him back at 3, Brian calls him and what does he say? I'll call ya back...
So I call at four and this is what I get "Well I decided I will work out a deal with Brian, he HAS to work for his clothes!, He needs to learn to earn his way!" Oh MY FRIGGIN BBBEEEPPPPPP..... You asshole IF you would pay CS I wouldn't be asking you to take him shopping. I would be taking him!!! It's one thing to make him work for something he WANTS BUT for something he NEEDS and from his father who is suppose to MAN UP and take care of his kids!!!!
And he wonders why Brian is so up set with him... His dad has treated him like this since the day he left.

It just makes me so mad that he does this to Brian.

I had to break down and call my mom and ask her to help me with school shopping! I hate doing that. But their own father won't even step up and take responsibility.

As we grow

2010-08-22T13:36:00.001-07:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

WOW

2010-08-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it's been almost 9 months since I blogged... I think I will get back into it... I think... Sometimes I think to much though...

Same BS...

2009-11-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

THIS ENTRY HAS BEEN REMOVED

AND REMEMBER IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY BITCHING IN MY BLOG... BITE ME!!! THE LITTLE RED X IS IN THE UPPER RIGHT HAND CORNER!!!

Seeing Things

2009-10-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

I thought I saw him from a distance, that familiar face I once cared for and thought I could fall in love with oh so easily! When I looked down only for a moment and then looked back up he was gone. I realized my eyes and mind were just playing games with my heart again. I see his shadow all the time It’s crazy how I feel this way I can't explain it. He'll always be in my life even if I'm not in his life because he's in my memory.

TEENS

2009-10-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

NEVER MIND I MOVED THIS TO MY PRIAVTE J

I just don't know what to do right now!

Happiness

2009-10-05T05:42:00.000-07:00

You are only ready to start dating again when you don't feel like you have to have someone in order to be happy.

Never depend on someone else for your happiness. Another person cannot make you happy, and it is not another person's responsibility to do so.

It takes one year of healing for every four years of marriage. Some people have control over that in terms of working it through, and different people heal at different rates, so it's a general statistic. But I've found over time that it's a wise statistic.

married 11 yrs with him a total of 18 though...

I didn't start dating again until after the divorce (4yrs)...

I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

2009-10-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

I survived childhood abuse, I survived scoliosis, I survived a cheating husband, I survived anemia, I survived a thoracic meningocele,I survived GIST!!!THIS TO SHALL PASS!!!! I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

Again not written by me BUT another Goodie

2009-10-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out: ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (they are entitled to their own views and opinions, weren..t we living in the huge industry so-called Democracy?!)

And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself, and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties, and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

You begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing. You stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, that it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and you learn the importance of setting boundaries and of learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love: Romantic love and familiar love. You learn how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. And you learn that you don' t have the right to demand love on your terms. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and you learn that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want -- and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you decide you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you make more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes "bad" things happen to unsuspecting good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state: the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself, and you make yourself a promise never to betray yourself and never, ever to settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

I didn't write this but I like it!

2009-10-02T05:28:00.001-07:00

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.

You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition
but only a quiet calmness when they are around.

You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.

Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you
through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and
possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

???

2009-10-02T04:49:00.000-07:00

Do you (from aol journals) remember how we had to move our aol jorunals here... I thought ( at first) that I had to start a whole new blog, hence "starting over" BUT I was wondering if there is a way to move these entries to my old one I'm a Survivor"? I am thinking I might blog more often ( when I am not blogging in my private one) if I could only have the 2 blogs... I miss aol jornal land! I miss my aol alerts to new entries... Still not sure how this site works! I never know when people write.

Not here

2009-09-28T04:51:00.000-07:00

I am posting in my private journal for the next day or 2, whatever it takes!

walls

2009-09-25T05:23:00.000-07:00

I've built a wall not to block anyone out but to see who loves me enough to climb over it

thoughts

2009-09-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

Some people believe that your destiny is already laid out for you and good or bad, no matter what you do, it finds you. People also believe in soul-mates. that one person that was made for you that you are meant to be with no matter how bumpy the road is getting to him. I guess that’s what I believe.
Not sure if a person can have more then one soul mate though? I thought I met mine many yrs ago, BUT I chose another path and let him go! I still think of him now and then and think what if? Our paths did cross again not to long ago and well lets just say I remember WHY I took the path I did, even though that path didn't have a happy ending either...

I do believe in putting myself out there and always being open to receiving love because I believe that the one who is meant to be mine will find his way to me when we are both open and ready for it. I also believe that I have to kiss a lot of toads before I find my prince so that I can be more appreciative of the love that I find in him and that I learn from every experience good or bad. I also think that everything that happens; happens for a reason and each experience—good or bad—brings you a step closer.

it did take me a while to learn this, BUT once I did I became a happier person. My gaurd is still up. BUT it's not under lock and key like it once was!

Lifes lesson, live and learn... keep what works , get rid of what doesn't or tweek it to make it better!

my favorite word is
Serendipty... you know the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

***********
one day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past , for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come' Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering!
Ida Scott taylor

My baby and More

2009-09-24T04:39:00.000-07:00

My baby is 10 today, where did the time go they grow up so fast! I love her so much, she truly is a special gift from God!

I feel the need to start journaling again, It helps with healing and moving forward!

I want to write more , so much more, but my thoughts are all jumbled up inside, can't get them straight to get the words out, it's almost as if the file cabinet in my head blew up and the papers are scattered all over the place!

Anyway as soon as I get my thoughts and words un jumbled were they won't get me into trouble... I'll be back!

oh my

2009-09-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

WOW ummmm for once I am speechless, thanks to my friendly stalker... LOL... hummmm
600 textes since friday...
Wanted to see the "good stuff" .... no not like that, get your mind out of the gutter....
LMAO....
So I told him if he wanted to see the "good stuff" he has to take me on a date!!!!
Guess who has a date?
ME!!!

guess I should define "good stuff".... Good Stuff: more in depth information about me... my deep dark secerts what makes me tic....

KIDS!

2009-09-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

( I wrote this last night but am only positng it now) I was 2 seconds away from calling the police here on Brian tonight he
stole over 50.00 he gave 20.00 back... he still lies over the other
30.00 !!! I just got paid an hour before he stole it! He couldn't wait a day or 2 until I started to spend it? He went to his dads for the weekend I can't take it any more! He sucks at lying and stealing! He is the worlds worst liar!

and it pisses me off too because I support his ass! I have been busting
my butt to make ends meet and david has not paid support in 2 months
and he goes and steals from me! I went off on him I am surprised the neighbors didn't call the police on me for screaming! it had to sound like someone was being murdered! it just makes me so mad that he is pretty much stealing from his brother and his sister.... And even after he handed back the twenty he still denied taking it from me! I told him then he is a dealer because there is no other way he would of gotten it! and I was missing 2 twentys and a ten! got back one twenty, still missing the other! I have noticed my money going down , but I thought that was because I was spending to much and not keeping track, buying things here and there for the start of school! I never thought he would steal from me
seeing the way we struggle!!! I am so pissed right now I don't want
him back in the house!!! He went with his dad tonight so I could hang
with friends for a bit! I won't keep a penny in my wallet any more! don't think his therapist is of no help when I talk to him he really
just "hmmmm!" and when i was talking to david about it , he was making a joke of it! brought up some stupid scene in the ice age movie?
Brian says I keep changing my story! BUT I don't keep changing how
much I am missing! The day care father just paid me when he picked up his daughter! I didn't go any where to spend it! Then Brian made a comment about my money being in my purse! HELLO how did he know it was there! 8 out of ten times my wallet is on the table! Stupid me! you know lately I thought I was missing money but with the start of school and the kids saying I need this or that... I wasn't keeping track of it to well! Better believe I will be keeping better track now! So if Brian says he needs new shoes next week I will tell him since he stole from me I can't afford it! Brian he acts younger then Bethany.... sometimes even younger then the 4 yr olds I watch! The Dr's did an evaluation on him in the hospital and they says that he acts and thinks like a 9 yr old!!! Bethany doesn't even do or say half the stuff Brian does!
So next week when one of them need something I will have to say NO ! I plan on saying NO to Brian if he needs something... I'll tell him he has money get it himsel.! it's not in my budget! You know Brain still swears he didn't steal it from me, even as he was handing 20 of it back! he looked at me swore it was his! I asked him where he got it! Told him either it is my money or you are a drug dealer because you don't have a job! not a legit one any way! he looks me straight in the eye and lies, even though he has been caught and knows I know he is lying!
You know and david says divorce doesn't mess kids up!
Brian hates his life!

Brent hates Christians....Brent now claims he is atheist and we are all crazy loons for having "A God"
I don't even bother waking Brent to go to church... I know that is probably not the right move! BUT I don't want to go to church on a sour note!
it all started last yr after his science teacher and the "big bang" lesson! and what makes it worse is his science teacher is a christian! He bought a book on Darwin... I wouldn't pay for it, I told him if he wanted it, he would have to pay for it, so he did! I told him he should buy the one that disputes Darwin and read it too and then form his own opinion! he won't do that! Guess he is afraid of the truth!
he bought a CD by a guy named Brian Welsh he use to be in the group KORN well he became a born again christian and left the band.... he got baptized ( he looked just like Jesus) any way his new cd sounds awful... BUT if you listen to it he sings about thanking God for still being alive after all he has done in his life! and the very first person he thanks on his CD is GOD.... when I researched this on line and read Brent's cd case and pointed it out to Brent! Brent's reply was... "he is brainwashed!" One night I asked him where he comes up with some of his crazy ides he told me he makes it up! I told him "oh that's real intelligent!"
He (Brian Welsh) also wrote a book by the same name of one of his songs "save me from myself" I am thinking of getting it for Brent! Brent just finished 7th and is in 8th this yr! I know it was the science class! and his teacher is a christian... he should IMO of told the kids I am a christian ,I don't believe in this but I have to teach it!
he claims he stopped believing in God when he found out about Santa!

so much fun!

so far Bethany is still on the right track, she hasn't hit her double digits in age yet... So that could change soon too... She's 10 in 5 days!

WOW

2009-09-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

haven't posted since July, lots going on here, still having trouble with Bri but not as bad! Butthead is still being butthead, what's new with that?
Rob is history. pretty much has been since like April, yeah that lasted real long, then there was a guy named "X" he couldn't make up his mind! he kept asking me out then canceling, he saw me at a game one week and started to write to me after almost 6 weeks of not hearing from him,After a few e-mails back and forth we both decided maybe we are just better off as friends , we hang with the same crowd so it is just better that way!
So now I am not pushing it, letting it happen on it's on time...

Last week I was out with my normal crowd and my friend brought a friend we hit it off right away and I am having fun talking with him when we do see each other in group settings, only seen him twice! So who knows! We shall see, we seem to have the same sense of humor, and when I get a text from him, it makes me smile! Almost backed out of the second group meeting but I am glad I didn't. Even though I had an awful day the gathering made it better... It was a nice way to end a bad day!
Bethany is in cheer again this yr, so far no broken arms! Brent is in football... and I am still busy as ever!

why do I let him get to me like this

2009-07-03T09:39:00.001-07:00

I could cry right now because I am all alone in this, the ex is acting as if he cares but he doesn't give a crap. he makes my blood boil. I don't know what I even saw in him all those yrs ago!
David went to the hospital the other night and was acting like father of the yr, the very next morning he was calling here making plans for the kids for the weekend, and when I said Brian is in the hospital he said "OH yeah that's right!" how do you forget in less the 24 hrs... ?
I know hate is such a strong word but I hate him!
Brian might be getting out the hospital today or Sunday not sure yet. His burns are healing nicely.
That's not all he did yesterday... He calls again later and ask what Bethany is doing that he wants to take her along with camille so camille could pick out a hamster! I said NO, he said WHY I said you know Bethany wants a hamster, he said "she can play with it when she comes here!" then Brent had an appointment with the Dr's for football and when david came here to get him he asked where it was even though I told him three times in the week and then calls again while driving there Where am I taking him and I told him, he was like "where's that rd at?" , I told him, he could of used his damn GPS... I told him the same dr we have been using for the past 16 yrs, he says "well I have other dr's to remember, and I say and I don't? he made me give him gas money to take me to go see Brian, he says I owe him 10 dollars anyway this coming from an asshole who owes me 2621.12 in CS.... UGH so much for him being so tuned in to his kids, he drives me crazy!! I want to scream.

My Son

2009-06-29T05:46:00.001-07:00

I am so tired not sure what end is up or even what day it is.. Well I do now, when day care kids showed up!

Brian is back in the hospital... It all started about a week ago! I saw small burn narks on his arm from a BIC lighter I asked him what they were he said "nothing" I said "that's not, nothing, what is it!" he told me he burnt him self when I asked him why he said he wanted to see if it hurt... I said "well did it?" he said Yeah... I said then why did you do it 5 more times? He had 6 small burns all in a row.
So saturday morning at his appointment with his counselor I told him about it... He tells me WELL I wouldn't worry about it unless it gets worse, ( little did I know)... So saturday afternoon Brittany came over ( the other 2 were with their dad, his weekend) So Brittany , Bri and I went out to lunch... I was showing Brittany Brian's burns and went to pull his sleeve up and out of the way and I saw "something" so I lifted his sleeve a little higher! OMG (it brings chills to my body just re-typing it)... He had 2 HUGE round circle infected the size of a golf ball burns.... I immediately told him to lift his other sleeve and there were 2 more same spot same size they 2 were infected so we came home after lunch and I put nenosporon on it and band-aids, oh he also had 2 on his legs... called his dad to tell him about it and said I would call the peds first thing monday morning... WELL my friend Amy came over and I was telling her about it, and she said "that's not good" later that night we went to a friends house were her husband is an EMT and in front of him Amy says "Brian how are your arms?" he shrugs and says I don't know!" Amy says let me see at this point John is there ( the EMT) and Brian pulls back the band-aids and John said "What did you do buddy?" and Brian told him he burnt himself, John said "WHY?" Brian said "because I don't like my life!" John said to me that's not good he needs to be checked out for the burns (2nd degree) and what ever is going on in his head! So from saturday night 9:30 pm till sunday morning 6am were spent in 2 different hospitals.

Later on that afternoon when Bethany came home from her dads she asked about Brian and when I was telling her , she didn't act surprised at all about the burns and when I mentioned the 4 on his upper arms she said "I know!" ... I stopped and said "how do you know you weren't here, you were at dads!" Well here she knew about them for over a week, she said she didn't want to snitch on her brother! I explained to her that , that was a bad secret to keep that when someone is hurting themselves and then telling someone they really want to be told on, that it is a cry for help! A snitch is running to me to tell me Brian stole a cookie from the cookie jar is a "snitch".

David of course "what's wrong with him?" does anyone have a 2 by 4 I can borrow? he is an idiot he just doesn't get it!

now it is all making sense to me why he ONLY takes most of his anger out on Brent and wishing Brent dead!!!!
BUT David doesn't get it!

I know a lot of his problem are David BUT of course David doesn't get it... And thinking about it now NO wonder Brian says and does the things he does to Brent, he is taking his anger out on Brent because he is David's favorite! :*( I hate this for the kids! He is such an Ass (david) and when he left he says "divorce doesn't effect kids" HOW the heck would he know his parents are still married! Guess he was wrong!

So I went up to visit him last night and they were dressing his burns and IF his burns are not better by the time he is ready to come home I have to take a "med-care" class and learn how to take care of them, they are using a special cream that you can ONLY get on the burn and NO where else or else you will "melt" the healthy skin away. I'll have to wear gloves too.

There is so much more to this... My head is spinning.

History Repeating???

2009-06-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

Brittany's almost 19 I have to learn she is a big girl now and if she wants to go with him I have to let her go! I hope she learns before it's to late and it doesn't take her as long as it took me... WOW don is just like david in a lot of ways! Looking back over the last years, he is doing it very subtly, like David did. They are good at that.
he is talking marriage, so Brittany says! I was 16 when David and I got together, and David 18 (B&D are the same) I hope they don't get married and then in his 30's decide he didn't get to "sew his wild oats" and do what her dad did to me and leave her bear foot and pg... she has her permit but so far has done nothing to get her license! Shaking my head I see so much of me and David in there.... it's scary. But what can I do? I tried to point out the warning signs/red flags, but she doesn't want to hear it! :(

BYE BYE BYE

2009-06-09T07:23:00.001-07:00

Friday morning before I kicked them out he was treading on thin ice... I asked Brittany ( they still had dishes in the sink from Monday) "when are you going to do your dishes?" She laughed and said "Don wanted to see how long it would take for you to get mad!" ( talk about respect) any way I said "I wasn't going to get mad I was going to put them in your bed." She says "you would of pissed Don off!" HELLO and what he was trying to do to me was different how?

I tried to give Brittany food and a toaster he wouldn't let her take it.. I think he thinks he is hurting me! He doesn't see it has hurting the person he claims to love!

This little brat works 2 days a week at an water ice shack... Brittany is paying for their apartment, HIS car, car insurance and no doubt cell phone too. NOW she is paying rent too... ON a one room place for 400.00 a month when they could of got a whole apartment for 400. 00 a month... He is showing me alright! Showing me how much of a jerk he really is!!! His true colors are coming out! I hope Brittany sees them before it is too late!

So Brittany came here after work and she didn't want to talk about "it" ... I asked her why Don wouldn't take the toaster or food or even coffee for his coffee maker... She was getting all bent out of shape, "I don't want to talk about it!" I told her "well I know why he is doing it, he thinks he is hurting me, he is only hurt you ( I told her) all she has been eating since Friday night is PB&J... she sat down and ate dinner with us! then don came and got her and took off with out a word to me!
He needs to grow up!!!!

I hate the fact that she can't see what Don is doing to her is a form of abuse!!! He wouldn't let her take a box of food from me, ONLY because he thinks he is hurting me!!!! What a little brat!!!

He is being an ass to Brittany to get back at me!!! I don't know exactly where the apartment is, BUT I know where about's it is I should drop a bag of non-perishables by when they are not there!

He doesn't even show his OWN mom respect, right there is a BIG red flag!
they say you can tell the type of man a guy is the way they treat their own mom and he is always saying how much he hates her!

His mom and step dad kicked him out, he was living with his bio dad when he moved in here, they have a good relationship from what I can tell. BUT he seems spoiled now looking back on things, he doesn't get his way his pouts and doesn't talk to you!
Gosh Brittany is talking marriage with him!!! I see history repeating it's self... (me and david)...

Brittany said he got his feelings hurt when I told him he was no better then Dennis!!! She said he doesn't hit me, or abuse me , or cheat on me!!!

BUT he doesn't show his GF's mother respect, or his mom, IMO that is a huge RED FLAG!!!

wish I would of raised her with a better back bone though , right now she is paying for every thing!!
and that little snert nose brat told me I needed show him respect in MY house! That is why he left his mom's!! HELLO he doesn't pay the bills....

Don is so controlling and sadly she does not see it that way, and you would think she would be the first to see the signs, since she watched me go threw it with her dad! BUT Don is different, he is not "dad"! Guess this is going to have to be another one of those lessons she learns the hard way and in the end says " you were right, again mom!"

He is gone

2009-06-09T06:43:00.001-07:00

well the little snert nose brat broke the camels back.... He shut MY fuse breaker down while I was watching a movie. and then started screaming at me about showing him respect in MY home!!!! So I screamed at the top of my lungs for him to get the F out of MY house and leave MY key!!!!!!! He was trying to tell me I need to show him respect in MY house!!!!! OH MY gosh I told him to GET out before I call the call the cops!!!! That little brat doesn't pay the elecrtic or the mortgage, where does he get off messing with my stuff and tlling me a grown adult to show him respect in MY home! He needs to earn respect!! And he isn't even coming close to that!

POOR Brittany was crying and so torn I told her I love her and that some day she will realize blood is thicker then water! because he made a comment about that is how is mom and step dad went down, in other words ( I take it) that Don could NOT show respect to his mom or get his own way! HELLO this is MY house!!! So he left his moms and to this day he hates her because I take it he could not get his way! Bethany was crying and was saying she didn't want to take sides. I told her how much I love Brittany and how Brittany can come by anytime... Hopefully with this his true colors will come out!

I have never been so mad in my life! That kid (don) is to much I even told him he was as bad as dennis! that is how pissed I was!!!

HE is gone! I threw his BUTT out friday night close to mid night.

Fuss, Fuss, Fuss? what was the point?

2009-06-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

oh my gosh all this fuss about them moving out, them saying it is too soon not enough time!!! GUESS what they are moving out their things as I type this! come to find out they are moving out next saturday!!!! as bad as this sounds I am really really happy!!!!! OH and it is an efficiency apartment across the street from our local pizza/pub joint... and literally a hop skip and jump to Brittany's work!!!!

I am letting her keep her cell ( going to pay for it) BUT I changed my password on it and the minute she abuses it I am shutting her off!!!

I also went to her work place MY bank first and told them NO way I want her fired, BUT is there a way to block her from checking my account? I use to have her do it for CS BUT now I don't want her checking when ever she feels like it saying "i need this!" "well you have it, I've checked!"

SO she is leaving on the 13th ...

So Brittany tells me this morning ( she talks to me when don is not here) that her and don think it is funny that their dishes are still sitting in the sink, they wanted to wait to see how long it would take me to flip! I told her I wasn't going to flip my next move would of been to put them in your bed! She said that would of pissed Don off!!! HELLO and what are you trying to do to me??? WOW...

But Brittany was crying, ( bitter sweet) she's happy to be moving BUT scared too, I told her AGAIN if it does not work out she knows this is her home too!

UGH ungrateful people.... and know it alls

2009-06-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

So get this Brittany and Don are up at my neighbors! they took my food up) ... People are telling me I am being to nice letting don stay on the way I am... So I text brittany and tell her they better change their way and respect me in MY home or I am changing their move out date! She tells me I can't do that.... breech of contract! ( no doubt she got that from bill) I tell her there is nothing in writing! she comes back "verbal" I tell her he is NOT paying rent that he is squatting, so i can ask him to leave any time... she writes nothing back about that.. She is going on and on asking how they are being rude, I told her that this is one way ( the texs) and then she tells me I am being just as rude to him (don) as he is me! UMMMM hellooooo ME grown up, MY house, my rules.... don't like it get the F out!!!!! I turned off my cell I was sick of the texes!!! I told her she better call her dad and take him up on that room at his place! I have had it!!!! She is saying stuff like how don does this and that and takes me here and there and that should be "thanks" enough.... HELLOOOOOOO????? he still has not spoken to me now going on 10 days! she tells me that it works both ways!!!! Their dishes are still sitting in the sink from monday!!!! And I am paying her cell... She has no idea how lucky she is...

Update on Bri and a little more too...

2009-06-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

So Bri came home Fri after noon. So far so good, thy adjusted his medicines and he seems to be doing ok!!! he went back to school and that is going well too... Only a few more days left of school and summer break starts soon!

So I gave my daughter's boyfriend until Aug 1st to find a place and GO.. I told Brittany that she can stay, BUT he has to go, that this is Bri house and if Bri does not feel safe in his own house because of the bf, he needs to go ( the bf)... I told her that the door is always opened to her though.

So the bf has not spoken to me since the night I took Bri to the hospital!!! HELLO??? Bri??? He is lucky and should be thanking me that I did not throw his ass out the morning I got back from the hospital...

They don't have to pay me rent and or back for the bird they borrowed money from me for. So they can save for a new place! And I still get NO thanks! IF a landlord throws you out giving you 2 months you still owe that 2 months of rent!!! they don't know how good they have it!!!

NOW they have been eating out every night since I gave them notice!!! HOW can they afford it if they are suppose to be saving??? and the nights they don't eat out they leave MY sink full of dishes, makes me wonder who will do their dishes in their new place???

AND he has the nerve to call Bri worthless when he is almost 21 and works like 1 or 2 days a week scooping ice???? Bri is 16 and still in school...

AND Brittany pays for HIS car insurance and car payment and he won't let her drive HIS car!!!! WOW.....

Can we say RED FLAG!!!! not sure Brittany sees it even though I have tried to point it out!

NOW Brittany won't speak to me when her bf is around, and he just won't speak to me at all... Do I care that he won't speak to me???? NO!!!!

BUT THIS IS MY HOUSE AND I WANT RESPECT IN MY HOUSE!!!!!

He has no idea how lucky he is that he is still here!!! Like I said I could of thrown his sorry ass out last Tuesday.... he should be thanking me and telling Bri he is sorry!!!

No it's NOT ALL his fault but he didn't help either....

lots of prayers needed for Brian!

2009-05-27T08:46:00.000-07:00

lots of prayers needed for Brian!

He signed himself into a hospital last night! (monday night now)
I am going on 2 hours of sleep since monday morning 8am...
Poor Bri I was never so scared for him... Him and Don had it out and I believe that was the final straw... I went to the store with Bethany and came home to ask for help with the cases of soda and brian came out of his rooom so upset and in tears to the point I didn't know what he was saying... he scared me! He got out "I need help, I'm sick... I am having thought!"
My neighbor took us to the hospital at 5:30 LGH couldn't take him because of his age... BUT we sat there for transport 7.5 hours to go to another hospital... I called his dad to fill him in... his response was ... after I told him what brian's thoughts were..."HMMM" then he went on to say how Don was a BIG part of his problem! HELLOOOO!!!!
This coming from the "dad" who wlks into the house, ignores Brian who is less then a ft from him to say "HEY Boo , want to hit golf balls with me later this week!" Brian who says "What about me dad?" David says "you can hit golf balls too" Brian says I don't want too, David says "what do you want to do! Brian says "bowling" david says "what about roller skating?"

HELLOOOO He said BOWLING!!!!

then don and Bri had a huge fight

and then Bri had a complete break down and he is in a hospital an hour away. And I am the only one on the visitors list, he didn't want hi sister or dad on the list. I told david , not sure how he took it, he didn't say much when I told him that! Bri made the list! I wrote it, he told me who to put!

OH and Ang knows a lot of this already!

even the part about Brittany and Don maybe moving out!

I told Brittany that they have till ?-X-02 to save and find a place! She took it like I thought she would , all pissy at first BUT she knows the door is always opened to her IF things don't work out with her and Don . I told her I love her and her brother very much , BUT if she want to be with Don I understand! BUT this is Bri's home BEFORE Don's. Since they were 19 and 21 they need to get out on their own! I stopped rent and she doesn't have to pay me back for the bird. Don starts work soon so they should have plenty saved up for a place by aug 1 IF they are short a a few ( no more the 2) hundred I will give it to them!

BUT I want my Bri Guy back!

Please pray!!!!!

Every other weekend.....

2009-05-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

I had it out with david friday night (5-15-09)! I told him to step up and be a dad! After Brent pushed me, while get out of his dad's van. his reply? Honest to God , his reply! "I am a dad every other weekend!"

he is the biggest jerk ever! we had it out in the drive way... it brought the neighbors out!
and believe it or not the new wife was agreeing with almost everything I said to him!
it just blows me away that he said that though! "I am a dad every other weekend!" So does that mean since he when has the kids on his weekend (only because I begged him) I am not a mom on his weekend?
he also told Brent after Brent told him he NEEDED shoes , David told him "If your good I will buy you shoes!" this coming from a butthead who has not paid support since Jan!!!! well EXCUSE ME he paid one month... he is still behind 3 months... so what he did pay last month does not count!
my neighbors asked if his wages were "garinshed" I said "NO he is self emplyed, he has to pay out of the goodness of his heart!"

Oh wait he has no heart was my response!!!

from what the kids tell me the second wife was putting him in his place from the get go! I should of done that from day one! BUT I was being the "bible wife" . And bending over backwrds to please my husband! I was shocked though that she was agreeing with me with the things I was finally telling him after 19 yrs!
NOW I just feel like crying! you've seen pictures of my kids! how can he deny them like that? how can any man do that to their kids! ANYONE can be a sperm donor! it takes a REAL man to be a dad!

Now I just want to cry how can he deny his own flesh and blood, Things are been nuts here. I have day care kids here every day from 6 to 6 and then my kids. No time to breath! Been having a lot of trouble with Brian and Brent. I feel like I am losing control of them! And their dad is of no help! I just don't get how he can do and say what he does, I don't get it.
I just feel like I can't take my kids any where any more, they act out so bad!
David still has not paid child support and now we have a court hearing date set for the 29th of May! He has only paid 2 months of support this year!
I sure could use some prayers , we need all the prayers we can get. Maybe for the boys to start listening again, and for David to step up and help parent! When I asked him to step up and be a dad and help out, he told me "I am a dad every other weekend!" WHAT? I am a mom 24/7. How is he only a dad every other weekend? Brian is so hurt and upset over how his dad treats him, I think that has a lot to do with why Brian is acting out, But David doesn't get it, instead he tells people I am a bad mom. He just loves to shift the blame. My heart breaks for my kids! He picks favorites and has the balls to say I am a bad mom!

OH and his weekends this yr? can be counted on one hand! He took them the weekend of 1-11-09, 2-21-09 and May 15,09.

ANY EXCUSES FOR HIM NOW??? "She'll" probably come up with one "She" e-mailed me one from my last post! Wish I could block ONLY "her" instead of going private!

it gets on my nerves!!!!

2009-05-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

I CAN'T STAND WHEN "PEOPLE" MAKE EXCUSES FOR MY EX...
NEXT YOUR PROBABLY GOING TO PAT HIM ON THE BACK AND MAKE AN EXCUES AS TO WHY I HAVEN'T SEEN A PENNY IN SUPPORT SINCE JAN....

HE IS AN ASS.... THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR HIM....

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM!!!!!

YOU'VE MADE EXCUSES FOR HIM SINCE DAY ONE AND YOUR "SUPPOSE" TO BE MY FRIEND!!!!

I AM STARTING TO THINK MAYBE "YOUR" IN LOVE WITH THE JERK!!!!!

No more yesterdays

2009-05-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

I am so glad yesterday is over!!!! What a nightmare I had, and of course the EX is of no help!!!!
My 16 yr old went missing and his dad could of cared less, half of Lititz was looking' for him ALL BUT his dad! Brian didn't come home after school. They get out a little after 3 and he sometimes walks to the day care with his friend to get her baby, well the latest he normally gets home from that is 4:30, 4:30 comes and goes no Brian, 5pm comes and goes NO BRIAN, I call his dad at 4:30 and then again at about quarter of and then I called his I called Brian's gf I told her if he was she needs to tell me and not cover for him it will just make things worse, I told her I was getting ready to call the COPS.So I called his dad a few more times asked his dad for help all I got was "HUMMM" I said "Can you jump in your van and help look?" I got a "HMMM" as if I was putting him out! My neighbors were bending over backwards to help .I called my friend Amy and David again, he is of NO help, So I called Rob to see what my options were, he told me the police wouldn't do anything for 12 hours! He said he was serving papers but would come over and help me too! 2 of my day care kids were still here, she calls me to tell me she is going to be late, 40 minutes late, I told her have her bf come get the kids then because I have a bit of an ER here, funny thing is she ended up getting here within 20 minutes, something tells me she was with her bf and not at work. So the day care left and I went to Amy's to talk to her husband, he said Why don't you call him on his cell? I told him I took it from him, he was grounded, what does he do with his kids and their cell when they are grounded? He said parent control, I didn't know they had that! I called david yet again, asked him if he could go around town to look and he sounded so put out! I asked him to call Brian's gf too, to see if he gets the same story! he said WHY??? ummmm because we were teenagers at one time too david you tell me why! He even sounded put out by making a call. My neighbor told me to call the police anyway ( despite the 12 hour thing). Especially since Brian is always saying he is going to run away.
so I did call the police, then I was told to go home and wait for them to show up! when I got back to the house Brian just walked threw the door too... 3.5 hours after school! I called the police back to let them know he came back! I called Rob too, BUT he still showed up anyway! Brian says he was at the park with his friends and it was my fault because I took his ... cell phone! I told him the 2 people he told me he was with had cells he could of used their phone for 30 seconds to let me know where he was! He told me know one cares! I told him IF I didn't care I wouldn't of called the police and told them to a T what he was wearing, his gf called back to see if he came home and his friend that he normally walks to day care with came down later to see if he came home!
He just upsets me thinking I don't care! WOULD I of gone through all that IF I didn't care!?
David has been like that since the day he walked out on us! and I would bet my bottom dollar Brian is acting out like this to get his dad's attention and he couldn't even get it ( his attention) tonight either!he picks favorites with our kids and makes it known too! IT shows BIG time who his favorites are! it's very sad.
Rob tried talking to Brian and scaring him about dentention halls, he seems to think he will have it better there then he does here!

Thanks to ALL those who were there for me! Rob< Amy, Michelle, Brett, Casey, Bill, Corry....

SO NEEDLESS TO SAY I gave him his cell phone back with parental controls on it! he can ONLY call ME, Brittany, HOME and his dad! and no texes either, I think he can Tex the people he can call!
I didn't know about parental controls on a cell until Bill told me about them! Thanks BILL!!!!

I just have to repsot this

2009-05-05T06:52:00.001-07:00

not written by me, BUT I like it!

by Precious
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around.

You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition
but only a quiet calmness when they are around.

You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant.

Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you
through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face.

In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and
possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

Sister vent

2009-05-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

my sister just doesn't get it... she doesn't think she casued my mom to get sick, of course it's not 100% her fault , my mom was abused pretty much from birth till my dad died! well then my sister pretty much picked up where my dad left off. But
she swears up and down "she didn't do it" she didn't cause my mom to get sick! they didn't fight that bad ( her words) she doesn't realize that just a little here and there adds up and there is only so much a person can take! I just want to tell her to grow the heck up it's not all about her and she did cause some of our moms problems, she sure didn't help the situation!
I hate when the phone rings 9 out of 10 times I let the machine pick up, yesterday I answered it and it was her, I dreaded picking up , I need to let the machine get it, she complains the whole conversation and I can't deal with it, it's not who I am, I often wonder how I ended up the way I did , care free happy go lucky let it roll off my back like a duck in rain type when I lived the situation for 17 yrs too?
It really annoyed me when she made the comment yesterday that she didn't have the time to deal with karen and scott that she was trying to make ends meet, the thing is it's not about karen and scott it was about our mom and I am trying to make ends meet too BUT with 4 kids and no child support!I am still trying to figure out how and what to do to help OUR mom!

My sister is almost 44 years old will ever get it, that it's not all about her?
She never had kids so I don't think she will get it! BUT then again I have a few freinds who are in their 40s with no kids and they get it!

My sister is coming up sat and we are taking our mom out, susan will pretned everyhting is peachy that there is nothing wrong with mom, BUT she will will bitch about how she was made to move out and yadda, yadda ya... take my mom back to her home and act as if we are one big happy family, it's pretty messed up!

I am going to try and see if my mom either want to move here or try and get in that appartment down the street! it goes by income and she could only have to pay 492. a month or 692 depending... BUT 692 is the highest! I hate her in that home. if she were closer I could see her more! and she could see her grand kids more!

Please keep us in your thougths and prayers!

Letting Go

2009-04-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

A repost from my origianl journal when it was on AOL.. posted back in 05.... forget the exact date though....

Letting Go
I am willing to trust. I know that to the degree I am willing to give up my search for a healthy love relationship, I can have it. I know I can have whatever I am ready and willing to receive. Individual receptivity is everything. Without it, nothing changes. With it, all things are possible. I no longer insist upon my choice.

I know that the only thing I lose when I let go of something I am afraid to live without is the fear itself. I am stronger than anything that frightens me!

I let go of the past, and I am free to think clearly and positively in the present. I am not my past.

Letting go is the natural release which always follows the realization that holding on is an energy drain and it hurts. Letting go happens effortlessly when there is no other choice. Letting go does not mean giving up.

LoveNote. . . A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth -- with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts
Letting go is a journey that never ends. Never. It only begins -- over and over again -- each time I can glimpse something higher than my own painful certainty over who I think I am. There is always something higher; a life beyond the limits of my present sight.

To see what is farther I must be willing to lift my eyes from their present point of focus. Release always follows revelation and real revelation is always a glimpse of something that was only just out of sight.

I know that stress in my love relationship exists because I insist! What I resist, persists. I am tied to whatever I avoid.

LoveNote. . . The heart loves, but moods have no loyalty. Moods should be heard but never danced to. - Hugh Prather
It is a mistaken belief that I must push my love relationship in the direction I choose that keeps me in a strained and unhappy relationship with it. Reality has its own effortless course, and I can either embrace its way or struggle endlessly with mine.

I do not need power to flow.

I letgo of that part of myself that is certain it is better to suffer and feel like someone than it is to just let go and quietly be no one. I give birth to a new me that never has to hold on to anything because it is already everything.

I dare to walk away from all of the familiar but useless mental and emotional relationships that give me a temporary but unsatisfactory sense of self. My true identity is calling me and to hear it I must be willing to endure, for as long as necessary, the fear of self-uncertainty.

This form of seeming self-abandonment eventually turns into my greatest pleasure as it becomes increasingly evident that the only thing certain about fear is that it will always compromise me. When it comes to who I really am, there is no compromise.

Let go of the past. The past is yesterday. It is irretrievable. When you relate to the past, you relate to no one or any thing. You are literally talking to yourself. No one else is listening. You have already heard all you have to say about that, so, let go.

A Course in Miracles says, "You cannot really not let go what has already gone. It must be, therefore, that you are maintaining the illusion that it has not gone because you think it serves some purpose that you want fulfilled."

It is certifiable insanity to conjure up your own reality based on the past and relate to it, rather than to relate to the present which is the only reality.

LoveNote. . . Relationships are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment, the Holy Spirit's blueprint by which each individual soul is led to greater awareness and expanded love. Relationships are the Holy Spirit's laboratories in which he brings together people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth. - Marianne Williamson
I say goodbye to the past and hello to the present.

I am enthusiastic about who I am becoming! I know that no one sincerely asks for a new life until they are thoroughly dissatisfied with the old one. I am and I let go. When I allow myself to let go of what is old, I stay true to what is new.

I believe that as with all insight, higher understanding itself contains not only the instructions I must follow, but the strength I will need to carry them out.

Starting life over again is the key to a new me. I see the beauty and significance of starting over - over and over and over. Every present moment is always new and new is always right now! The new dies to the ever-new in an endless celebration of Life.

This is it!

I live in the present. I never let the past dictate the direction of the present moment. I give my best to my endeavors.

What lies ahead for me can only be good.

True peace and harmony are a part of who I am.

I have come to the realization that what is possible for me to become only truly changes when I am willing to see what is impossible for me to continue being.

My true nature is already fully independent and flying freely. I have found my wings.

I let go and let God. And so it is.

Thank you, Father!

LoveNote. . . He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is Love. - I John 4:8

It's come to my attention

2009-04-07T10:11:00.001-07:00

It's come to my attention that I have not done an entry in a while! And it seems as if I am losing readers too!
Time is getting away from me and there hasn't been to much to blog about.
Lets see ..

Went to the Dr's last tuesday I was having some concerns BUT the Dr says everyhting is OK!

I am 99.9% sure it is over between Rob and I... We are better off as friends! I have heard from him once in the last 10 days.

Some where out there is My Mr Right... So I put my name back up on a web date site, who knows maybe he might be there, BUT I am not expecting to much from it either!
Maybe God doesn't want me with anyone? maybe I am not meeting anyone because God is trying to protect my heart?

I've been going out with my friend a lot lately, and have made some new freinds in the processes! It's about time been up here 18 yrs and I really only have people I just say HI to in passing. BUT I am finally starting to make a few friends. My oldest is getting up set with me that I am going out a lot! It's not like we are going to the bars though, well we do BUT most nights we just go for walks!

Tonight I am going back up to her house for dinner with the girls and the kids! So they are invited too! Most likely brittany and her bf won't go! BUT she was invited so she can't complain!

I am having a quiet day here , only one day care child and she fell asleep!
I probably should be doing laundry, BUT I don't feel like it! BUT I guess I should.

Who knows I may actaully have something real to blog about soon! Maybe!

DID u Know?

2009-03-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

THIS JUST IN ... Study finds that cell phone airwaves tend to not be as effective for men as they are for women!"

2009 Right??

2009-03-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

this is 2009

and yet some men think that the womens place is still is in the kitchen!!!

oh my

so the other night I was talking to some "one" (male) and they mentioned how they can't stand when dishes are left in the sink! (NOT my sink) ...
I say "well do them!"
he told me that he feels that is a womens JOB!!!
OMG... strike ONE.....

Then....

I am on the phone thursday night with this same person and he tells me how his son is in a relationship and getting married to this girl who Wears the pants in the relationship she says what goes and has final say! ALL say. according to this friend .... his son has NO say!

So my friend goes on to say he may be a male chauvinist ... Because he believes the man has the final say, of course the women has some in put BUT he has the final say( can we say strike 2)!!! Then he asked me how I felt about that... OH MY GOSH talk about LMAO... and I did too after I clamed down for a bit from my fit of laughter... Said I just got out of a relationship like that and boy am I glad I don't have a man to answer to anymore...

Yeah this relationship is doomed!!!

My Head Hurts

2009-03-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

HE came over Tuesday night stayed for about 20 minutes maybe less, left me more confused then ever,He said he wanted to be with me and in a relationship, But then made a comment that he wanted to see me happy even if it was without him ( he must of heard my songs on myspace) ( he knows I like lyrics) or it was just a coincidence?
He says he wants to be in a relationship with me BUT on his terms... When he is not working (which is pretty much 24/7), he will squeeze me in. BUT work comes first it is just who he is. I just wonder what he is going to do when he is older and can't do this job anymore? Will his gun and un served warrants keep him warm at night or hug him when he is scared and lonely? So does that mean I am suppose to sit around collect cob webs and wait for him to call to ask me out? Dust my self off and be ready and say OK!
He said with summer coming his job his only going to get worse.
But he also told me that his last relationship was a very passionate one. I don't get how he had a passionate relationship if there was never any time? BUT then again she does live in the same town as him. So maybe?
I don't know I am so confused!
I don't want to hurt him. BUT I don't want to be hurt either.
Maybe we are just better off friends? I don't want things to get messy and ugly. I don't want to hurt or get hurt.
Just knowing some of the things I know though from all our talks makes me sad! I hate this!
Maybe just date? no relationship? no fuss no muss? no strings? go back to friends and go from there? Can you really go back though? Is that possible?

There comes a point

2009-03-19T20:17:00.001-07:00

There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will...
So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future..

never forget

2009-03-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

memories

2009-03-18T11:51:00.001-07:00

There are some things from our high school experiences that we will carry with us for the rest of our lives and some memories that we choose to forget. But when we look back at those experiences, we’ll see our friends, the ones who got us through everything, and we’ll realize how lucky we are to have them.

you can spend....

2009-03-18T09:29:00.001-07:00

“ You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened—or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*** on." Tupac Shakur

There comes a time...

2009-03-18T09:27:00.001-07:00

There Comes A Time In Your Life
When You Have To Let Go Of
All The Pointless Drama
& The People Who Create It
So Surround Yourself With People Who Make You Laugh
So Hard That You Forget The Bad And Focus Solely
On The Good . After All, Lifes Too Short To Be
Anything But Happy

It's worth it

2009-03-13T04:59:00.000-07:00

Rob ended up callin around lunch time, and he called twice yesterday too.
oh and he came over for a few minutes for lunch since he was in town... when he called at lunch time he asked if i would like some company! So of Course I said YES ....

LOL I have a funny to tell about this!

So he shows up in his work truck and he was here for a bit and takes a look at my heater(it's broken), he has a friend who goes into houses and cleans them out and sometimes comes across heater units , so we go down to take a look at my unit. I was in the middle of talking to him and he just grabbed me and kissed me. We shared a few kisses down there, As he was getting ready to leave , at the door (outside) we were kissing good-by... a neighbor is pulling up in her drive way! I start laughing in the middle of our kiss, and then say "my neighbors are going to think I am kissing the repair man!" He laughed and made a comment about fixing my plumbing.... ( bad I know).

Well gee how else am I suppose to pay for his services??? LOL....

I am going to stick it out! I really like him and I am a fighter! not a fist fighter or verbal.... BUT I fight for what I believe in and want!

oh and Ken and Mort I knew you both meant well by your comments, ;)

He's just Not that into you

2009-03-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

funny thing is that was our first date movie that we saw together!

and here I told him I was into him, after asking the waitress for a take home box!!!

in the movie the guy tells the girl "and the girl isn't into the guy when she asks for a take home box on the first date!"

I asked the waitress for one and looked at him with a wink and said "don't worry I am!"

foolish me!!!!

Benefit and Time?

2009-03-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

Mort, that is all I ever do is give EVERYONE the benefit ofthe doubt...

I am to kind hearted and naive like that! I gave it to my ex and look where that got me! I gave it to the OLD R and that got me no where and waiting four yrs!

And Time, Ken, how much time??? a day, a week, a month, a yr??? I feel like I am in a long distance relationship again and he doesn't live that far away. If we don't have any time together how will we ever know?

every time he says he is coming over something suddenly comes up! I get my hopes set high only to answer his calls with him on the other end saying "something suddenly came up!" it's always work... emergencies... I am sure there are other guys who can take it, he could say he has plans... BUT nope, everyone else comes first. That's not healthy in a new relationship.

How many "emergencies" , how many "something suddenly came ups" how many "Sorrys" do I put up with until I say ENOUGH is ENOUGH No more?

I am tired of being placed on the back burner!

for once I want to be on a pedal stool!

guess that won't happen in my life time!

I shouldn't have fallen so hard and so fast!

Silly me!

This is not right the way he's treating me, it started off great, (maybe just one of his game moves). I care about him but now I feel as if he is just leading me on. I give up for now, NO more first move texes on my part. If he wants me, he WILL find me and he WILL make a way to get to me.

So as of now the ball is in his court.... And so far he has made NO moves this morning to make contact.

Brain Freeze

2009-03-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't written here in a while, because I don't have much to write about! I have brain freeze and no life to go along with it...

Let's see my love life? That's a joke... What love life?
WOW I thought I felt alone when I was single... Feeling alone when you are suppose to be with someone sucks more then being alone single! I haven't seen Rob in almost 2 weeks, every time he says he is going to come over "something" comes up! So I just don't get my hopes up any more like I use too, once again I am use to rejction. I won't get all giddy and excited till I see the white of his eyes! There for a while it was almost every other day... and even once in the very beginning ,it was 4 days in a row. I don't know, I really like him a lot I do... I'm not a needy person , BUT at the same time I like companship! And how are we ever going to figure out if it is meant to be if we never get to spend any time together? I feel like I am in a long distance relationship, and I have BTDT before, BUT the thing is we dated local for a year and a half before he took off for college for the other 4.5 yrs of our courtship. So our relationship was pretty much grounded and nurtured. This when I get there I get there, Oh I'm not getting there is really making it diffcult.

And it's official I am FAT!!!! According to my neighbor anyway... Last Saturday he yells from across the way "HEY NEIGHBOR!" then with an added "ARE YOU PREGNANT?"
Gee thanks a lot!!! I felt like saying something back (a come back) something about him being dickless... BUT for once was at a lost for words! ME!!! can you imagine me sarcastic Sharon speechless?

So as of now I am on a diet and will do whatever it takes to lose 20 pounds!
Sorry "D" if I look like I've been hitting the crack pipe(your words) ! I rather look like that then fat and pregnant!!!

So since this diet has started I have lost about 4 pounds! I've cut soad out of my diet 6 almost 7 weeks ago. Haven't had a drop of it. I cut down on iced tea too and drink lots of water, a juice with Acai berry in it, and protein water. I eat a very small breakfast, little if any lunch ( salad) and then a normal dinner with a loooong power walk after wards. With a green tea pill too!

Kids are all doing well! Bethany won't be in the Fashion Bug fashion Show like she was in the yrs past! Fashion Bug stopped selling her size clothes! And my size too!!! Can you believe they did that, especially in this economy? They just lost three customers! LOYAL customers at that too! Bethany was disappointed when we went to sign her up last night, and they told us the news! Well she did get a 30 dollar pair of jeans for 5 dollars out of it though, since they are discontinuing her size! I should go back down and get her a few more for the next few years! Guess it won't be to long before fashion bug goes out of business altogether! Especially when Target finally gets here, and in the same shopping center as FB!

Well so much for having brain freeze...
BUT it wasn't all that either... I promise, I will get back to this blog, with something interesting. I just have to find something interesting to get back here with.

I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

2009-03-03T23:03:00.001-08:00

I am a SUIVIVOR!
I survived childhood abuse, I survived scoliosis, I survived a cheating husband, I survived anemia, I survived a thoracic meningocele,I survived GIST!!! !THIS TO SHALL PASS!!!! I am a SUIVIVOR!!!!

Tonight!

2009-02-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

we got to spend a few hours together tonight and as I was walking him out ALL the stars were out and I said "ohhh look at all the stars!" and at the same time we both pointed to these stars in the sky and at the same time we both said "Look Cassiopeia!" "she" was right out above my front door. it's crazy the things we think and say... I pick up my cell just as I am about to get a text from him... I just wish we had more time together...
Rob is a very bright man... very smart, kind sweet and very romantic.... I love every second I spend with him. Just wish we had more time!
He is looking to get a second car for his daughter, so he doesn't have to share!
His ex she, doesn't drive either... so his daughter drives her places... and right now they only have one car and they share it! as soon as they get that second car and sporting events slow down ( he is a security gaurd for those too) ( should be soon) , we will able to spend more time together!

White Roes

2009-02-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

I got a white rose (well 3) from Rob yesterday....

blushing....

The white rose bloom is easily one of the most popular wedding flowers. The color white conveys purity, honesty, fidelity, peace and integrity. The white flower is valued for its considerable beauty and detail. However, though they can convey deep emotions, due to the varied levels of meanings, one must be careful in choosing the color of their flowers.

White roses signify deep, clear emotions. They are given without reservation or ambivalence. The red rose signifies lust or passion, but the white rose goes much deeper to suggest an infinite love that goes to the very core of one’s being. It carries an almost spiritual significance. White roses symbolize devotion, kindness, and deep friendship in love.

What a week.....

2009-02-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

WOW what a mixed bag of emotions this week from high and giddy on life to wanting to cry at the drop of a hat!

Get the bad out of the way and end on a good note....

First like I mentioned Brian had gone to live with his dad in the beginning of the yr... and David wants him on the zoloft. I told David about a week ago, From now on when he goes away on trips (which is a lot lately) I want Brian home with me , Since Sophie and I can't seem to understand each other... or she gets confused over the English language ... So he agreed to that...

So the other night had to take Bethany to the Dr's for a UTI... and while we were there we talked briefly about Bri and the zoloft and his peed said it is a low dose and he should be fine... So on the way home I said to David "Brian says you don't pay attention to him, the whole idea of him going there was for you to give him some 1 on 1 time !" and since Bri says that is not happen' in I want him home with me if he is going to be on zoloft so someone can keep an eye on him!

He says I pay attention to him! I said that's not what Bri says and Bri says Sophie even agrees with him that you don't!

David's answer was "HMMM"! ...

SO Bri is home with me! On his 16th B-day!!!!!

I told the kids there would be changes made!!! The first night went well!

We had a stake dinner with delightful company!!!! :)

We had a traumatic experience yesterday Bethany and I.... we were both in tears!

She had 3 UTI's since Oct and 2 of them just in Jan... so the Dr felt it necessary to do further testing.... I didn't realize the one test... a V.C.U.G was so invasive.... OH my gosh we were both in tears!!!!

Turns our her initial test at the Dr's office came back clear!!!! I wish they would have waited till the results from the test had come back first before they made her do the other test!!! I still get teary eyed thinking about what my baby had to go through!!!!

BUT the Dr just called and ALL is WELL!!!!

So now on the happy note!!!!!

I have a boyfriend!!! It's official!!!! Guess he isn't a boy!!! BUT you know what I mean!
I invited him over for dinner last night stakes on the grill... ( they do say a way to a mans heart is through his stomach) ;)
When we were saying good night for the night I asked him "so should I change my status on myspace?" he said he didn't know much about myspace (doesn't get on much) and I explained, how mine says single should I switch it to in a relationship? and with that he said "I would say we are in a relationship!" and sealed it with a kiss! :)

so I wonder if it was the kiss or the steak???

EX's.. My Son, Thoughts and opinions on Zoloft

2009-02-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

david is pisisng me and thinks he knows more about raising the kids, then I do, even though I have been doing it 8 yrs alone, david thinks he can fix the kids in 30 minutes or less by letting them lose on the roller rink!!!! david thinks he is all knowing and knows the kids better then I do...

I am thinking of having Brian come home.... david wants to put Brian on zoloft and I have not heard one good thing about this medicine yet.... I am scared to death of him going on it and when I say to david is this a chance you are willing to take... his reply is/was "HMMMMM" like he was picking out paint for the wall 'Pink" or "blue"? HUUMMM....
I could smack him because then his second reply was YES, he is willing to take a chance on Bri's life by putting him on zoloft....

he says "Well he has been depressed since the beginning of the yr..." So I said "HMMMM... he has been living with you since the beginning of the yr!" then he takes it back and says NO longer....

I call david to try and tell him stuff that is FACT and he just won't listen! he knows it all and I know nothing!!!
he still thinks I am that naive little girl he married!!!! I hate it!!!!
Maybe I should release the bitch in me and show him!!! according to the kids sophie does! whats one more bitch for him to deal with!!! EVEN though I am standing up for myself and the kids I am to nice about it!!! Maybe I have to change that!!!

I want Brian back and if he doesn't give him back I will have to use my connections!!!! I wouldn't do that BUT if push comes to shove... I will call my lawyer...

He is making my life miserable now that he knows I am happy , with Rob....

I seriously think he doesn't want to see me happy!!!!

a snip it from my Private Blog

2009-02-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

here is the "Kisseme" story part of my private blog entry....

OP was 2-6
I was telling him all my myspace friends the top 40 who was who and how I knew them... Well for the life of me I could not remember where my number three lived I knew it was fl but the town forgot it!!!! So he was rattling off some.... Pensacola.... I would say NO, Orlando??? again me NO then he said Kissemee, I said NO not yet.... he just laughed.... Brittany told me I was a dork!

HIM????

2009-02-08T17:20:00.000-08:00

So inquiring minds want to know...

Who him is???

Well I think I will share....

I shared in my private J guess I'll spill....

HIM would be an old high school (good) friend from back in the day, 25 yrs back....

He found me on face book on another girls page! Thing is I almost didn't add her to my page, BUT I did and boy am I glad I did! He told me he hardly ever goes on there but that one night he did and even went to her page ( they dated in high school) any way he saw me and said he HAD to add me, he gave me his number and I gave him my number and well we have been talking every night since and when we are not talking we are texting... Here he moved to Lancaster county too, so our paths could have crossed at one point but we never noticed... He is a rent a cop at the mall... Who knows how many times we could have passed each other in the halls at the mall and never noticed...

One e-mail I sent him my myspace page and he asked me to be his friend there... I said YES and I texted him to let him know "I said YES" and he texed back "would you say yes to an old friend stoppin" by?" he said he had to work (a different job not the mall) but rather come see me... so I said YES again..... he came over that night and pretty much every night since we have seen each other... Thursday night was the first, then Friday night at the mall, Saturday night at the mall, and today we had our first official date... dinner and a movie.... and our first KISS, kisses....

I have not felt like this in who knows how long! I have been on dates here and there since I got divorced , BUT have never felt like this with any of them....
He is, super nice+ , easy to talk to +, so cute+, taller then me + well duh I stand '5"2 , he is a PA st constable ( uniform)++, and he is bald +++++ not all guys can pull that off but OH BOY can he.....

we went to see "he just not that into you" GOOD MOVIE cute...
one part the guy says in sp many words that the girl is just not that into you if she asks for a take home box" when I asked for a take home box for my dinner, I looked at him and said Don't take this as a hint... Because I am... He laughed ....

I have another cute one I will share later.... It happened he other night though...

But it ties into something he said tonight.... ( if you read my private J you might remember)

he said "Kisseme now?" and well we had our first real kiss tonight!!!! :)

well i think

2009-02-08T05:30:00.000-08:00

i may have figured out why i can't sleep???
LOL and it's not so bad after all....

I go to sleep thinking about him, I wake up thinking about him ...

though I am sleep deprived I am still happy!!!

So I guess it is not a bad thing after all...

What's up????

2009-02-07T00:52:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh not sure what is wrong with my body... Most of the week I have been getting up at 4am, today the only day I can sleep in and I am up at 3am... what's up with that? Guess I am going to have to go to the Dr's and check it out! I am kinda of tired of morning coming in the midddle of the night!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2009-01-27T19:16:00.001-08:00

Went to my oncologist today and he gave me a clean bill of health! NO cancer! He said I can even stop taking my chemo pill!!!! I still have about 2 weeks left, he said I can finish them up if I want, that I don't have to but can if I want to!!!
He wants me to have a follow up... He gave me the choice of 6 months or a yr! I picked 6 months... Maybe after that one comes back clear to the next one I will do a yr!!!

Hopefully 2009 will be my year for good things to happen!!!!

my private blog

2009-01-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

I just entred 2 entries there...
a few of you asked to be added to it, but I may have forgot and or didn't have an e-mail to add you! Please comment here AGAIN and leave an e-mail addy so I can add you!

HELP

2009-01-06T09:50:00.001-08:00

how do I add readers to my priavte J I forget!

My date

2009-01-06T07:01:00.001-08:00

So I went on that date with the guy from church!
It was nice!
Noisy!
He took me to a bar to see his brother's band play!
He smokes , I don't like smoke.... he says he is trying to quit though!
Funny thing... but not so funny!
He is 47 and never married.... I made a comment "you don't still live at home with mommy do you?"
LOL ooopppssss he guess what? He does!
I said "OOppss!" then though found he hasn't lived with her all 47 yrs , he just fell on some hard times and had to move back!
Come to find out his mom and family go to the church too, I didn't put his last name with the other members thinking they are related!
It's kind of weird though because everyone at that church is related to someone some how! everyone that is but me... I have no family members there.
I just don't like everyone knowing my "businness"... I am a priavte person!
NOT sure how this is going to work out.
He did ask for a second date!
We shall see!

oopsss silly me

2009-01-06T06:36:00.000-08:00

Silly me I forget how to add people to my private blog?
I think I need e-mail addy's to do this ???
It's been a while!

Long Time

2009-01-06T06:03:00.000-08:00

A lot going on here,

a lot I can't post here...

it's in my private J...

if youwant to be added ( I sent invites, only 6 joined) leave a comment and I will add you!

Update of Sorts

2008-12-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

Update of Sorts

Wow it's been a while since I wrote here! I don't know since AOL shut down I just haven't felt like blogging much!

Let's see what has been going on here since I last wrote?

Went to My Aunt and Uncles with the kids and my sister for Thanksgiving! My mom was there too. The dinner went ok! My mom was trying to start with my sister through out the day, BUT my sister walked away!
My mom is out of the hospital and doing well! She is now living with my Aunt Her sister) now, and getting her house of 44 yrs hard to believe she is selling it! WOW back in 1964 she only paid 6,500 for it , today it is worth 185,000 if she would of kept up with it would of been worth 250,000... her neighbor ( attached only wants to give her 100,000. for it! He is a cheap you know what and thinks that my mom will sell it to him for that! I think his plans are to buy it and move his whole family in (they are all from Vietnam), he has been after my mom's house for yrs always asking her if "she sell!" So now she is and he wants to cheat her out 85 grand!OH well there is someone out there that will giver her the asking price or close to it!

Anyway.... Now my Aunt is in the hospital , she fell on black ice the week before Thanksgiving and she had the ugliest bruise on her back side! I never saw such an ugly bruise! Then she was experiencing serve stomach pain one day last week they took her to the hospital and there was blood in her stomach at first they thought she was she bleeding from her aorta which is artificial, BUT it was not her aorta... (she has/had the same thing John Ritter died of a few yrs ago, she knew about hers for yrs though and knew the warning signs) . But it wasn't her aorta, some where in the belly, but it has stopped! She should be home in the next day or so!

My sister may be coming up this weekend and her and I and our mom may go out and do a little shopping together and go out to eat lunch some where! We have never done that as adults!

So get this, I am at church this past Sunday and in the morning we sing songs and then turn around and greet people around us! Well the past 2 or 3 Sundays now this guy who sits 1 row over and two rows up from me has been coming over to shake my hand... Well last Sunday he even sat next to me at the breakfast table after the service BUT didn't say a word to me when he sat there, then he got up and gave his seat to another lady! So this Sunday he cam up to me again at the service to say good morning and then at breakfast while the kids went up for their hot COCO he came over to me and said he just wanted to the time to introduce himself to me...
Well then he goes on to say "Well I know this isn't probably the time or place to ask this, but I was wondering if you would like to go out time?" Then he said he knows with the holidays and 3 kids, ( where I then said 4!) that I must be busy but he would be really interested in taking me out soon! :)
So I was asked out at Church! WOW maybe this is a true sign from GOD?

Well I do want to write more, BUT Brent wants to look something up.... So I will be back in a bit!

Time

2008-11-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

Time keeps getting away from me. And since AOL did away with their journals I really have not been much into on line journaling! It is hard to keep up with others without alerts.
Bethany got her cast off last Friday and is doing well.
My mom is doing much better too.

Bethany and I had really bad week, Probably the worse week of the year, hope never to have another week like it EVER!
Bethany came home from school on Monday and said "Mommy, Maddy's daddy died!" I said "Maddy who?" she does have a few friends named Maddy, BUT I just knew what was coming next. "Maddy R, mommy!" I said "OH MY GOD!" I was in shock! I had to wait and call Maddy's mom after I was done work! I asked her if I heard was true! She said it was and I cried, (I still cry re-telling it). I told her I was so sorry! I asked her if there was anything we could do for her, she said NO BUT if there was anything she could do for us, her husband was such a giving man she wants to keep his memory alive and do for others as he had done! Then she asked if we could bring Bethany over as Maddy was asking for her. It's so sad he was such a good man. He was a police officer, actually a violent crimes detective, he served in dessert storm. His viewing was huge! I never saw such a large veiwing. There were changing of the gaurds and police horses. He loved Journey, they played Journey at his veiwing.
It was so sad. My heart aches for his wife and children! He is going to be missed!

Updates

2008-11-13T09:42:00.000-08:00

Lots going on here lately that keeps me busy. Having lots of changes done to the house, new couch! Took all the wall paper down going to paint soon!
Going to get a new chandler for the dinning room! My old was is just that old and icky gross looking!
For those who don't read my private J ( not that I write there a lot anyway!) My mom (Jane) is still in the Hospital ... She is now in her third hospital ( moved yesterday) and has been there one day and is already showing signs of improvement! My mom is finally coming out of it and talking, she told my Aunt and Uncle( who have been acting as POA (power of attorney) for her ) that the second hospital ( the one she just left yesterday was treating her horrible they were mean and cruel to her and were not helping her at all! She finally is talking and remembers everything! She asked about me and my sister something she has not done since she went into the first hospital back in Aug!
She was moved to the new hospital (in Philly) to have a treatment called Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)... it is a treatment for depression that uses electricity to trigger a seizure and is suppose to get her out of this deep depression that she has been in) ... I know times have changed BUT this is what her mother (my grandmother)died of in 1973. They do things differently now, BUT it still has us nervous Please Pray that it works for her and everything goes well! We may be going down to see her this weekend!

Bethany gets her cast off tomorrow! Can you believe it, it's been 4 weeks already!

One Year Ago Today!

2008-11-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

One year ago today my grandson was born!
I have only seen him once this whole year! And We were not invited to his b-day party! I am sort of sadden by this, well not sort of , I am saddend by this, BUT we did give up our rights to his life when Brittany put him up for adoption! I just wish we were able to see him more then what we do!

I am still in a lot of pain with my back!

I need to take some tylenol and rest while my day care kids are resting!

Hope every one is having a good day!

Our Weekend

2008-11-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

WOW what a long weekend! Saturday and Sunday Bethany and I had to get up at 5:30 am each morning be out of the house by 6:30 and at competitions by 7:30. Then we were there till 4:30 in the afternoon! Talk about tired! And day light savings didn't help! My enternal clock then ahd me up at 4:30 am on Sunday!
Bethany's squad came in third in her division on Saturday and won a medal, then on Sunday her squad won a trophy! Not sure what it was for though, it was SO loud I missed what they said it was for!
The first day I forgot to take the camera but there was one there that was taking pictures non stop .... Got a real good one of Bethany! Talk about prefect timing!

I am trying a picture but it doesn't look like it is working! Will try again later.
Then Sunday I took my camera but from were I was on the bleachers they looked like ants! The first school was way to small to hold over 600 cheerleaders and their families! The second school was much bigger and there were even more Cheerleaders on Sunday, 800!

I hurt my back over the weekend! Not sure what I did, BUT I hurt it even more yesterday! And my back has not hurt in over a year!

Bethany gets her cast off in 10 days! BOY time flys!

I will try to post the picture again.... Nope it won't let me....

Sorry!
Well my day care kids are napping I think I am going to take some tylenol and go rest too!

Where did the time go?

2008-10-26T06:24:00.000-07:00

WOW I can't believe it's been over a week since I posted last!
Times has gotten away from me!
It's been crazy busy here and I don't see it letting up anytime soon!
Well cheerleading is winding down so maybe it will slow down soon!
Bethany is/was doing fine with her arm! Then yesterday we were at her exhibition and when she was doing her interduction HELLO MY NAME is BETHANY! She lost her footing and went down! (I saw it coming). She went to her AC and then I went down from the bleachers, she was in tears but also kept saying she wanted to go back and dance with the girls. I thought we were going to have to go back to the ER her hand looked swollen again, BUT I gave her some medicine when we got home and put ice on it, She seems ok today!
We have a game today, the last one for the season , I told her to do a different "HELLO" jump today! Wish us luck! I hold my breath every time now!
Tomorrow we have the halloween parade, then she has 2 more practice nights, (tuesday & WED) Thursday is the fall fest at the school, friday night is actually going to be NOTHING and then Saturday and Sunday is competition. Then football is over!
I bought a new couch yesterday, it was more then I really wanted to pay, BUT I have NEVER had anything brand new! David never bought me anything new, excpet our bed! It's a sectional with a chase on the end and 2 recliners... It's not the one I really really wanted BUT the one store was giving me the run around about the one I really wanted! So I went to a different store, although I was not happy the way we were first treated when we walked through the door (ignored) and funny thing bethany saw one of those sheeps from the commercial and asked if they were for sale and the sales man walks right by us and says "there not for sale" he wized right on by and didn't even ask if we needed help! So after a while I saw this guy pop out of the break room and I asked him he if worked there and when he said yes I said "well can you assist me?" LOL... Guess I didn't look like I belonged there or something... Wasn't wearing cowboy boots or a cowboy hat or sporting a nascar jacket... He aplogized for not greeting us at the door and not helping sooner!
BUT he asked when I needed the couch! I told him "yersterday" and soo it is coming tomorrow!
Last night I bought the New AC DC CD... LOL say that 10 times real fast!
Now I have to load it to my new phone! WOW I think they are better now then they were back in the day! Guess they are like a bottle of fine wine! :) It's hot!!!!
Got to rap it up BOO is a pain in my butt.... LOL he is bugging me to go on, he bought a new game and wants to play!

More on Bethany

2008-10-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

Just some thougths from some comments I received in my last entry!
Sorry I don't remember who said WHAT...

But one about the 911 dispatcher and staying calm, She is real close to Bethany she loves Bethany the most out of all her daughters friends, it was dark at the time and she was just as scared as I was! BUT she was calm when she got here to the house it was just that first call!She seemed scared. She is a good person.

I went to Bethany's practice last night because I was told I had to sign a accident report, When I got there the Head coach or so called director of the squads when I asked about the accident report said there wasn't one, another AC (assistant coach) looked at me and rolled her eyes... She was in the middle of filling it out, (I didn't know that and the eye roll was not at me) When the Head coach walked away I told the AC I thought there was one and she said there is, then she made a comment in so many words that the HC was a bit ditzy. She said she was filling one out now!
The HC changes the rules as she goes along... She told Bethnay's coach that any girl that misses 3 games is out for the season, Bethany's coach says to the HC "your daughters have missed 4!" She changes the subject... It's ok for her girls but no one else! If the girls NOW are 5 minutes late to a game they use to have to sit out the 1st quarter, NOW they are not allowed to cheer the whole game if they are late!
She said next yr she is going to split the squad up into 2 parts one for games and one for competitions... UMMM some girls (Bethany) Wants to do both!
She told Bethany's coach that girls that are late to games will be written up, Bethan't coach reminds her that her daughters are late and she changes the subject!This HC is getting on a lot of peoples nerves!

Bethany went to practice last night and the girls gave her a card! They were talking again at one point and the the teen AC told them they had to do push ups and Bethany pipes up CAN I DO SIT UPS? and the AC said YES. DUH! That girl never came over to me once to speak to me! AND Bethany got the spirit stick too! I have not seen that thing put once the whole season!

This morning Bethany went to school and about a half hour later she got a balloon bouquet delivery from her squad! She will be excited when she gets home!

And WOW I didn't realize that a buckle fracture is the same as a break the DR didn't explain that to me! Her one little friend keeps telling everyone that it isn't a break, when someone would ask Bethany her friend would answer for her!

I will check out that one web site and read more about the type of fracture Bethany has! Thanks for leaving the link in the comments in my last entry!

Bethany update

2008-10-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

I took Bethany to the orthopedic Dr this morning, she got a bright orange cast! (Halloween).
The coaches who made the girls run(I knew this, just forgot to mention it in the last post) were the teen coaches... And they made them run the extra lap because some were talking! When the adult coach found out what had happened she told the teen coaches that they are NEVER to do that again! Her coach called me this morning to see how Bethany was, I told her and then mentioned that the coaches should not have done that, that if they really want them to run that extra lapthey really should wait till the following night when it is still light out! She agreed and said it would never happen again.
Bethany's friends mom called me this morning after my entry to see how Bethany was and to tell me what really happened.
BUT here she first tripped over a sewer pipe sticking out of the ground and went airborne , J said the girls said it looked like she was doing all sorts of flips and cart wheels, that, that would explain the scraps and scratches and bumps and bruises on her knees, head and elbows and ribs! The she fell into the drain ditch not off of a curb.
Bethany is OK now, some pain! BUT she wants to go back tonight, She wants to be with the girls and see what she can do! I called the mom coach and she said that was fine that she could try , BUT if she can't then she doesn't have to.
Her Dr said she can still cheer BUT the competition would be out since she is a spotter. She can still go to competitions and hang out though!
I may go to practice tonight!
The head coach of all the squads is suppose to call me to fill out a accident report she has yet to do so! I may see her tonight then!

My baby girl :(

2008-10-14T04:43:00.000-07:00

Just one thing after another.
As most of you know Bethany is a Cheerleader!
Well last night after my day care kids left and we ate dinner and Bethany went to cheer practice, I decided to take a shower...
Well for some reason instead of getting into my pj's I decided to get dressed, don't know what made me do it, I just did!
I was sitting here on the computer catching up on some mail, and my cell phone rings at 7 O Clock last night, It's Bethany's friend MOM
"Sharon, Bethany fell! It's BAD!!!!" She goes on to say it's her arm (left) her wrist (right) her knee , her leg, her ribs her head! OH MY GOSH she had me thinking Bethany was on her death bed!I tried to call David's cell (3x), her cell (2x) and the house 3 times each and NO one would pick up their lines!
Bethany's friends mom brought her here by car but by the time she got here Bethany was in so much pain We decided to call 911! Bethany's friends mom (J) is a 911 dispatcher so she called and knew what to say, not that I didn't I just nervouse and with her being dispatcher she had fancier words to tell the dipatcher on duty!I told J I was trying to get hold of David and he would not pick up! She called him and he picked up I was pissed! Why the heck won't he pick up when I call! he doesn't know it isn't about the kids! I never call him anymore unless it is an ER about the kids! JERK!!!!
Apparently Bethany fell running full force in the dark, and missed a curb that was about 2 ft high! I am pissed because the coaches made the girls run an extra lap because a few of them were talking, so the coaches made them run! It makes me mad! DON'T make them run a lap in the dark save the extra lap for tomorrow NIGHT before it gets dark! This would NEVER of happened of it was not for that extra lap!
Now my baby is out for the rest of the season and won't be able to do competitions! She is so upset , I feel so bad for her!
Any way the ambulance came and got her and put her in a neck brace and on a back board and at this point J is saying I shouldn't of moved her!
OFF we went...
We got there, waited a little while,she was in so much pain! When they looked over her they felt her knee and left arm and head were going to be ok.... They only took an x-ray of her right wrist. We went back to the hallway ( it was crowded last night). They gave her something for the pain (vicodine) I told them I was allergic to that could it be hereditary ? she went to check and came back and said slim to none, So Bethany took it and started to feel better!
The Dr came back a little later and told us she had a buckle fracture! NOT a break! She had a buckle fracture on that same arm when she was a baby climbing out of her crib. So they put a splint on it and we sat her up to get ready to go home and she started to complain she was dizzy, so we laid her back down, at first I thought it was an allergic reaction to the meds, BUT then I remembered she hadn't eaten since 5 so we gave her some juice and crackers and let her lay a little longer. BUT she was dizzy again we we sat her up again! So we laid her back down again! The third time she was OK and we came home!
I should of called all my day care parents to get the day off, 2 of the three that dropped off this morning told me if I need off (early) call and they can come and get their kids! The other one said hers would not be able to be picked up until after 4!
I need to call the orthopedic Dr's today!
She is home today, she's sleeping right now! I will call the Dr's in a few minutes, after I get my one day care child on her bus for preschool!
I am going to call her Dr too to see if he can give her something stronger for the pain, as the ER Dr didn't send us home with anything!
Need to get back to work!

trying this again

2008-10-10T17:35:00.001-07:00

yesterday when I transferred my private journal over here I lost all my comments, I guess I moved it to soon yesterday before they had all the kinks worked out!

SO I am trying this again!!!

I deleted my private J... I did not take you off if you were a reader! I just deleted it!

After this entry I am going to do it again! And will add you again!!!!!

Will probably do it with the other one too while I am at it!

Grow up already

2008-10-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

Well as most of you know I am a granma to a grandson that I hardly ever get to see because Brittany choose adoption!
Anyway last night we were in the car with Brittany and her boyfriend ( not the daddy) and I brought up the fact that one of my day care moms looks pregnant, Well Brent says "You couldn't tell Brittany was pregnant!" Well Brent didn't even really get to finish what he was saying when Brittany's bf turned up his radio as loud as he could, to drowned out what Brent was sayin!
GROW the hell up and get over it already will you!
Brittany being pregnant and her having a baby is a FACT of life.... Grow up and get use to it! IF my kids want to talk about it so be it!
I guess he thinks out of sight out of mind!
It makes me really mad that he is like this about the baby, JUST because he does not like the baby's daddy! UGH! So we aren't allowed to EVER mention it to protect his feelings screw the rest of us with our feelings! His are more importnat!
He needs to get the frick over it!!!!!!!! Does he not realize when and if they go to have a baby some day the Dr's are going to have to ask her about any previuos pregnancy! What's he going to do blair his music to drown out the DR!!!!
Oh my gosh Josh is a baby abd didn't do anything wrong, Why can't Brittany's bf just get over it and face that HE ( the baby ) is real and it happend even if he is not here everyday to see and hold! I so bad want to put a picture of my grandson out BUT I can't! @@
Brian brought home a girl he really likes the other day, she had a baby with her, 15 and she's a mom.... BUT that baby is so cute and I could fall in love with her in a minute! IF Brian asks her out I already offered to watch the baby when they go out! I will accept the baby , and Brian does too. I am so glad my boys aren't like Brittany's bf!!!!!!
I am so upset though that he does this though, and when I brought it up to Brittany this morning, she got mad at me. So apparently his feelings are more importnant then her families! :(

Another blog moved

2008-10-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

I just moved one of my priavate journals here without a problem!
last night after I moved my one journal here I also had to "import" them too! BUT this one I just did came over without a problem!
Moving the other one here soon too! Now to figure out how to keep at least one of the 2 private! ( I think I will lose all my comments to them though)

I got it

2008-10-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

Good Morning!!!!!!!

I finally figured the darn thing out! Now I have 2 blogs!
I may just keep to this one and just keep the other one but not write in it!
BUT wow I had over 1600 post in the AOL one, that's not counting my 2 private journals! Still thinking about moving them here too!

The import

2008-10-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

The import of my old journal from aol to here doesn't seem to be working! So I guess I really am Starting Over!!!!

This is my second attempt at trying this...

Guess we shall see...

Time

2008-10-07T04:12:00.000-07:00

how do I fix the time on this thing??? it is not 3 or 4 am where I am! I am EST....

and why do I have to put a code in after I write a post?

it says something about a limit amount of post a day! I posted over 30 last night and did not need to do a code, now today they are asking me for one!

hey everyone

2008-10-07T03:28:00.000-07:00

Good Morning! Hope everyone had a peaceful night and or day where ever you are reading this from!

There seems to be some confusion from a few of my entries!

I am moving entries from my AOL journal archives (private) journal to here!

Those who were are on my praivate journal understand the Nov 2007 entries!
And some are just now reading this for the first time!

I posted about 23 OLD post last night from my private journal archives (2007)!

Just a quick recap... last year (2007) my oldest now 18, 17 at the time became pregnant by her now ex boy friend... She gave birth to a little boy NOV 5 2007 and put him up for adoption to a nice christiann family. It was an open adpotion! We get to see him and we get pictures of him too! BUT we have only seen him once.

Sorry if I confused some of my new readers or others that were not on my private journal!

new and old

2008-10-06T17:07:00.001-07:00

this is new stuff some old stuff!

btw the sleep over was with 7( counting Bethany) , 9 year olds!!!!!

*************

I am also adding old entries here from my priavte journal... how ever I am losing the comments as I am not sure how to put them here too!

But these few entries I did not want to lose ( since they can't migrate private journals).

Still moving some over!

Sorry

2008-10-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry some didn't know what I meant by POA...

POA is...Power of attorney!

My uncle and aunt keep boasting they are POA over EVERYTHING!!!!

my cousin on my dad's side was POA of our grandmother. He handled everything!

My mom apparently gave them ( according to them) POA over everything!

and to other comment

WE do know where our mom is they finally told us!
BUT we are not on the vistitors list! :(